eggbowl | In my blood...

In my blood...

[everything happened so quickly and so slowly, everything that happened is nothing but a haze in Dohalim’s mind. he isn’t sure what had transpired, all he can think about are the dredged up memories he’d spent so long suppressing, tamped down and never to be brought to light ever again. the despair had overtaken him, distant screams and thoughts of death clouding his thoughts as gleaming, liquid silver splashed into view. all he knew after that was unadulterated rage, wanting nothing more than to banish those with him, and to punish those who were responsible.

trails of blood and carnage followed Dohalim to the palace as he tore through any Renan in his path. they could no longer be trusted. the ideals of coexistence is now nothing but a burned up dream; he now sees their true colours. the Dahnans were not the ones at fault here, he could not blame them. but those who got in his way are pulled away by summoned vines as he continues his warpath.

blood splatters the pristine walls of Autelina Palace, an angry contrast to the calming whites, golds, blues and greens, crimson liquid staining the fresh plants and flowers lined up along the walls. countless times had he been met with Renan resistance, clearly those who are dissidents of his rule. they did not stand for very long. the audacity they had to stand up against a lord like him…

vines rip the doors open to his chambers where Kelzelik and his supporters huddle together, eyes widened to see Dohalim stand before them, rod in hand. words are not exchanged as those same vines wrap themselves around those who’d dare to oppose him, their pleas falling on deaf ears as they slowly squeeze the lives out of them. all, except Kelzelik, one of those who Dohalim had trusted the most. one who seemed to follow his every order, his every suggestion, his every dream for this realm. the blood on Dohalim’s hands are also on his former advisor’s, as he gestures to the men struggling around them]

You did this.

[Dohalim’s voice sounds strange even to him, hoarse and pained. maddened eyes stay on the man, standing unflinching as thorns burst from the vines and through those it’s ensnared. crimson blooms of roses blend with the blood as it drips from the petals as he puts to rest those who had tried to seize his realm.

when Dohalim is finally found, he’s still in his chambers, on his knees, arms wrapped tightly around himself as hands grasp onto his shoulders, his breathing is ragged and erratic]

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To me, you are.

[watching each movement to intervene if he deems it necessary, Zhongli presses his hand gently against Dohalim's chest. The other continues its absent movements, brushing back hair or grazing over his cheeks or jaw.]

You may struggle to see it, but you're worth so much more. You'll not change my mind on the subject.

[Dohalim supposes that everyone has their breaking point, and that perhaps, he'd reached his a long time ago and never really noticed. that he'd been pulled so taut like a rubber band that it would eventually snap. he's not sure exactly what Zhongli says that pushes him over the edge, but it just adds to everything else coming to a head. after everything that's been done, and Zhongli still says that. he can ponder on the why of it, but it would lead him in a cycle of self doubt and self hatred and he doesn't want to do that anymore. he's tired of doing that.

it starts out as another shuddering breath, hand clutching tightly at Zhongli's pressed against his chest. his eyes prickle hotly, and he tilts his head down to hide his face, but the plonk plonk of tears against the deity's chest makes it really hard to deny before it all eventually comes crashing down. there's a choked sob before Dohalim lets it all out, dissolving into a mess of tears and more sobs, shoulders shaking as he leans down to press his forehead against Zhongli's chest. it wracks through him with such force that he would, no doubt, exhaust himself, but this is what he needs, right? is this what he's wanted, some sort of release? perhaps it isn't so bad letting some emotion go, rather than bottling it up.

the warmth of their intertwined bond reminds him that he isn't alone in the cold darkness, but instead so ensnared by this deity that refuses to let him go... there's comfort in that thought. comfort he didn't think he'd ever find. he wants to continue to push back, push Zhongli away, but... it's not what he wants, is it? he's so scared of being alone again. maybe it's the fear of watching Zhongli turn his back on him, but he's proven that, even when he's taken away, he always comes back. however, Dohalim isn't sure he'll ever get over it, as a spear of anxiety, on top of it all, pierces his heart. it thrums along their bond for but a momnet.

all the while, he continues to cry, really cry, as his emotions bleed out of him like an open wound. to compare it to such wouldn't even be so far off the mark]

[silence envelops them as Dohalim works through it all. Thoughts and feelings Zhongli can only guess at run wild and rampant in the space between them, piling up until they finally spill over.

The self doubt crumples under the weight of everything the young ruler needs, and there's not a second of loneliness that's allowed to exist between the first shuddering breath and the way Zhongli moves. It's so... easy. So simple to slip an arm around him, to pull him close as tears begin to fall.

His body, then, offers some semblance of shelter; a way to hide Dohalim's pain and suffering from the world at large, so that he can feel it safely. It won't make some of it any easier to swallow, but hopefully his presence will. Hands embrace and warmth fills their bond, thrumming almost songlike between them.

That spear of anxiety, too, is taken and soothed - Zhongli would never expect it to just disappear because he happened to admit the right things. This... this, he thinks, is what he needed. A reminder that humanity is imperfect, that it's alright to choose the wrong thing, to stumble.

His chest rises and falls in slow, sure breaths, heartbeat loud in the enclosed space. Fingers stroke Dohalim's back in gentle, kind motions, and he murmurs softly in turn. That it's alright, he can take his time. That he's not going anywhere. Lips press to the crown of the redhead's hair, the deity's eyes closing softly.]

[it terrifies him, to have his emotions stripped down to bare bones, to have him laid out so vulnerably in front of this man who, only weeks ago, was just another member of his court. the very notion of sobbing uncontrollably against Zhongli's chest as his heart bleeds out was a thought that never would have crossed his mind; up until all of this had happened, he was perfectly content with keeping everything in and hidden away from those around him.

but, then again, perhaps doing so is exactly why he's in this situation. perhaps the corruption had found him somehow, had burrowed deep under the layers of trauma concealed and uprooted them all. is the taint really that bad then, when it provided an avenue for Dohalim to let out all that pained him over the last few years? or does it want to leave him more vulnerable and raw so that it could more easily take over? the fear is there again, clutching at his chest, and amid the sobs, he struggles to breathe for a moment.

he's tired. he's so tired. he's tired of feeling this fear, he's tired of feeling so heavy. is it really alright to lean on Zhongli so desperately? the deity himself has offered it so willingly... perhaps, for a time, he can. he can try to allow himself to do so. it's hard but... Zhongli does make it feel warm and inviting.

Dohalim is able to catch his breath again as his sobs finally start to die down. he feels incredibly weak, both in mind and body; physically more so because of his fever than anything. he slumps heavily against Zhongli's chest, the side of his face pressed against warm skin, half-closed eyes trailed off to a corner of his room. they land on the violin locked up in the glass case, and as much as he doesn't like looking at it as it dredges up memories of simpler days, he can't help but look at it]

[fingers continue their gentle movements as Dohalim slumps, Zhongli's gaze kept gentle as he peers at the redhead. It's better, he thinks... it's more than he intended to offer, but something had gotten through, at least. Dohalim needed this.]

Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable right now, Dohalim? Anything that will help you to rest...

[His warmth is already on offer, but he's definitely not sure what exactly will help. He too glances to the violin in its case, though that's incidental on his side. It clearly means a lot to the Renan, cared for and encased as it is, but he hasn't brought it up before. It didn't seem appropriate... it still doesn't, really. He wants to know, but is that his right at all?]

[maybe, one day, Dohalim will tell Zhongli the story behind it. maybe he'll share those memories with him, but right now, it's something he still can't talk about, never minding the pining he has to play it again. books of scores and sheet music line the bookcase behind his desk, some even strewn across said desk as well. he does itch to play it again, but he's not worthy to pick it up once more. not when it's one more thing that he's stolen from Tarnigen. he misses hearing the accompaniment of his and their friends' violins playing alongside with his, to tunes he's composed himself.

letting his eyes slip closed, he shakes his head, feeling the exhaustion start to creep up on him. it's better than the corruption; its claws finally releasing him for the time being. he lets out a soft sigh]

Just stay...

[Dohalim's voice is soft but raw, and holds just a little bit of that desperation. he has a feeling that Zhongli won't leave him, but he needs that reassurance right now]

I wouldn't leave even if you asked, right now.

[Zhongli's voice is similarly soft, a little gentler. His weight shifts to embrace Dohalim a little more comfortably then, at least glad he seems to be returning to his usual self a little more. One thing at a time, that's all they need.]

Someone will probably be by with food soon... I can bid them heat it later so you can rest, if you'd like.

[Dohalim considers this for a moment, head still tilted and eyes still staring at his violin. He’s pretty sure he’s can’t eat right now even if he tried, so he nods, before tilting his head back to look at Zhongli]

Wouldn’t be able to eat right now…

[after such an intense display of emotions, he really isn’t feeling hungry at all. He should, perhaps, reconsider this, all things considered, but he’ll think about food later when he’s gotten some rest. He really is feeling rather exhausted, to the point that he can’t even be worried about any impending nightmares that he’s sure awaits him as soon as he drifts off to sleep. He can’t ask Zhongli to help him with those nightmares again lest the deity also exhausts himself, and something like this happens all over again.

The thought of being separated from the other only gets Dohalim to burrow slightly into Zhongli’s chest, face pressed against warm skin. Only then does he realize that he’s still shirtless, and also now damp from his tears]

You should… put on a shirt…

It's understandable.

[Zhongli can't help but smile a little, even if everything feels a little strange, a little heavy still. were he to employ the incense and feel exhausted again though, he's more likely to just ask Dohalim to rest a little longer.

when the other speaks about his lack of shirt, Zhongli can't help but laugh, reaching up to cradle the side of his jaw.]

You would have to let me move for a moment, you know. [this time, it's gentle. teasing.] I was more worried about getting to you earlier than whether I was dressed, in truth. You can hold onto my waist while I get that, if you like.

[there’s a moment that Dohalim takes to consider his options. On one hand, he wants Zhongli to rest comfortably with him. On the other hand, it’s just as he says: he’ll have to move. It’s a prospect he doesn’t really want to entertain but he really should; he’s already being selfish enough.

Though, he can’t help but let out a small grumble to himself as he slides off the deity, but not without slinging his arm around Zhongli’s waist and burrowing into his side. There really is no escape, even if Zhongli wanted to. Even with how warm he still is (and how miserable he feels now that he’s more aware of how sick he is again), he still wants Zhongli’s warmth against him, as a reminder that he’s here and real. He’s sure that the corruption will take that and twist it later, but for now, he’s content as he can be laying here curled up against him]

[Zhongli moves to stroke through Dohalim's hair again then, just once more before he's stretching to reach for his shirt. Thankfully, despite the tussle it's not far away, and the redhead will be able to revel in the movement of the deity's muscles as he tugs it on. Just more reminders that he's there and real, really.

After that's done, the brunet gently moves his Lord's hands, coaxing him upward until he's burrowed more fully against his side. It's a little childish, perhaps, but he doubts the Renan has had much chance to be so. Besides... it's kind of cute, if he's honest. Too bad about the corruption, but the actual act is pretty pure.]

There, now. Shall we rest a while? You can leave what must be done to me, Lord Dohalim.

[at Zhongli’s movements, Dohalim’s arm tightens ever so slightly, trying to close whatever gap between them as much as he can without being too much of a hindrance. But he may or may not be revelling in the other’s muscles (a weakness of his, he’ll admit to himself; for all that he doesn’t like fighting, he does enjoy watching warriors engage in battle. What he would do to watch Zhongli fight, though for now, he’ll just. Sort of feel him up subtly, all digression aside).

Though, with rest does leave a question, especially after Zhongli speaks. He still has work to do, and he has to figure out how to get it done. He can’t exactly do a lot of it bedridden, but… it can’t go undone, either]

I still have work that needs to be done in a timely manner…

[as much as he wants to give himself respite, there are things only he can give the okay on. And it’s not like his court would trust someone as his right hand so soon after the coup]

[Zhongli certainly doesn't complain about the wandering of Dohalim's hands over his muscles. the rest... well, he exhales a soft hum.]

Timely enough is when you've recovered. If I were to put a wager, I would think you can suggest nothing that cannot be put off for a few scant days.

[there are still things to handle, certainly, but it's becoming increasingly clear to him that... well, he doesn't really care. the people of Menancia aren't struggling for anything, and his court is hardly breathing down his neck for answers. will they worry? certainly so, if this little adventure says anything... but they also care more than Dohalim seems to think, after all.]

Rest now. You'll hardly be able to make clear decisions as you are right now.

But…

[before Dohalim can make any real argument on why exactly he needs to be up and about, he falls silent as a wave of exhaustion hits him. It really is as if his body is telling him that he needs more than a few hours of rest, that he really does need to slow down for a few days. Damn the deity for being right.

He sighs softly, before resigning himself and tucking himself in more; if he could burrow even more, he’d be a ball half under Zhongli at this point]

…Fine.

[the word is muffled against the other’s side, and before he can speak again, Dohalim can feel sleep try to overtake him. This time, he’ll just have to trust Zhongli to wake him from his nightmares, not wanting a repeat of the day. He can vaguely hear a soft knock on the door as he fades into sleep.

A servant lets himself in with a bowl of soup not unlike the one from the day before, piping hot. “There was a request for food to be brought to His Lordship.”]

Rest well, baoshi.

[he murmurs the term softly, even as he can see Dohalim falling asleep. what a mess this is... when the servant enters with the bowl, Zhongli raises a finger to his lips to keep the conversation from disturbing the Renan, and he nods in turn.]

My apologies, His Lordship has finally fallen asleep. Have the meal kept ready to be heated when he's awoken, if you would.

[his tone is soft, gentler than usual even, as Zhongli shifts enough to let the servant see that yes, Dohalim is fine and resting comfortably. there's not much to be done about his own position here, but that's fine. it would get out eventually anyway, and he suspects any particularly upsetting rumours will be taken care of without any effort on their part.]

[the servant nods, watching them for a moment as he shifts the tray in his hands to hold it a little bit more comfortably. There’s a slight discomfort he feels seeing someone so close to Dohalim, but it’s said that one must be comfortable and trusting to be able to fall asleep around someone else. He does have to wonder if there’ something more than meets the eye with this traveller for his lord to be so attached so soon after what had happened with the attempted uprising.

But his concern over Zhongli is overpowered by his own worry for Dohalim; a worry that most, if not all of the palace has for their lord. None of them have seen him in such a state, and he does have to wonder if all that had come to light was just too much for him to handle. He’d always equated Dohalim with a sort of grace and strength, someone strong enough to have turned typical Renan ideals into one of equality, and to convince his own kind to accept such radical ideas. So to see him fallen, to see him in such a state… it’s disconcerting.

“Is he alright? I mean, truly alright?”

His voice is low and soft, almost worried about the answer]

[he can't really blame the man, all told. at least, in the end, Zhongli did get a shirt on - the scandals would be wild otherwise, he thinks. still, at the question, the deity offers a nod.]

He should be alright with some rest. Lord Dohalim is strong, but even Renans are prone to sickness when they overwork themselves. [it's surprisingly difficult not to go back to stroking the Renan's hair, what with someone else here.] He likely cannot speak to how much he needs his people's assistance, wanting to be strong for you as he has been.

[it's just a little bit of a play; Zhongli never said he wouldn't make suggestions on Dohalim's state. and to say it this way, it's less implying that Dohalim has any weaknesses as it is implying that assistance will simply streamline things and make him have to work less. that should be fair.]

[“That isn’t what I meant—-“

The servant snaps silent, trying to catch his words, but it’s too late. He instantly looks regretful at what he’s said, looking away.

“Apologies… I didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m just worried for him. A lot of us are. A lot has happened recently, and… I don’t know, Lord Dohalim just seems a little… Different.”

He shakes his head, looking back at Zhongli with a look that matches his apologetic tone. He’s being presumptuous, the thinks.

“…Never mind. Maybe I’m just imagining things.”]

I'm aware; His Lordship is held in high regard for good reason. But,

[of course, he is being presumptuous. Zhongli doesn't seem the least bit upset, at least, his tone even and calm as ever.]

If something is troubling him, it would hardly my business to say so even were I privy to that, don't you think? [he's not a nark, Karen.] I believe it would be a better use of the time to see what burdens can be lifted from him, to help prove to him beyond a doubt that his people still see him as worthy.

[he raises a finger to stop any protest on that immediate subject before continuing.]

What you and I see with ease is not the case for all people, after all. One could misunderstand how they are seen quite easily, if one is already blaming themselves for what they perceive as failures.

[it does take a moment for him to piece together what Zhongli is saying; as smooth a talker as he is, he is still rather verbose and does often confuse not only him, but a lot of the Dahnans as well. Sometimes, they can’t make heads or tails of what the man says, and all they really do is nod and smile. Dohalim… isn’t all that different in the way he speaks, either, now that he thinks about it.

But he does eventually come to a conclusion as it clicks; his hands grip the tray tightly.

“Are you saying that Lord Dohalim blames himself for Kelzalik’s coup? Why would he…”

Dohalim has done so much for them. How could he see himself as a failure?]

I said nothing of the sort, only spoke of what might cause one to change so drastically in such a short time.

[Zhongli knows as well as this man does that it was implied, but the intent is clear: this is not something Dohalim wants his people to know. that fact alone will make it hard to work around, at least so that it doesn't become obvious that it's become known.]

That said, I think he'll come to understand how things truly are eventually. [because Zhongli's not going to stop fucking meddling until he does.]

[the servant falls silent again, shifting on the spot as he considers saying something else or just leaving it be. There are so many unanswered questions, even from those who found Dohalim in the forest. There’s something going on, but everyone’s being hush hush about it. But it’s not like there’s a particular malevolence about it, just… something that maybe should be kept under wraps, for now. And it seems like the other man has a handle on it for now, and it seems like Dohalim is letting him take care of it.

So he’ll push all of those questions aside, save for one.

“Will he be alright?”]

[Zhongli's smile turns... tender then, gentle. his gaze turns to Dohalim, hands still gently folded in his lap though they are.]

If it is the last thing I do, he will be alright. You have my word on that.

[the rest... well, the rest will be what it is.]

[there's another moment where he considers Zhongli's words, and the weight of them. he's in no position to make a decision on whether or not Dohalim should trust the man, but it seems as if Zhongli hadn't left his lord's side much since the incident. maybe he, and the rest of the court, could trust him as well. though the nervousness of having someone so close to the Renan worries him just a little bit.

but... strength in numbers, right? if Zhongli were to slight their lord, he and the people of Menancia would most likely rise against him. surely, he has to know that...

so, he nods, and carefully bows with the tray still in hand, and steps back towards the door.

"If there's anything we can do, let us know." and with that, he's gone.

a day or two passes without any real incident; Dohalim seemingly taking heed of Zhongli's suggestion to stay in bed, much to his chagrin. as ill as he still feels, he does also feel rather antsy being in bed all day. he doesn't know what's going on in the palace, and in the city, and as much as he tries to calm himself down to rest more, he does have those spikes of nervousness. time and again, he can feel the corruption try to pluck at it, but more often than not, he reaches out to the deity through their bond to try to tamp it down.

though, that doesn't stop him from trying to convince Zhongli on the fourth day to let him sit in at least one meeting, despite the fever still present and the overall ill feeling]

--Please, Zhongli. I need to know what's going on in the city. I'm asking for one meeting.

[for his part, Zhongli does try not to hover over Dohalim too much. he's aware that the man must be getting antsy - guesses at it even before it becomes plainly obvious in the first few days, really. still, the more he gets up, the more recovery he's going to need. with his people happy to wait on him hand and foot and Zhongli to do what they cannot, there's not much he's had to do. moreover, hearing what's going on from servants and individuals visiting his room is no substitute for the real thing.

so really, by the fourth day, he's certainly feeling more charitable. the fever is still present, true, but it's likely that more fresh air would do him well now. sighing, Zhongli reaches to test his temperature with the back of a hand, still looking at him with concern on his face.]

... One meeting. I'll be by your side throughout, unless there's something you deem I should be absent for.

[brushing the man's hair back, he leans forward to press their foreheads together in a soft, affectionate gesture.]

I'll prepare your regalia... it would be best if we could leave you a little more dressed down, of course, but...

[but he knows how much appearances mean to the Renan.]

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