eggbowl | In my blood...

... Dohalim...

[there's the barest hint of a sigh there, as the Renan speaks. of all the things to think is too much... his hand shifts to let him reach and cover Dohalim's with both of them, teacup set aside. warmth radiates from there, calm and content in this space.]

For whom would it be too much, do you think? [after the other day, he'd thought... well, it's hard to believe everything you hear. he understands that much.] I have felt it, and offered reassurance as I can in kind, but... why would I balk at the idea of spending more time with you?

Because I respect that you have your own time I'm sure you would want for yourself.

[he doesn't want to give Zhongli that freedom, he doesn't want to give him an opportunity to leave. those are the terrifying thoughts the corruption twist in his mind, as he grips that proverbial leash to keep the deity with him. but the other side of the coin, he can't... this isn't... this isn't fair to Zhongli.

his hand quivers under Zhongli's hold. he holds off that corruption for now, but how much longer can he last if he keeps thinking about this? setting his own teacup down, he takes both of Zhongli's hands with his, bringing them up to press against his forehead as he tilts his head down]

I can't... Expect you to stay by my side at every waking moment because I want you to. But... I need... I need you...

[his thoughts are jumbled; he can't think straight. perhaps it's the smokey haze in his mind, but he's contradicting himself and he knows it. however, the small tells, the way his hands grip Zhongli's, the way he leans towards him, all indicative of the latter of what he's saying]

[Dohalim rests his head on their hands, and Zhongli smiles softly in turn. he's trying so hard... to be fair, to be understanding. and of course, the deity appreciates it. of course he does. but more still, all he actually wants...]

... You're mistaken, Dohalim.

[softly, he speaks and leans in, pressing his lips to the crown of Dohalim's head. he is, after all. for all his contradictions, all his jumbled and hazy thoughts, he's forgotten one important thing about all this.

that is, Zhongli's own intentions.]

If my presence is what you want, then that is what I'd like to give. Not just because of your worries, but simply because I want to be there. Of course, I understand the circumstances aren't... ideal, given everything, but... you need only ask. If you need me, I will be there. If you want me... I will be there. Don't suffer for no reason.

I need you, Zhongli. I need you. Stay with me.

[he repeats the words, as if to try to convince himself that he deserves the man's presence. does he think he does? no. but here he is. clinging onto him both physically, and to their bond, fearing that it'll all slip from his fingers if he lets go. the whispers still pluck at those anxieties, and he tries his hardest to ignore them, but he just can't.

however... maybe if he...

lifting his head up, he huffs out a soft breath]

Forgive my forwardness.

[leaning close, and holding their hands to his chest, Dohalim presses his lips against Zhongli's in a hope that he'll silence those whispers. in hopes that he can convince himself that this is okay, in hopes that he can believe Zhongli's words. he's selfish, he knows he is, for wanting this, for wanting all of the deity, but... he needs him]

Of course I'll stay.

[the words are a murmur that picks up just moments after Dohalim finishes his first statement, that smile shifting just a little to hear them. how he clings doesn't bother Zhongli at all, and then... and then he lifts his head and speaks again.

the kiss may be a little clumsy, but that's fine. the deity is hardly used to them either, though he leans into it easily. his hands are held and so he can't pull him closer, but he can press himself in more, tongue brushing the Renan's lips in some soft encouragement. forward... maybe it is, but he's been waiting for it since Dohalim started talking.]

[it's so wrong... it's so wrong to want Zhongli like this after what he'd done, but as he feels that tongue against his lips, Dohalim can't help but part them slightly to let his own meet with the other's. it's wrong, but... it's okay, too. it has to be. he hadn't forced himself onto Zhongli, this time... right? the deity's reaction is different, this time; he's willing to show this affection back, so it it's alright...

it has to be.

he can taste the tea on his tongue, slightly sweet, but robust in its flavour. or is that how Zhongli tastes? Dohalim isn't sure. but he leans in more to deepen that kiss, to want to taste more of him, to see if he truly does taste like that tea, or if he tastes differently. his hands let go of Zhongli's, sliding up to rest on his shoulders. when he does pull away for a breath, it's brief before he leans in again, half open amber watching him for any sign that the man doesn't want this]

[Zhongli exhales a soft, pleasant sigh as Dohalim's lips part, tongue tangling with the redhead's easily. it's wrong, true... this is something they should have gradually realised, slowly drawn into. still, it's fine. he's glad, too. more than he thought he should be.

as Dohalim leans in and lets go of his hands, the deity's hands move to slide around his waist. he looks... pretty, Zhongli thinks. soft and warm and happy in some measure. the sweetness of tea and the faint sweet and saltiness of his saliva. interesting, he thinks, one feeding into the other until he can't tell what's what anymore. that's alright too, though.

a hand slides down to curl around his hips then, urging him forward and up, into his lap. this is nice, just giving themselves short breaths between each kiss. at least it's hard to think he's anything but perfectly enthusiastic in this.]

[there's a small sound that escapes Dohalim when Zhongli moves him, but he goes easily, even though he lands unceremoniously in his lap. his thighs straddle the other's; the movement doesn't get him to break the kiss, but in fact, gets him to deepen it as much as he can. Dohalim's hands are on his shoulders for a brief moment, before they continue their path, sliding back to bury into Zhongli's hair. unlike before, however, his fingers are more gentle, lightly grasping at the ends of soft locks not tucked into his ponytail.

it's another breath that he needs to catch when he breaks the kiss again, lightly panting against Zhongli's lips. he takes a longer pause this time, trying to get his head on straight and remind himself to slow down.

at least the whispers had quieted down, for the time being]

We should finish our tea...

[though, not really on his list of priorities at the moment, as he leans in for more kisses. perhaps tea can wait. he'd rather taste it on Zhongli's tongue, anyway. while he's content with doing just this, Dohalim does have to wonder if the deity plans on doing anything else... one doesn't simply pull someone onto their lap and leave it at that, from his understanding, at least]

[he looks good like this, too. panting lightly and cheeks a little flushed, eyes warm with interest, so he thinks.

as Dohalim speaks, then leans right in for more, Zhongli can't help but laugh.]

You don't seem that interested...

[not that he minds. his kisses are still sweet, hungry but restrained. as to more... well, he hasn't thought through that either. he just wanted to make it clear that he's interested, that this isn't just one-sided or obligatory. pulling away enough to nip at the man's lower lip, he exhales a breathy sigh.]

Are you satisfied for now, my Lord? Shall we pick this up later?

[it might be a little cheeky, almost cruel... but really, he does it to give Dohalim something to look forward to. to remind him that this is something he wants to continue.]

[tea does seem less interesting than what they're doing at the moment, and really, he'd only asked if the deity wanted to partake in it as a means to have him close. is he satisfied? that's a question... he's satisfied with this outcome, yes, but... there's a need for more that grows. perhaps he really is selfish...]

Perhaps we should...

[it's an offer that Dohalim would love to take up on. but the uncertainty of later, of if he'll slip back into that abyss where the whispers can easily take over again, does he want to wait until later? or is he just overthinking it?

...later. he should wait until later. for now he leans the side of his head onto Zhongli's shoulder, gently pressing his face into the crook of his neck]

Would I be able to stay here like this for a moment? I don't want to move.

[warm hands trace idle patterns along the base of Dohalim's spine, a soft smile crossing his lips as the younger man settles in to press his face into the crook of his neck. it feels good, he thinks...]

Of course. As long as you like... I have to admit you're rather cute like this.

[his tone is ever resonant, and it's easy to shift his head a little to press his cheek gently against the top of the Renan's head. if he slips back into that abyss... that's alright. Zhongli can weather it, he knows. there'll be less anger, he suspects, even if there's no end of doubts for it to latch onto.]

Cute...

[there are a lot of things he thinks he is, and there are a lot of things he's heard his court say about him, but cute, he hasn't heard. it's almost... too innocent, for someone like him, to be called cute in such a way.

but it doesn't get him to move off the deity. no, instead, it only gets Dohalim to tuck his face in more, feeling the Zhongli's pulse against him. like the earth's pulse... but it's to be expected, coming from the earth deity. it's soothing, to feel it, and Dohalim is sure that if he were to focus on it, he can feel the resonance of the ground under their feet, with the resonance of their bond, to that very same pulse. he's sure he can even feel it in his master core... it's so simple, this... heartbeat, but it does incredible things to keep him calm, for the moment.

though, he should move, in case someone were to walk in on them. of course, Dohalim doesn't do anything about it]

I... Sincerely doubt I am cute.

[his laugh, in this moment, is warm and rich. true in the most simple way, as he relaxes into the warm weight of someone else so close. how long has it been? maybe he's needed this more than he realised.]

I do believe that's not your choice to make. [his voice is a soft purr, just a touch mischievous.] In any case, I like it.

[he doesn't honestly care if someone walks in on them. if they have a problem with it, they can take it up with him or Dohalim... but he does understand the reality of the decorum in it all. hopefully no one does.]

[Dohalim frowns slightly, pressing his face in even more and practically huffing out a sigh. of all the things to say... and things that he didn't expect was for Zhongli to call him that, much less double down on it. but his laugh... it's just as soothing, just as warm. like a small light in this darkness... maybe he can get used to this. maybe he can allow himself soft, intimate moments like this.

however, should someone walk in on them, that would be another story. Dohalim is surprised that rumours about the both of them haven't spread like wildfire in the palace, yet, but it's only a matter of time. Dohalim should try to mitigate some of them, honestly. and yet, all he can do is slide his arms around Zhongli's shoulders, clinging onto him just a little more, just a little tighter. it's strange, just how mere moments ago, he'd craved this sort of warmth and attention to, first and foremost, push the corruption away for a beat. now...]

Will you stay with me for the rest of the day?

[he has work to do, still, and he's sure that the other does as well, but. a big part of him just wants to tuck away in his chambers. it's irresponsible, sure, but perhaps it may be a good idea to take a break. just to reset, and banish those dark thoughts nipping at him]

[Zhongli moves on instinct, really, pressing his lips to the side of Dohalim's face when he shifts his arms, clings a little more. it's all in the name of reassurance and comfort - for both of them, really.

his question earns a soft hum of affirmation, and a hand reaches up to brush fluffy red hair out of Dohalim's face.]

Of course. You could probably use the rest, and I'm happy to be here.

[what happens later... that's for later, really. for now, he just wants to be there. wants to let the man rest, without pain or fear.]

Rest... It's the middle of the day.

[and yet, the idea of just... turning off for a moment sounds appealing. Dohalim is never usually one for a nap, or an extended break, not when he has so much to do. perhaps, he could put some of the less prioritised things on his list aside to tackle at a later date and time, but at the same time, like the workaholic that he is, the idea of doing so makes him nervous. the quietness between them only serves to remind Dohalim just how exhausted he is. rest, in the middle of the day, is a true luxury that he's not sure he can afford.

but rest, especially in Zhongli's embrace... it's too comfortable to move, right now. it's warm, it's soothing, and moving is a prospect he isn't looking forward to when he finally has to face it]

But would it really be alright...

[a gentle inquiry, in all honesty. he doesn't stop himself from settling in the deity's arms further, sighing softly at the gentle touches, at the sound of Zhongli's even breathing]

Indeed, it is.

[there's no attempt at moving, even as he confirms Dohalim's thoughts. after all, it really doesn't matter, does it?]

You're Elde Menancia's precious Lord, Dohalim. Of course it would be alright. I doubt any of them would be happy if you worked yourself sick... let alone my own disappointment at the very idea of such.

[his fingers knead at weary muscles just where they're settled, not entirely intending to change his mind but just because he's comfortable enough that it feels right to do. getting him back to his room sooner than later would be best, too.]

[Dohalim huffs out a soft laugh, shifting as he makes himself even more comfortable in Zhongli's lap. the fingers kneading at him really don't help his argument any as he relaxes under them. not that said argument held much water to begin with]

Menancia's precious lord... It's too high a pedestal for someone like me.

[if the realm knew what was happening behind closed doors, what was happening to him, would their opinions change? would the citizens who stand on his side revolt against him? would they fear him like he was a tyrant, view him like any other Renan?

he has so much pride for this realm, and for the people who uphold the ideals of coexistence. though, those ideals born from a selfish desire to silence thoughts and memories... what would they say to that?]

There is still so much to do before I can turn in for the day. There is always so much to do.

[that reminder alone gets Dohalim to lift his head, and push himself up slightly. the weariness in his bones and muscles are still so prominent, but he can probably ignore it. it was foolish of him to think he could rest so early in the day. even if he desperately wants it]

Rest is an indulgence reserved for those who deserve it, or those who selfishly take it.

You may think so, but rift now, you're what they want... and what they need.

[He continues his motions as long as it's viable, watching quietly as Dohalim begins to talk himself out of it. It's easy, he supposes, when you think you're some kind of monster...]

There is always much to do, and that will remain true of tomorrow as it is today.

[Zhongli doesn't give Dohalim's movements, but neither does he encourage him to get up. Weariness shows so plain to him, and it's a miracle he Renan hasn't gotten sick by now.]

You wouldn't allow your workers to continue working under your current exhaustion, would you? Do you think they deserve for you to overwork yourself for something they never asked for? Your ability to make judgments will only become more impaired if you ignore your body. Even your connection to the healing artes and the earth's energy will avail you nothing, then. You would leave them without a decision-making body for far longer than a scant few hours.

If you're worried, you could always assemble the people and survey their thoughts.

If I were to do so, I feel like I would get nothing but biased answers. I cannot shirk my duties. I have already put too much aside due to all that has happened recently.

[it's reluctance that gets Dohalim to move slowly, but he does eventually does stand. A soft sigh slips from his lips as he brushes a lock of hair from Zhongli's face, before gently cupping the side of his face]

I appreciate this brief pause in our busy schedules. But I must...

[his shoulders slump slightly, his usually perfect posture reflects that weariness. It seems like he's noticed as he straightens his back, pulling his hand away to reach up, crossing his arm over his chest and resting his hand on his shoulder. A habit of his, when he tries to close himself off]

I would still like you to stay by me, but... I cannot afford rest.

[Zhongli gives a faintly discontented noise, even as he leans into the brush of a hand against his face, cupping it gently. He doesn't need the comfort like Dohalim does, but it's... reassuring.]

... can you afford to collapse? [Exhaling a sigh, he shifts to rise in turn. Hands move to deftly return their tea cups to the tray they arrived on, each clinking softly.] I will have to stay close to your side then, lest your exhaustion settle too deep.

[He clearly doesn't mind that, reaching to place a hand over Dohalim's arm.]

You hold yourself to standards far too unreasonable, I hope you know.

[Dohalim nods as he glances at the teacups and pot on the tray. on one hand, what a waste of a fine tea, but on the other hand... he glances back up at Zhongli, letting out a sigh at his observation]

Perhaps I do. But what I do, the work I put in... It is not for me or the Dahnans alone. It...

[Dohalim falls silent for a moment, considering his words. should he tell Zhongli... well, it wouldn't be a surprise, at this point. not after the deaths he's caused. looking down at Zhongli's hand on his arm, he closes his eyes for a brief moment, letting out another sigh. even the touch alone is warm...]

I've killed a dear friend for this position. For something I didn't even want. To shirk my duties would be an insult to him, and to our other friends. My former friends.

[while there was an unamicable parting of ways, Dohalim still cares for them. he still thinks about them. perhaps that may be another fault of his, something he just can't let go of]

[in many ways, it seems such a... small thing, to Zhongli. He always has to remember what ephemeral things they are, mortals. Their lifespans are like fog upon a clear lake, substantial for a time but gone in a blink.

Still, he does sympathize. Of course he does...]

... if it was a case of them or you, then I can hardly begrudge you wanting to live, even if it meant a position you never wanted. [His gaze slips aside to watch the flowers as the shift in the breeze, the warmth of the day bringing a juxtaposition of cheer against the conversation.] life is precious... but I believe I have said before that my bias makes me something of a poor judge.

Sometimes, the only way to move forward is by taking the steps we fear the most. Your friend... I doubt they would want to see you like this. Of course, I can't speak for Renans or your circumstances, but my experience has always been that the... memory is enough, alongside promises kept.

[It's not a subject he wants to linger on for too long personally, though he does wonder if speaking of his own past would help Dohalim in some way. Well... later, perhaps.]

I wish... I could believe the sentimentality behind your words.

[in all honesty, Dohalim has to wonder if Tarnigen would remember him, if the tables were turned in his favour, if the circumstances were switched. he'd wanted this position so badly, but Dohalim knew that they would be competing with each other... Tarnigen excelled in the aptitude tests, but when it came to combat... they had been fierce competitors against each other that Dohalim is sure their duel had been one of the more intense ones, if not entertaining for the Renans who did watch.

his hand lifts from his shoulder to his eyes, rubbing at them with a finger and thumb as he sighs heavily. the past is the past, he supposes, even though he clings to it as penance for the crime he'd committed.

he looks at the cart with the tea and snacks, before reaching over to pick up one of the small sweets and taking a bite out of it]

I do hate to waste all of this...

It's simply how I've seen it.

[he wants to offer him more reassurance, but doesn't know what will help, really. so it's all he can do to just watch him from his place, biting back a sigh at the heavy atmosphere. when had that gotten so exhausting for him?]

... You could always have the servants wrap the treats up for you for later. Were you more amenable to rest, I would suggest bringing them with us now.

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