eggbowl | In my blood...

[every accidental brush sends a soft resonance of their bond that follows those touches. resonances that try to soothe the madness and corruption threatening to bubble over again as it continues to pick at his insecurities, his anxieties, his fears. faint whispers can be heard in the back of his mind still, though becoming more muted the longer he stays with Zhongli. perhaps… perhaps this can keep that corruption at bay, until it dissipates.

he so hopes it'll dissipate and disappear.

it’s clear that Dohalim is more than accustomed to being in a state of undress in front of someone else, nonchalance on his face as he’s completely stripped. he glances down at the tub as the last of his vestiges are taken off, before nodding to the other and carefully climbing in. the water is a little hotter than he would like, but not terribly so; he’s inclined to sit in it for a while. as he settles in, Doahlim sinks lower into the tub until he can comfortably rest the side of his head against the edge of the tub, knees slightly drawn up as he loosely crosses his arms over his waist. he’ll start to wash up soon enough, he just wants to let the heat melt away the tension in his body for a moment.

he sits in silence, giving Zhongli no clear direction on what to do next. he isn’t sure how long time passes, as he lets himself dissociate for just a moment, but when he brings himself back, and spots the man again, curiosity, in the light of everything that had happened, lights up in him again]

…If you don’t mind me asking, Zhongli, but… Just who are you?

[he isn't particularly bothered by the lack of direction; in lieu of it, Zhongli settles nearby and laces his hands together, eyes falling closed as he simply... listens. to the distant sounds of the city as it tries to get moving again, nearly beyond his notice. to the shift of water against Dohalim's skin with each breath. to the thrum of their new bond, still thin but strong.

when Dohalim speaks, he opens his eyes again and turns his attention to the man. the question is a logical one, but it's one he struggles to find a succinct answer to.]

Who am I... [lifting his hands, he turns toward the bath, a wry smile crossing his features.] That is a remarkably difficult question to answer aptly. In the simplest terms, I am... rather an old fixture of the world long past. How much of my true history has been lost in the time since Rena's arrival, I... cannot be sure.

I had many names then. Rex Lapis, the warrior God, the Purveyor of Contracts. The Earthen Lord. I suppose... you could say that the power within your Master Core is the culmination of all I bore to my people, so long ago. Its intention... well. I suppose it doesn't matter what I had intended, does it? One way or another, all of us gave up our rule before the war of mankind, and the Renans were the ones to learn how to harness that power without our gift.

[as Zhongli lists off his past titles, his past identities, Dohalim lifts his head up to look at him properly. a god among men... though, that does explain the contract forged between the two of them, and why he can feel their bond. it's still strange, but it's a small comfort in the midst of the chaos.

the intended use of the Master Core... of course the Renans would have used it for something else other than what it was supposed to be for. a tool for the current lord of the realm, to show power and elitism above all... whatever it was meant to be used for, Dohalim isn't surprised that it's been twisted to become something else]

The Renans bastardised its true purpose. I must... Apologise, on behalf of my own kind. [Dohalim rests his head back down on the side of the tub again] But to be in the presence of a god...

[a history that had been buried by years of Renan rule. they didn't take kind to preserve any Dahnan history, or history even before that, it seems... Dohalim is sure that, if he were to dive deep into the library, he may find something, but he doubts it. and it only makes him more guilty, upset that the world had forgotten about gods long past.

though, he can't say to himself that he is any better; he'd treated Zhongli as just another member of his court, and just now, treated him like a servant. he sinks lower into the tub, as if to hide himself from the other. not only has he done that, but now the inconvenience of Zhongli tasking himself with keeping a watchful eye on him in case that corruption takes hold again...

perhaps the man, no, god, should have killed him, instead. it would have been a mercy for all, really]

Ah. Well, it isn't anything so dastardly, really - I only meant the technology was used to take control of astral energy as a whole. And-- please, I have no wish to be worshiped or held on high. I'm simply Zhongli, now. A consultant with a long memory, nothing more.

[with that said, Zhongli exhales a heavy sigh, closing his eyes.]

Mortality so commonly equates godhood with perfection, rather than a force that's really not that different than their own. We're afforded long lives and great power, but we are by no means infallible. We all chose to fade, you know. [a beat, followed by a wry, twisted huff of laughter.] Most of us got to choose, that is.

Even you have to admit, though, that the Renans do not appreciate the power they are given, nor do they try to understand where it comes from.

[that isn't to say that he's an expert on all of the astral energy in the world, but... earth astral energy is strange. it's like he can feel the very foundations of it beneath his feet, down to the core of the planet. every plant, every stone... it's vague, but it's there, tuned in with his own astral energy.

now that he's bound to Zhongli, the true earth lord of the realm, he can feel more of it. or, perhaps, is it because he can feel the deity within those threaded bonds?

Dohalim considers Zhongli's words carefully, though he finds it hard to believe his words. but then again, that is the point Zhongli is making, isn't it? that mortals had put the gods on such a high pedestal, worshipped them, prayed for their blessings. Dohalim has to wonder if that did stop as soon as the Renans had invaded Dahna, or if it slowly waned]

Were there some that were forcibly faded away?

I have found the implementation and choices made as a society... lacking, yes. In truth, I suspect the reasoning is not so simple, however. It's only a hunch, but... there again, we are not so different.

[If he were to guess at why Dohalim shows such an affinity for his element, Zhongli would guess that it has more to do with his morality. He's certainly still affected by the mentality and societal norms of Rena, but it's no stretch to say that most Lords - even most Renans - would struggle to have such a deep guilt for their own actions.

To think that he's somehow been corrupted, beneath all that... it's a terrible thing, he thinks.

But Dohalim's question earns a soft hum from Zhongli, and he watches the man for a brief moment.]

When creating a realm for all, hubris and morality show themselves plain. This... began long before Dahna was fully populated, though many of them were after I had become the protector of my fledgling country.

[He doesn't hesitate too much, but it's clearly something he thinks about a lot.]

After we ceased our war... Gods and their ilk are not as immortal as many think. Beyond the obvious differences from one to the next, the progression of time eventually robs us of sense and morality. Creatures who once stood in defense of the land often become its greatest threats... many of them created by deities like myself.

For myself, I entered into contracts with such creatures join their inception - with the stipulation that, should they become a threat to the very land they protected, it would be my duty to see them stopped. Though the face of Dahna has changed, I have fulfilled that intention to the letter.

[It puts an interesting perspective on some of the things that have been found in the world - things that most certainly predate the Renan invasion, sealed away under strange, impenetrable barriers.]

[Dohalim isn't sure if it's the thought that Zhongli had time and time again protected the land from those he'd known or created that makes him uneasy, or the fact that he's had to enter yet another contract to prevent it from happening again. or, perhaps it's because it's him this time around that Zhongli needs to protect Menancia from. not that Dohalim would blame him, not after the short rampage earlier. if he were to lose control like that again, and for longer... it's a thought he doesn't want to entertain, even if it's a very real possibility and reality, now. which brings him to his next question]

...Why did you spare me? Why have you entered a contract with me?

[Zhongli has the power to do more than just "stop" him. that much is proven. but the fact that, even after those atrocities he'd committed, instead of killing him, he'd vowed to keep him in check, instead. he's sure Viscint will take its time to recover from all of this, especially those within the palace. and he's absolutely sure that his own subjects would be wary of him. so why...]

Why did you not just kill me when I asked of it?

... Why?

[Zhongli considers the question for a moment, mulling over how he wants to answer. it's a complex one, as so much of his life seems to be... but really, why?]

I believe I told you before that you could think of it as my faith in you. Beyond that, though... ultimately, it's because I don't believe you deserve to die right now, nor do I believe you want to die.

[rising up to his feet, he steps toward the tub, hair shifting behind him.]

Unless you'd like to try and change my mind. Perhaps be faced with the actual imminent threat... but truly, I think you're worrying too much. I suspect you're worrying about your reputation - which will change, I'm certain, but not so drastically. You see those you killed as horrible losses, and that is true - but it doesn't change the fact that they were dissenters. They had forsaken Menancia and all it stands for in order to better their own positions at the expense of others.

Were your actions correct? I have no right to say. Questions of such morality should be debated by those who share even the base of morality, not those who didn't so much as bat a lash at the prospect of burying his enemies beneath meteors and mountains. If you asked me, though... I don't believe the loss was so devastating. From my observations, I don't think the people will see you as some horrible tyrant, either. They may be fearful for a time, but what you've given this place far, far outweighs fear.

[he almost makes a comment on how much Zhongli doesn't know about what he does and doesn't want when it comes to his own body and self. Dohalim can't lie to himself by saying that this feeling had only just started to burrow deep into his mind; no, he supposes the thoughts have always been there. it was easy to ignore them when he was with his very small circle of friends in Lenegis, but as soon as he'd lost them, the loneliness only exacerbated the thoughts. as he thrown himself into his duties as a lord, it became easy to ignore them again, for the most part, but they have always been there.

what Zhongli says about what he's given to the realm, Dohalim has to let out a derisive huff of a laugh, glancing up at the man as he approaches the tub. unconsciously, he curls up a little more, knees drawn closer as his arms tighten around his middle]

What I have given... Is born from a selfish need to forget the past. It is not to benefit the people for the sake of it, but so I don't have to listen to their cries of pain and despair.

[he can't speak on the prevalence of th e feelings, but what one feels and what one wants, he knows, are not always the same. and perhaps it was cruel of him to keep Dohalim going, but...]

Do you believe most people operate for the sake of others? That there isn't a touch of fear or regret? Why you did it isn't ultimately important.

My only question is thus: given the same outcome via a different method, would you regret this one? Would you unmake all of the changes you have made if you could simply sequester yourself outside of their sound, ruling from on high without a care?

[his footsteps are conspicuous as he approaches, fine fabric creaking when the man kneels down to dip his hands in the water and raise them to wipe away flecks of dried blood from the Renan's face.]

If it matters so much that you did this in bad faith, why did you enter into a contract with me, Dohalim?

[Dohalim reaches up to gently grasp at Zhongli's wrist, pulling his hand away. he doesn't deserve such a gentle touch]

You made a compelling argument. That my death would not liberate the Dahnans from Renan rule. That my death would waken your influence. Or, perhaps, it simply was because I hold so little value of my life that I would hand it over to someone else.

As for your other point... Perhaps, if I had ruled Menancia with an iron fist... There would be death, that I am sure of. However, the number of casualties would be significantly less. How many have died because of my lack of ambition? How many souls have been lost in the quarry without my knowledge? If I had been what Kelzalik and those Renans desired as a lord, then perhaps... Perhaps I could have prevented most deaths.

[letting go of Zhongli's wrist, Dohalim turns his head to look away from him]

I've never wanted to become a lord. I've never wanted any of this. And yet... I have been dealt this unfortunate hand. I have blood on my hands that I cannot wash off.

[Zhongli listens quietly, attentively. the root of the problem lies much deeper than he knew - unsurprising, given his general lack of knowledge of the machinations of Rena itself. still...]

... and yet, it was a choice you could have made. If you wanted to hand your life over to be lived at someone else's behest, we would not be here right now.

[they wouldn't be here, and Kelzalik would be ruling from behind the hand of a puppet lord.]

But why would you prevent the deaths? If you hid yourself away from them, how would you have any interest in how many lived or died? If you had been the Renan they desired, none would be spared. If you truly believe they would have allowed any kindness to those they deemed lesser, you're deluding yourself. Your lack of ambition may be regrettable, but it isn't why this happened. It isn't why no one else knew until this moment. As I said, I am not without guilt in this circumstance.

[water drips from his fingertips, and he watches as it ripples across the still bath.]

... This is not a conversation I can have delicately, in truth. If you feel guilt, if you want to repent for your actions, then you must move forward. Not all memories are pleasant, and yet forgetting them only makes it worse. And simply letting yourself die is an easy escape, cowardly and brief. Guilt, blood, regrets... these can be the ambition that drives you.

You would not be the first, by any means.

[there's a familiar, heavy ache to that, and declined, he shifts to move again.]

... I will continue to answer further questions as I am able. Enjoy your bath, Lord Dohalim.

[he's talking too much, he thinks, about too many things. a break... a break from his own arguments would be fine.]

[there's an urge that rises in Dohalim, an urge to yell at Zhongli about things he doesn't know, and how he has the audacity to think he knows what he's talking about. he knows nothing of his life, and the tribulations he'd gone through up until this point, and yet, he still speaks as if he does. he wants to lose his temper, to banish him from sight, to scream and shout until his voice goes hoarse. the urge to fight is strong, which only gets Dohalim to hold onto himself tighter.

he doesn't do any of those things, however. he sits in silence as he tries to consider Zhongli's words. he glances at him in the corner of his eye, view slightly obstructed by his damp, red hair]

I have no more questions. You should leave, Zhongli. I'm sure you have other matters to attend to.

[sure, mere moments ago, he'd requested Zhongli's company, but now... as irritated as he is in the deity, Dohalim also couldn't help but hear the shortness in his voice. as much as he does want to argue, he's also sure he isn't in the right mental state to do so. so perhaps sending him off to let the both of them cool down for a moment may be the best course of action.

though, the very thought of being alone again does play on his anxiety and fears]

[it's not hard to hear the snip in his voice. Zhongli... doesn't mind it, not entirely. in some ways, it's ideal - being mad at him gets him to stop wallowing in his own self-pity for at least a short time, after all. he's clearly struck a nerve, though the deity can't be sure if that's ultimately a good thing or not.]

... As you wish. If it pleases you, I will send one of your servants to fetch you. Many of them have been worried.

[he... has nothing to do, ultimately. he'd set anything that had remained aside, but that's fine. there's plenty he can work on, being what he is.

... like cleaning up some of the mess and unmaking most of the vines and things left over from the rampage. he should really speak to some of the Dahnans and remaining Renans, too... at the very least, he's never been bad at keeping busy.]

[Dohalim says nothing, but just waves Zhongli away. eyes trail back to stare at the wall of the tub, as he lets the slowly cooling water melt away that battle grime on his skin. he lets himself go to look down at his hands, now mostly clean, save for the more stubborn of blood flecks in the cuticles of his otherwise perfectly manicured nails. fingers rub vigorously at them, more concentrated on that than whether or not Zhongli had left. when he does eventually look up, he'll notice that he's alone again.

which proves to be worse for his mental state, as he suspected. incoherent whispers in the back of his mind start to form thoughts, this time targeting the other man. words that repeat to him, telling him that Zhongli has no right to speak of things he doesn't know about, has no right to lecture him on it. anger simmers underneath the surface, and he can feel his emotions start to slip from his grasp again, but he manages to keep some sort of hold as another servant comes to help him with the rest of his bath.

words aren't exchanged between the both of them, though it's hard to miss the concerned, yet wary way the attendant looks at him as he gently washes him. silence is broken by the sounds of water, but in Dohalim's mind, those thoughts become louder and louder. he almost misses it when the servant mentions that he should get up and into a change of clean, dry clothes. time passes by slowly yet quickly at the same time, and after finally being put in something more comfortable and being led to his bed, Dohalim speaks softly, yet sternly]

Please fetch Zhongli for me.

[he needn't ask twice as the servant nods, and with the bundle of dirtied clothes and towel in hand, Dohalim is left alone again. the anger is not like it was before, but it's enough to grip at him, almost suffocate him. the fleeting hold of control he has over himself starts to slip again]

[he's stopped by more people than he expects, providing mild-mannered updates to the circumstances. outside of that, he asks for no assistance and so receives none, cleaning up what he can without water and detergents.

the vines, at least, are mostly gone before the servant finds him, a soft clearing of throats catching his attention. he's a little surprised by the summons, but nods nonetheless, slipping past the servant after a murmur of the cleaning that still needs to be done.

his steps echo in the halls of the palace, and there's not even the slightest hesitation as Zhongli opens the door and closes it behind him. the first pause comes at the odd sensation that filters through - it was there before, he supposes, but distant and unobtrusive.]

... Do you require something of me, Dohalim?

[he doesn't quite know what to expect, but it doesn't matter, ultimately. here, he's just as he always is, with that same unreadable expression as ever.]

[he doesn't speak at first, eyes locking with Zhongli's. there's that same look of madness in them, shadowing the usual brilliant amber, almost darkening them. whispers are loud in his ears again as he slowly approaches the other]

I want to ask you something.

[hands come up to slam on either side of Zhongli's head, effectively pinning him against the wall. something almost sinister tugs at their bond as Dohalim lets out a shuddering sigh, leaning forward enough to hunch his shoulders. it's so uncharacteristic to how he usually holds himself, tall and proud]

Do you not feel it? Do you not know what lurks beneath the city, what horrible secrets lie in the deep? Have you not seen it? The Earthen Lord, and he does not know what goes on in his own realm...

[it's not clear if he's talking about himself or Zhongli; his words sounding unhinged in its soft tone]

A different lord would have taken a different path. One like his predecessors. If I had become the lord that Kelzalik wanted, then that lake of Dahnans who have been robbed of their astral energy...

You speak from experience. But have you experienced that? Countless formless bodies fill a grotto under our very feet. How could you not have seen it?

[it's concerning, that touch of madness. something almost physical, deep and horrible. before he can speak his acquiescence, hands slam into the wall beside his head, his space taken up, gaze taken up by the redhead.]

... Haah.

[it's a soft exhale in the face of that strange tug on their bond, not quite painful, but... strange. unpleasant. so unsure is he that he has no answer for the first bit. for him, after all, the Earth is his most notable worry, and the people... well, he isn't perfect.]

... Bodies, yes. Countless forms unworthy of the end they received. I cannot speak to that grotto; that is not an anomaly natural to any circumstance I knew. [at the press for reasons, he only continues that steady stare, unflinching despite the way Dohalim leans into him, over him.] Do you want an excuse? Something you have a rebuttal for? Something to retaliate against? I am aware of my failures. Why I failed to see it for so long doesn't matter.

I cannot change the past. All I can do is remember it and move on. It's the least I can do.

Why remember it when all it will cause is pain? There is already too much pain.

[Dohalim leans forward, breaking his gaze away from Zhongli as he presses his forehead against his shoulder. it's warm, like stone in the sun, but strong, like the sturdiness of earth]

I... Lose all sense of control, when I remember, Zhongli. It consumes me... I have always sought for that control, to conceal what truly lies deep within me. But now...

[whatever it is has fully taken hold of him again, threatening to unleash itself again. not in an explosive way like before, but quiet, yet deafening wave that continues to tug at the bond]

Should we not face punishment for our inactions?

[that stoicness breaks a little as Dohalim's forehead presses into his shoulder. he's so young... really, Zhongli supposes he should have expected it. he has no sweet words of comfort, no uplifting stories.]

... Sometimes, the pain is worthwhile. Remembering is... worthwhile. Over time, the ache of it fades, but... try, if you will.

[there's an almost thrilling sense of danger to it, as he takes in the tug of their bond. how hard he must be fighting... long fingers move to hold him, light but sturdy.]

How do you mean? Is that pain not enough punishment for you, Dohalim?

I don't want to remember.

[it's a sudden movement as Dohalim pulls himself back, swift motions have him pulling on Zhongli's arm with unnatural strength. potted plants placed at the foot of Dohalim's bed are knocked over as he shoves the deity onto it, effectively bending him over the edge of it. pressing himself up against him, Dohalim pins him in place again as he mutters softly in Zhongli's ear]

I do not have the luxury of time like you have. A mortal lifetime is but a blip to you, eventually fading into history. Our contract forged, that is my punishment. To live this life... But what of you? What is your punishment for failing this realm and its people?

[a hand slides up to gently grasp at Zhongli's neck, fingers threatening to squeeze at his throat. a small part of him tries to stop what he's doing, tries to pull away, but... he can't. he's lost control of himself again...]

[Perhaps it's surprise that sees him so easily moved. Plants clatter and roll somewhere near his feet, and Zhongli gives a grunt as he finds himself pinned to the bed. Dohalim is warm over him, voice soft in his ear.]

A mortal life is just as worthy. You-- [His thoughts are put on hold as fingers curl over his throat. That sensation sinks into his bones, sinister and warped.] ... what punishment do you think I deserve, I wonder?

You certainly seem to have an idea in mind... and it is, after all, part of my contract to endure your worst.

Hm… it is as you said. Perhaps this is your punishment…

[fingers squeeze once, as if a warning for… something. A sign of things to come, maybe. Dohalim still fights against that feeling, that corruption, but how much more can he fight if he just wants Zhongli to know of the pain that he feels? The darkness that resides in him, that's staked its claim on him? He wants Zhongli to know what this madness is doing to him, how deep its roots have taken hold. Is he beyond help?]

Perhaps you have an answer for me, because I'm unsure as to what it is. What is happening to me, I wonder if you know.

[the hand on the other's throat slides up and back to grasp tightly at his hair, before twisting his head and pressing the side of it into the mattress roughly. So he can see those golden eyes as Zhongli answers]

You say you will endure the worst of what I can give you, but are you prepared to take it?

[his voice has taken a different nuance, still soft, but with deep heaviness in it. Tired, but simmering with hurt and anger. He's angry that he has to endure this pain, that he has for a long time. Does Zhongli not realise… can he not see it? Time will do nothing but make it hurt more, like a festering wound that will not heal. He isn't blessed with the long life the deity has. How could he say that time will help?]

[wrong. It's wrong. Something distinctly not Dohalim, though it's not enough to force him back. No, it's not like that. He can feel it against their bond, twisted and harsh as it threatens to seep into aether.

He may have mistaken how deeply it had taken root already.]

... nngh. This corruption is--

[fingers grasp hair and shove his face into the bed and Dohalim's questions continue. It's a complex thing, something he can't heal. He never could. But he... answering like this is difficult at best, and a tough of delirium against his senses makes him wonder if it's really so bad.]

... I am prepared. I know not where or when this corruption was planted, and it isn't something I can cure, but... I can endure it.

[and maybe he can alleviate some of the pain of it. Some of the anger that roils in that slow sprouting core. His gaze is sharp, as always, hard to determine in full with one cheek pressed into the mattress, but there is a soft kindness there.

And as an answer, his astral energy extends to envelop Dohalim's, acting as something of a buffer or a shield to help stem the spread of corruption. It's not enough to relieve its influence, but the pain...

Maybe this truly is his punishment. Taking others' pain is nothing new to Zhongli, offering them an ear and an insightful word, but this... it's unnatural. Nothing Dohalim did should have caused this, and nothing the Renan could have done should have made this acceptable. Still, as long as it's levied at him, that should be fine.

It will be fine. He can take this. The Renan isn't alone.]

[there's resistance against the warm astral energy trying to soothe the turmoil, trying to push it away. this is not what he needs. he needs to find that control again, to pull himself back before he hurts Zhongli. but... the unrest, the whispers... it only drives him more. fingers grip tightly onto black hair, twisting slightly]

Corruption is what you call it?

[it only makes sense that it is. rational thought has left him as madness takes over once more]

You know what it is, and yet, you have no cure for it. For a being that has walked this planet since before it was Dahna, the lack of omnipotence is astounding.

[perhaps he made it so easy for it to seep in, to toy with his emotions and pick them apart. he held them in for so long... never once expressing them when all he wanted was to. he'd been alone for so long... even his own friends abandoned him, in the end. he doesn't blame them, but still...]

It has its hold on me. It has for a long time. Alone... Is it truly all that surprising?

[irrationality fogs his mind as he speaks, not making much sense as he does. perhaps the small part of him that's struggling to break free from all of this is also trying to reach out to Zhongli for help. to reach for him in hopes that the deity will pull him back out from this pit]

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