eggbowl | In my blood...

[Dohalim's bid for privacy has no ulterior implications, at least he doesn't think so. he just wants to be away from the public view in the event he falls apart again. even though the slip is small, it can still be a slippery slope, and his descent into madness is something he doesn't want the city to experience again. not when its citizens are trying their very best to pick themselves back up. they don't need to see that horror again.

though, he is surprised by the level of support he still has from those who were on his side of coexistence. the small, but genuine smiles they still offer him as they pass him by in the hallways are indicative of that.

the hand placed over his provides a small comfort as Dohalim sighs again, before tilting his head to the side]

Shall we, then?

[he doesn't wait for an answer as he steps back, letting his hand fall away from Zhongli's arm. there's a reluctance there, not ready to separate himself from the deity just yet, but if anyone were to see them... not that his servants or anyone in his court would say anything about it, but still. it would be unbecoming to show such affection...

he trusts Zhongli to follow him down the hallways; he walks in silence, but close to the other to gently brush his hand against his, to remind himself that Zhongli is, indeed, still with him. there's a slight fog in his mind, but it's easily ignorable enough to ask a passing servant to have some tea and snacks delivered to his garden. it's with practiced ease that he can sound level headed enough for just that.

however, it's when they find themselves in the garden tucked away in the back of the palace, and away from the view of others for the time being, does Dohalim turn his attention back on Zhongli again, stepping forward to grasp his upper arm, and resting his forehead against his shoulder. another sigh, heavier this time, as he tries to push that corruption away again]

Of course. Lead the way, my lord.

[Zhongli falls into the faint politeness with similarly practiced ease, and when Dohalim starts to lead, he does keep quite close; as often as the Renan needs, he can reach out and touch him at any time on their walk.

it's a quick enough thing, coming to the garden. quiet and out of the way, with all the same trappings of warm earth as the larger public ones... just... private, of course. private enough that Dohalim steps forward and Zhongli pauses more out of curiosity than anything, staying easily still as the other man's forehead comes to rest against his shoulder.]

... It's loud again, then? [his voice is soft and sympathetic as Zhongli shifts, intending to lead Dohalim to sit down. it'll be easier to comfort him from that position, to offer more of his presence. from there, in fact, he can slip his arms around the redhead's waist, as warm and persistent as their bond.]

Loud enough that I need you.

[not nearly as bad as it was the last time, but loud enough that Dohalim has to take Zhongli's offer up for help. thankfully not loud enough, or imposing enough to violently pull at their bond, to try to taint it again. but the arms around his waist, and the warmth from Zhongli's body is nearly enough to silence the whispers, for the time being. he knows he has limited time before a servant comes by with tea, but for now, he'll sit in this comfort.

his own arms wrap around the other, hands gently tangling themselves in Zhongli's hair. silky smooth around his fingers, it provides another small comfort]

I had thought I would be able to ignore it, but...

[Dohalim shakes his head again, head on Zhongli's shoulder again. it's still an adjustment, trying to get used to this intrusion in his mind, and the comfort sought of this man. but at least he did, at least Zhongli is here]

It truly did want its presence to be known.

[Zhongli exhales an understanding hum, allowing himself to just be there. his fingers trace idle circles over Dohalim's waist, firm enough to be felt in its gentle soothing motions.]

You needn't try to suffer through it, you know...

[tilting his head a little, the deity presses his lips to Dohalim's forehead and squeezes gently where he holds him. it's so much to deal with alone, after all...]

Do you want to talk about it? That may help to settle things a little. I won't judge you for any of it, you realise.

I am... Unsure what I could talk about. The whispers themselves are undiscernible at best, most of the time.

[like right now. he just knows the presence of the corruption, and the general feeling of dread hanging over his head, but... nothing specific. at least, not right now. not like before. the whispers aren't saying truly heinous things to him, aren't picking apart his anxieties, this time]

Though, I suppose I... Hm. The last time, they were particularly vicious about being left alone. That I would always be alone.

[Dohalim's eyes squeeze shut as he quickly pushes those thoughts away before that taint can cling to it and exacerbate it]

I think I came to you just in time for it to run rampant, this time. But the whispers are still there. Even in your warmth...

That is fine. I'm here to listen regardless.

[as he speaks of the last time, Zhongli listens quietly and attentively, reaching to brush the back of his fingers along the redhead's cheek as his eyes squeeze shut.]

... It's hard to change how you feel, when it's gone unchallenged for so long. I don't expect it to change too quickly, but I hope that over time it will start to ease. That... may not be as reassuring as you'd like, of course. For that, I'm sorry.

Time...

[it seems that time is the balm to all of this... but Dohalim has to wonder just how much of it he realistically has. does he have an entire lifetime? or does he have until tomorrow? he doesn't like the uncertainty of waiting for the preventable or inevitable]

I do have to wonder if it's on our side, or if we're just working against it.

[the hand on his face is soothing, but it doesn't completely quell the brewing storm in him. it's exhausting, having this loom over his head]

I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't have a desire for death, still. Less so now, but... Perhaps the corruption is to blame. Or maybe...

[his thoughts are jumbled as he tries to voice them. but before he can finish his train of thought, there's a soft knock on the door, before it opens, letting the servant wheel in a cart with their tea, as well as some biscuits and sweets for them.

as soon as that door does open, Dohalim quickly pushes himself up off Zhongli, sitting up straight. the façade is back up, offering a polite smile as the table is set]

... Perhaps it is a little of both.

[time is a boon and a bane, after all. but... ah. as he starts to open up a little, there's the knock of the servant at the door. Zhongli manages not to sigh, turning himself to give the Renan space. decorum is important, after all, and while they may have come to a tentative arrangement, the people of Elde Menancia don't really... know about it.

his hands rest in his lap as the servant sets their table, offering a smile and a soft thanks in turn. at least they're both adept at their personae, and no one would even think they'd been in such an intimate position only moments before.]

[it's decorum, but a small part of it is because Dohalim doesn't want to show the court something that usually would bring one happiness. not so soon after what he'd done. what would the people say if he was seen showing affection towards someone right after he'd done some of the most heinous acts the realm has seen under his rule?

maybe a part of him still thinks he doesn't deserve this.

but he's quiet while the servant works, save for the soft expressed gratitude before the servant walks out. it's only then, that Dohalim's shoulders hunch slightly, as he drops the act. it's exhausting, but... it must be done]

We should... Tea. Before it gets cold.

[he'll work on pouring it for the both of them, so that he can distract himself from the topic at hand, as well as the whispers. it's an internal struggle, but at least he's getting by]

Of course. It's always best to enjoy these things at their proper temperatures.

[he doesn't want to rush Dohalim, after all. bringing all this up... it's not a circumstance he envies the other for. and if there was more than listening that he could do, he certainly would. for now, he just settles in to enjoy the warm air, the tea and snacks, and the comforting atmosphere of the garden itself.

being around the plants is a comfort he's not used to enjoying, really; it's something Dohalim might have noticed, in their recent time. despite being a creature of the Earth, Zhongli has always seemed more resonant with the rocks and earth itself than the plants that grow from it.]

[while Dohalim does resonate with the earth itself, as is his affinity to wield earth astral artes, he's also been able to extend that to plants as well. alongside being able to control the ground and rock under their feet and manipulate it to his will, so too can he with his vines, summoning them in the heat of battle. but not only that, it's almost like he can feel the plants' as if there's a sentience to them. it's odd to explain, which is why he doesn't. but perhaps the feeling of the plants is what seems to soothe him, sometimes, as he finds himself sitting in the garden often. a meditative experience, he could say. but that was before the corruption. now he's sure that he'd hear nothing but those whispers if he were to sit in silence.

he watches Zhongli while pouring out their tea, perfectly steeped and fragrant. a Menancian offering, of course, of the finest tea leaves in the realm. picking up his teacup and inhaling, Dohalim lets out a soft sigh]

They must have used the leaves from the peaks dividing Menancia and Cyslodia. Aromatic and flavourful...

[Zhongli's eyes close as he takes in the scent of the tea, fingers curling gently around the cup.]

Indeed. Picked recently, I believe. It smells a touch sweeter than normal, with a richer depth.

[he could go on for ages, he knows... but somehow, the idea of prattling on about the things he knows falls flat. instead, his attention wavers between the offerings and Dohalim, mind wandering. how to proceed, how to work through what they need... he knows the people of Viscint won't stay silent, nor are they stupid enough to miss what's going on. perhaps not the depth of the issue, but his sudden closeness to their Lord...]

Mm, yes. Truly a treat for the senses.

[Dohalim blows on it for a moment, before taking a sip. it seems like the tea had pushed away the corruption for the time being; he's pretty sure it's a brief interlude, so he'll take what he can get.

with his free hand, he reaches over to gently place it over Zhongli's arm again, not wanting to go without some sort of contact. he has the same thoughts about Viscint's people, especially those within his court. there is no doubt about his closeness with the deity, and he has to wonder if there would be any contention about it. after all, who he thought to be his most trusted advisor turned out to be a traitor...

if the time comes where he has to explain his closeness to Zhongli... would he be able to? would he want to? it would open up another multitude of problems if he were honest as to why Zhongli is so close, but what could he possibly say in lieu of "he keeps my head stable"? to voice his instability could bring chaos to the realm again, and that's something he desperately wants to avoid.

but to keep this hidden from plain view, is that fair to Zhongli? to shroud their relationship in mystery... does the deity not care? or does he, but doesn't want to say anything so as to not trigger an emotional reaction? what should he do...]

[this time, it's hardly surprising when Dohalim places a hand over his arm. a small smile flits over his lips and he shifts a little, moving to draw his arm up and instead take the Renan's hand in his own.

it's reassurance, and it's a little selfishness, really. he can certainly drink tea just fine with one hand, and so he does. its warmth fills him with a gentle sense of contentment, sweet and persistent. in the wake of it and the garden itself, there's an ephemeral feeling of serenity that hangs in the air, he thinks.

when it comes to their circumstance... in truth, he doesn't mind keeping their relationship shrouded. he's more worried about the effects it'll have when people put the pieces together and stop choosing to stay quiet about them.]

Thank you for coming to me before things got too overwhelming, Dohalim.

[the touch is so simple, yet it floods Dohalim with a sort of warmth he never knew he'd be able to experience; it's enough for the time being to illuminate the darkness in his heart. his fingers squeeze Zhongli's gently, as a sign that he's still with him in mind and body]

I had to. I didn't want another situation where I end up hurting you again. Perhaps this way... This way will be better for the both of us.

[the nightmares that followed the last few days have been nothing short of horrific, causing him to jolt from slumber so violently, and leaving him drenched in sweat as he struggles to catch his breath. nights are the worst, for not being able to keep Zhongli close to him while he slept. sure, their rooms are nearby each other, but... Dohalim can still feel the strain on their bond for being separated for so long.

but... it's not like he can ask Zhongli to sleep in his room with him... no, that would be too forward...]

Ah... I suppose that's true. Still, I can imagine it wasn't easy to do.

[Zhongli is mild in his commentary, smiling warmly and gently between sips of his tea. He can tell there's something more, but how to get Dohalim talking about it? That's a harder question to answer.]

I know I've at least implied it before, but you needn't feel guilt for what you need from me, Dohalim. I rather enjoy being here to assist and offer my presence, as well as whatever comfort I can.

Edited 2022-09-13 20:03 (UTC)

You... Are too kind to me.

[Dohalim looks down at the pale orange-brown of the tea in his teacup, his finger tapping the side of it in thought. Zhongli had so many reasons not to show him this sort of kindness and warmth, and yet here he is, still, even after what he'd done. there's the guilt that weighs him down again, and he has to let out a sigh as he leans back in his seat]

What I need-- want from you is a little too forward, I'm afraid.

[he really does want Zhongli's presence in most times, if he can have it. but it really would be too much. he does respect the deity's privacy away from him, as well. but every time he thinks about being away from him, it only tugs at their bond even more. he can't explain it, he's never been this attached to anyone before...]

I don't believe I am to kind at all.

[He gives just little denials of the most important things, really. Dohalim leans back and speaks again, and Zhongli hums softly. Really, he's making this so hard on himself...]

Too forward? For me? [wry amusement shows on his face as Zhongli watches Dohalim.] that gives me an idea of what you want... but I would rather hear it from you directly than assume, I think.

Of course you would.

[Zhongli did seem like the straightforward type, the exact opposite of Dohalim. he himself knows how he talks in a roundabout way when he's trying to figure his thoughts out, or if he's trying to skirt an issue. it doesn't make it less frustrating though. he lets out another sigh, sharper this time, as he tries to push that frustration aside. he needs to remain calm]

Nights... Are always the worst, it seems. It's possible that nightmares fuel it but... It's the only time I'm ever truly alone, away from your presence. I'm sure you felt me pull at our bond, yes? As a reminder to myself that we really are still bound...

[there's that needling feeling again as he remembers those nightmares, sharp in the back of his mind; Dohalim grips onto Zhongli's hand a little tighter to push it away again]

I could not possibly ask you to spend your nights with me. That is simply too much.

... Dohalim...

[there's the barest hint of a sigh there, as the Renan speaks. of all the things to think is too much... his hand shifts to let him reach and cover Dohalim's with both of them, teacup set aside. warmth radiates from there, calm and content in this space.]

For whom would it be too much, do you think? [after the other day, he'd thought... well, it's hard to believe everything you hear. he understands that much.] I have felt it, and offered reassurance as I can in kind, but... why would I balk at the idea of spending more time with you?

Because I respect that you have your own time I'm sure you would want for yourself.

[he doesn't want to give Zhongli that freedom, he doesn't want to give him an opportunity to leave. those are the terrifying thoughts the corruption twist in his mind, as he grips that proverbial leash to keep the deity with him. but the other side of the coin, he can't... this isn't... this isn't fair to Zhongli.

his hand quivers under Zhongli's hold. he holds off that corruption for now, but how much longer can he last if he keeps thinking about this? setting his own teacup down, he takes both of Zhongli's hands with his, bringing them up to press against his forehead as he tilts his head down]

I can't... Expect you to stay by my side at every waking moment because I want you to. But... I need... I need you...

[his thoughts are jumbled; he can't think straight. perhaps it's the smokey haze in his mind, but he's contradicting himself and he knows it. however, the small tells, the way his hands grip Zhongli's, the way he leans towards him, all indicative of the latter of what he's saying]

[Dohalim rests his head on their hands, and Zhongli smiles softly in turn. he's trying so hard... to be fair, to be understanding. and of course, the deity appreciates it. of course he does. but more still, all he actually wants...]

... You're mistaken, Dohalim.

[softly, he speaks and leans in, pressing his lips to the crown of Dohalim's head. he is, after all. for all his contradictions, all his jumbled and hazy thoughts, he's forgotten one important thing about all this.

that is, Zhongli's own intentions.]

If my presence is what you want, then that is what I'd like to give. Not just because of your worries, but simply because I want to be there. Of course, I understand the circumstances aren't... ideal, given everything, but... you need only ask. If you need me, I will be there. If you want me... I will be there. Don't suffer for no reason.

I need you, Zhongli. I need you. Stay with me.

[he repeats the words, as if to try to convince himself that he deserves the man's presence. does he think he does? no. but here he is. clinging onto him both physically, and to their bond, fearing that it'll all slip from his fingers if he lets go. the whispers still pluck at those anxieties, and he tries his hardest to ignore them, but he just can't.

however... maybe if he...

lifting his head up, he huffs out a soft breath]

Forgive my forwardness.

[leaning close, and holding their hands to his chest, Dohalim presses his lips against Zhongli's in a hope that he'll silence those whispers. in hopes that he can convince himself that this is okay, in hopes that he can believe Zhongli's words. he's selfish, he knows he is, for wanting this, for wanting all of the deity, but... he needs him]

Of course I'll stay.

[the words are a murmur that picks up just moments after Dohalim finishes his first statement, that smile shifting just a little to hear them. how he clings doesn't bother Zhongli at all, and then... and then he lifts his head and speaks again.

the kiss may be a little clumsy, but that's fine. the deity is hardly used to them either, though he leans into it easily. his hands are held and so he can't pull him closer, but he can press himself in more, tongue brushing the Renan's lips in some soft encouragement. forward... maybe it is, but he's been waiting for it since Dohalim started talking.]

[it's so wrong... it's so wrong to want Zhongli like this after what he'd done, but as he feels that tongue against his lips, Dohalim can't help but part them slightly to let his own meet with the other's. it's wrong, but... it's okay, too. it has to be. he hadn't forced himself onto Zhongli, this time... right? the deity's reaction is different, this time; he's willing to show this affection back, so it it's alright...

it has to be.

he can taste the tea on his tongue, slightly sweet, but robust in its flavour. or is that how Zhongli tastes? Dohalim isn't sure. but he leans in more to deepen that kiss, to want to taste more of him, to see if he truly does taste like that tea, or if he tastes differently. his hands let go of Zhongli's, sliding up to rest on his shoulders. when he does pull away for a breath, it's brief before he leans in again, half open amber watching him for any sign that the man doesn't want this]

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