eggbowl | In my blood...

Not yet...

[but how much longer does he have? how much longer can he keep his own mind before the corruption takes over completely? the near loss of his own mind and control is enough to fuel more of that panic, which only makes him tremble more. he tries to focus on healing Zhongli, but even then, that starts to waver.

but as the deity keeps talking, his deep, smooth voice starts to soothe him. he doesn't understand why Zhongli wants to help him so much. he doesn't understand how the deity, who should be angry at him than anything, who should shun him away from doing something so unspeakable, can be so kind to him, still. it hurts his heart knowing that he'll keep hurting Zhongli if this keeps going, if they let this keep going.

and yet, as he tentatively reaches out to their bond, he searches for that warmth, to let it engulf him. it's selfish... selfish to want it, especially after... but...

he keeps casting healing artes, to give himself something to focus on. even once Zhongli's injuries are completely healed, Dohalim keeps casting, not knowing what else to do. he feels so lost right now; he's spiraling, and he isn't sure how to pull himself out of it. at least with healing Zhongli, that's something he can control. the uncertainty of when the corruption will take hold again shakes him so deeply, it terrifies him, and even with their contract, Dohalim is scared that he'll break it and hurt someone else. but that contract, that bond, he clings to it as soon as he takes hold, letting the warmth surround him]

Please... Please don't let it claim me...

[most of it, Zhongli has no choice but to let Dohalim with through himself. He can only be here, solid and warm, as a beacon of truth and the fact that Dohalim isn't alone. Even now, in the wake of everything...

As his body mends and those spells continue, he reaches for Dohalim's hands to pull them away. His own hands cover them, drawn together to warm.]

I will not allow it. [lifting his hands, he places them to his chest, to give him something to focus on. Zhongli's heartbeat is steady, as resonant as their bond.] I promised, didn't I? You will not lose me. There are many things it appears I missed, but... you needn't worry about that. I believe I understand a little more, now.

[Dohalim focuses on the gentle beat of resonance in their bond, as well as the subtle heartbeat in Zhongli's chest. like the pulse of the earth beneath his feet whenever he's outside the walls of Viscint. the familiar feeling soothes him as he starts to relax, hunched shoulders slumping as he leans heavily against the other. he doesn't look up just yet, his eyes shut as he tries to even out his breathing. hands twist to clasp around Zhongli's, the tremble in his fingers still apparent. he's still terrified. scared of what he might do. scared for the deity, scared if the corruption within himself will taint their bond completely... he's already had to try to keep it at bay enough that it didn't completely tangle itself to their connection, but how much longer would he be able to keep it away?

he casts another healing arte. he's not sure if Zhongli's wounds are completely healed or not, but he wants to make sure. is he expending more energy than he should? probably. but this is the least he could do. whatever physical injuries Zhongli had sustained were by his hand, so he has to fix it. at least he has the ability to do so. though... using so much of it in such a small span of time, with high emotions running rampant in his mind, Dohalim does get a little lightheaded, but he presses on]

What do you understand?

[the question is a genuinely curious one, with no condescending malice behind it]

[Zhongli gives a squeeze to the other's shoulders as that healing energy continues to wash over him, a reminder to stop. to tell him that he's fine, really. he can't stand watching him in this panic, pressing on despite any exhaustion he must feel.]

Ah... just... more of what you require. [one arm rises to cradle Dohalim's body against his own.] I regret to say I hadn't realised how much of an effect it was having on you, in the times when I was gone. After all, I promised not to leave you alone, didn't I?

[even for the sake of chasing a lead, he shouldn't have been gone so long. he should have realised sooner that Dohalim was fighting so hard against his own mind, against the part of him that wanted cruelty and violence. as he leans in, the deity allows himself to press his lips faintly to the crown of the other man's head.]

I doubt my understanding is perfect by any means, but... I do hope to offer you more, moving forward.

You offer enough. More than, if I may be honest.

[and yet, he continues to take more of it. he continues to demand of it. Zhongli had only been away for a handful of hours; if he can't stand being away from him for a period of time, then he may as well take away all autonomy the deity has. and that isn't fair. none of this is fair. but he can't help but want to keep him close, no matter what... the idea of being separated from Zhongli makes his heart pound in his chest as coldness spreads from the pit of his stomach throughout his body. he can feel the corruption want to pick at that anxiety; despite his exhaustion, he tries to push it down. he's already put Zhongli through enough to last him a lifetime, probably, he doesn't need to again.

so he concentrates on putting out another arte, despite the squeeze of his shoulders. the kiss at the top of his head does give him pause for just a moment, confused at the gentle gesture. he can feel a slight flush on his face, but he perishes the thought quickly. he continues on, healing Zhongli. to maybe put at ease some of this guilt...]

... Dohalim.

[there's a soft sigh there, and Zhongli shifts to lean back. the expression he levels on the Renan is full of concern.]

I'm fine. I don't hurt anymore. You're going to harm yourself... I don't want to see you hurt. [it's... slow. agonisingly slow, as something chips away at the veil of earth always covering his emotions. even now, Zhongli can barely grasp the finer details of his own thoughts regarding the other man.] ... Look at me... if you would. Just for a moment.

[he doesn't know if it will help. he doesn't know if he's misread something, either, or if it won't cause more problems than it solves. still, within his own tumultuous heart, maybe it's worth it. for once, maybe if he relaxes just a little of his stern distance...]

[Dohalim considers it for a moment, as he keeps casting. does he deserve to look at Zhongli in the eye? he doesn't think so. he's trapped in a loop of guilt, this much he knows, but he doesn't even try to break free from it. though the corruption is ever present now, it doesn't do much except softly pluck at that guilt, serving more as a reminder that it's there, than acting upon it.

but he does will himself to look up, the indigo of the so called bright eyes fading back into amber, truly revealing more raw feelings. eyes are half lidded, slightly unfocused from heavy emotions and exhaustion, tired eyelids fluttering closed as he lets himself sink into it. perhaps he'd just noticed now, but he's just so tired, but then again, hasn't he always been?]

I just... Want to make sure...

[there's a slight tremble in his voice as he falls into that exhaustion, slumping in Zhongli's arm. perhaps... he'd pushed himself too much, but still... that tremble makes its way to his very bones, burrowing deep into them, and soon, he's shaking like a quivering leaf threatening to fall from a tree branch]

I've hurt you... I wanted to make sure I fixed it...

I know. [His voice is soft, gentle. With Dohalim looking up, Zhongli can lean in, fingers sliding along his jaw to cradle his face.] It's how you are, after all.

[murmuring those words, he presses his lips to Dohalim's, nothing at all like anything earlier. Warm and soft, full of emotion.]

You would give up all of yourself to help others, and I... selfishly, I don't want to see that. [His words ghost across the Renan's lips, mouth barely pulled far enough to speak them. They're just the surface, scraped clean off the covering of earth and debris, but they're a start.] I don't want to watch, helplessly, while you fall into despair you don't deserve. I'll stay close, as long as you need. Even when you have to give in for a time, nothing that happens will change that.

[even in his exhaustion, it's hard to ignore that kiss, so soft and delicate in and of itself, yet so full of emotion. emotion Zhongli should not have for someone who'd hurt him so; Dohalim's own feelings and emotions bubble and well up inside him. he's... not sure what those feelings are, but they're just as warm as the arm around him, as warm as the golden gaze on him. he doesn't know where they stem from; surely he doesn't have feelings for the deity, right? if he did, he would have tried harder to keep himself from hurting him, and yet...]

Why...

[fingers slip between their lips as Dohalim brushes them against his own, as if to feel the lingering warmth on them, before letting his hand drop. if and when he gives into the corruption... he doesn't want Zhongli around for that. he doesn't want the deity to have to go through that again, over and over. Dohalim doesn't want to sit in the back seat as he tries to claw his way back up to the surface. he doesn't want to sit and watch and feel himself hurting this person. Zhongli may have accepted it as something that may happen again in the future, but Dohalim...

perhaps he'd misinterpreted, when they forged their contract. he thought he was the one who would be held close on a leash, but it turns out, he's the one holding it. he's not sure he likes it. to be the one in control of Zhongli's freedom, or lack thereof... and yet, he wants to tighten his hold on it, to pull the deity close to him, to make sure he doesn't leave his sights. he doesn't want to be, but he can't help but... want to keep him close, with possessive need]

I don't... Want to hurt you again.

Why? I have no reasonable answer for that. Why does a seed choose to endure the harshest clime? Why do beautiful, pure rocks form only under the most unlikely circumstances?

[He does this simply because it's how he feels, after all. Because he could never stand idly by while the world wore Dohalim down... it should have dawned on him earlier, truthfully. When he'd created that contract so easily, signing himself away to his man's side...

The Renan speaks of not wanting to hurt him, and the deity smiles faintly. His to explain... well, it'll make sense or it won't.]

You haven't hurt me, Dohalim. Not truly. [another kiss, and he urges the man to sprawl onto the bed with him. The mess has largely settled, and there's a faintly unpleasant feeling clinging to his thigh, but he can bathe later.] Rather... if it was something I truly didn't want, I would have stopped it. I didn't... dislike the pain, not really.

[is that true? In retrospect, he thinks so. He'd been overwhelmed by it all, and it certainly hadn't been painless, but... hadn't he enjoyed it? The stain on the edge of the blanket speaks to that, and the fact that he's so close now, wanting to feel the Renan nearby even more is... well, undeniable.]

It's alright if you're afraid of it still. I accept it, as it's still a part of you. Is that amenable?

[He'll have to work slowly, true, but... he doesn't think the corruption is so deeply intwined in Dohalim after all. He thinks... just maybe, the man is a little selfish, a little possessive, and he can't yet separate the difference between feelings that make him feel guilty and the slow twist of something sinister. Eventually, that will shift a little more, and he already knows this isn't healthy, but Zhongli... can't bring himself to care.

It doesn't help matters that it seems the poor man hasn't been shown much in the way of true kindness.]

[while he doesn't show it, every kiss incites just a little bit of panic in him. panic over feelings and emotions that should not be there in light of everything that had transpired. panic over things that have not yet happened, of things that have a real possibility of happening. panic over the fact that he wanted to cause pain, that he wanted to push the deity to the brink of death. panic over the fact that Dohalim could easily succumb to the corruption, to that darkness and madness in him, and Zhongli would be at the epicentre for when he does.

but every kiss only gets Dohalim to want more of them. he wants that warmth, he wants that comfort, that kindness. he wants to feel wanted, despite his future, despite the pain he can bring, despite what he could do to Zhongli again. what he undeniably will do. he wants that closeness, to forget for a moment that he's losing himself slowly.

he doesn't resist when Zhongli pulls him down onto his bed, but instead curls up into him, face buried into his chest. he's so warm... how could someone with such warmth want to help? how could someone with such warmth risk themselves to do so? how could someone with such warmth accept all of this so easily? how could someone with such warmth want to share it with him?

perhaps it's selfish to take it, but Dohalim so desperately wants to. it's not something he'd willing to let himself have; he had his friends in Lenegis, but... the warmth he received from that was so short lived, it seemed, especially after... he supposes the darkness had started to fester before that, though. just laying in wake, waiting for the moment to strike, but the warmth... there was some, when he was with them. when things were better, when the four of them could lose themselves in their music]

I am sure that... Even if I say no, you would not accept that. The corruption... It's not only it I fear, but what I could do to you, too. I wanted... I wanted to see how close to the brink of death I could push you towards. I wanted to keep squeezing your neck until all breath ceased. I wanted to hurt you. Do you not see that...?

Of course I see it.

[as always, Zhongli chooses not to shy away from the facts, the reality of it all. while there's quite the number of secrets he kept - and continues to keep, for now - he doesn't like lying. and moreover, Dohalim doesn't need it. he deserves comfort and understanding, yes, but not to the point of delusion.

like this, this acceptance. he can put it all in his actions, dismissing the idea that it'll change anything without dismissing the possibility that something would happen. that's more than just getting lost in the depths of everything, he thinks.]

I would have been fine, even had you continued. And had you lost control to the point that my life was in danger... well, I would have stopped you. You need only trust me that I have enough power for that - and no matter how deep the corruption goes, I will be fine. We will be fine. There is... much that I don't have the words for, but this much I am certain of.

[his arms slip around Dohalim's waist, keeping him close. it's such a comforting place for him, too - giving all of the things he would have given that other side, if he'd simply asked. but if this is their back and forth, that's fine too. he can handle that.]

I don't intend to let myself become something you could ever regret.

We...

[since when have they become "we"? since they forged their contract with each other? or had it been before that? Zhongli was a man shrouded in mystery ever since he'd arrived in Dohalim's court, and even before that, he isn't sure if he'd walked among Viscint's citizens. perhaps, then, he had denied whatever attachments he had for Zhongli, both in part of Kelzalik's warnings of getting close to a stranger, and their social standing.

both regrets, now that he thinks about it.

but feeling the strong arm around him pull him close, Dohalim sinks into it, and into the idea of "we". the idea of the both of them... could he allow himself such a thing? he still doesn't understand why the deity would want to...

Dohalim pulls his head back to glance up at Zhongli. eyes still tired, halflidded, but more present than they have been for... well the last few days, really. in them, no madness, no corruption behind soft amber, just... Dohalim]

[it's a relief to see it, honestly. Zhongli's smile is small, as it always is, somehow mysterious despite everything. for now... for now, this is fine.]

Rest, for now. We can speak in the morning... and... take care of the rest of this as well.

[the mess in particular, and the inevitable need they'll have for a bath after it. and if he's honest, even if Dohalim hadn't practically exhausted himself, Zhongli would like to rest after all that. the pain may be gone, but it doesn't change the exertion.]

[rest and sleep is something else Dohalim is worried about, more for the nightmares that would no doubt plague him, as well as the worry that he'll wake up without Zhongli in his bed with him. it's a worry that he tries to push down, a tentative arm coming up to wrap itself around Zhongli's waist, mirroring him, to help tuck the thoughts away. he had said he won't leave. Dohalim just... has to trust him on that.

the days following have been... better than they have been. not one hundred percent, and there are still moments where Dohalim has to take pause, as those whispers are heard in the back of his head, reaching for him in an unending bid to snatch him back into the darkness. some moments are harder than others, but not hard enough that he warrants a need for Zhongli's help. instead, he would throw himself into his work, working on the state of affairs of Viscint and the rest of Elde Menancia. the mundanity helps, at least.

but when there's that slip that he can't seem to get himself out of, that's when he seeks the other man's help. a façade to hide how he truly is feeling, to keep up appearances around those who don't know what lies in the deep. there's the slightest hint of a tremble in his voice, but he manages to hide most of what he's feeling. to Zhongli, however, he can probably feel that tug in their bond, one that only pulls harder when Dohalim sees him. but even then, he doesn't ask for help, outright. not in public, not when there are others who can hear him]

Would you... Join me for tea?

[a small request, one that seems inconsequential to anyone would be eavesdropping. but Dohalim hopes Zhongli catches the hint]

[it's easier, somehow, staying closer to Dohalim. limiting in some ways, since he can't follow up on the information he's found personally... but there'll be time for all of that. for now, Zhongli just keeps himself nearby, helping with little things where he can. making adjustments to Elde Menancia is something he's surprisingly adept at, as well - well, surprising to those other than Dohalim, perhaps. as the god of commerce and contracts, he has quite the advantage, all things considered.

still, there's the sudden request the young man gives, one that seems so innocuous as to mean nothing really.]

Of course. Shall we take a walk to find a comfortable spot, or did you have one in mind?

[closing the book he'd been notating things in, he sets it aside and turns his attention to the Renan fully.]

[it's a moment of absentmindedness that's the cause of Dohalim's pause in answering straight away, eyes falling on the book in Zhongli's hands. there's a hint of curiosity in his eyes before he shakes his head slightly and bringing his gaze up at the other's]

...My private garden. No one will disturb us there.

[while the two bigger gardens in the palace are a sight to behold, and are both a source of Dohalim's pride, even then does he need a space where he can be alone. it's not like he can sneak away from the palace all of the time, especially during the day when the guards can see him in plain sight. and with his need to be closer to Zhongli, it's not much of a viable option, these days.

before he leads the deity to said gardens, he reaches out to gently place his hand on Zhongli's arm, letting out a soft sigh at the contact. the tremble is a little more apparent in his hand, as if trying to keep himself together]

However... If you would like to go somewhere else...

[there's something, he thinks, to the way Dohalim says that. a place where they won't be disturbed could mean a few things, linked in measure. the base of it, Zhongli's sure he knows, but beyond that...

the deity brushes his fingers along Dohalim's hand in a gentle, reassuring motion. it's easy to hide but equally easy to feel.]

No, the garden sounds perfect for a tea break. The day is quite pleasant as well, I imagine the fresh air will do us both good.

[as to getting the tea... well, that's a simple enough task to pick up on their way out, isn't it? it'll be good, he thinks, for the Renan to get a little free time from his guards too. they do seem to place a fair amount of trust in Zhongli himself, especially now after he's begun assisting with the reformation efforts in earnest.]

[Dohalim's bid for privacy has no ulterior implications, at least he doesn't think so. he just wants to be away from the public view in the event he falls apart again. even though the slip is small, it can still be a slippery slope, and his descent into madness is something he doesn't want the city to experience again. not when its citizens are trying their very best to pick themselves back up. they don't need to see that horror again.

though, he is surprised by the level of support he still has from those who were on his side of coexistence. the small, but genuine smiles they still offer him as they pass him by in the hallways are indicative of that.

the hand placed over his provides a small comfort as Dohalim sighs again, before tilting his head to the side]

Shall we, then?

[he doesn't wait for an answer as he steps back, letting his hand fall away from Zhongli's arm. there's a reluctance there, not ready to separate himself from the deity just yet, but if anyone were to see them... not that his servants or anyone in his court would say anything about it, but still. it would be unbecoming to show such affection...

he trusts Zhongli to follow him down the hallways; he walks in silence, but close to the other to gently brush his hand against his, to remind himself that Zhongli is, indeed, still with him. there's a slight fog in his mind, but it's easily ignorable enough to ask a passing servant to have some tea and snacks delivered to his garden. it's with practiced ease that he can sound level headed enough for just that.

however, it's when they find themselves in the garden tucked away in the back of the palace, and away from the view of others for the time being, does Dohalim turn his attention back on Zhongli again, stepping forward to grasp his upper arm, and resting his forehead against his shoulder. another sigh, heavier this time, as he tries to push that corruption away again]

Of course. Lead the way, my lord.

[Zhongli falls into the faint politeness with similarly practiced ease, and when Dohalim starts to lead, he does keep quite close; as often as the Renan needs, he can reach out and touch him at any time on their walk.

it's a quick enough thing, coming to the garden. quiet and out of the way, with all the same trappings of warm earth as the larger public ones... just... private, of course. private enough that Dohalim steps forward and Zhongli pauses more out of curiosity than anything, staying easily still as the other man's forehead comes to rest against his shoulder.]

... It's loud again, then? [his voice is soft and sympathetic as Zhongli shifts, intending to lead Dohalim to sit down. it'll be easier to comfort him from that position, to offer more of his presence. from there, in fact, he can slip his arms around the redhead's waist, as warm and persistent as their bond.]

Loud enough that I need you.

[not nearly as bad as it was the last time, but loud enough that Dohalim has to take Zhongli's offer up for help. thankfully not loud enough, or imposing enough to violently pull at their bond, to try to taint it again. but the arms around his waist, and the warmth from Zhongli's body is nearly enough to silence the whispers, for the time being. he knows he has limited time before a servant comes by with tea, but for now, he'll sit in this comfort.

his own arms wrap around the other, hands gently tangling themselves in Zhongli's hair. silky smooth around his fingers, it provides another small comfort]

I had thought I would be able to ignore it, but...

[Dohalim shakes his head again, head on Zhongli's shoulder again. it's still an adjustment, trying to get used to this intrusion in his mind, and the comfort sought of this man. but at least he did, at least Zhongli is here]

It truly did want its presence to be known.

[Zhongli exhales an understanding hum, allowing himself to just be there. his fingers trace idle circles over Dohalim's waist, firm enough to be felt in its gentle soothing motions.]

You needn't try to suffer through it, you know...

[tilting his head a little, the deity presses his lips to Dohalim's forehead and squeezes gently where he holds him. it's so much to deal with alone, after all...]

Do you want to talk about it? That may help to settle things a little. I won't judge you for any of it, you realise.

I am... Unsure what I could talk about. The whispers themselves are undiscernible at best, most of the time.

[like right now. he just knows the presence of the corruption, and the general feeling of dread hanging over his head, but... nothing specific. at least, not right now. not like before. the whispers aren't saying truly heinous things to him, aren't picking apart his anxieties, this time]

Though, I suppose I... Hm. The last time, they were particularly vicious about being left alone. That I would always be alone.

[Dohalim's eyes squeeze shut as he quickly pushes those thoughts away before that taint can cling to it and exacerbate it]

I think I came to you just in time for it to run rampant, this time. But the whispers are still there. Even in your warmth...

That is fine. I'm here to listen regardless.

[as he speaks of the last time, Zhongli listens quietly and attentively, reaching to brush the back of his fingers along the redhead's cheek as his eyes squeeze shut.]

... It's hard to change how you feel, when it's gone unchallenged for so long. I don't expect it to change too quickly, but I hope that over time it will start to ease. That... may not be as reassuring as you'd like, of course. For that, I'm sorry.

Time...

[it seems that time is the balm to all of this... but Dohalim has to wonder just how much of it he realistically has. does he have an entire lifetime? or does he have until tomorrow? he doesn't like the uncertainty of waiting for the preventable or inevitable]

I do have to wonder if it's on our side, or if we're just working against it.

[the hand on his face is soothing, but it doesn't completely quell the brewing storm in him. it's exhausting, having this loom over his head]

I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't have a desire for death, still. Less so now, but... Perhaps the corruption is to blame. Or maybe...

[his thoughts are jumbled as he tries to voice them. but before he can finish his train of thought, there's a soft knock on the door, before it opens, letting the servant wheel in a cart with their tea, as well as some biscuits and sweets for them.

as soon as that door does open, Dohalim quickly pushes himself up off Zhongli, sitting up straight. the façade is back up, offering a polite smile as the table is set]

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