eggbowl | In my blood...

Of course I see it.

[as always, Zhongli chooses not to shy away from the facts, the reality of it all. while there's quite the number of secrets he kept - and continues to keep, for now - he doesn't like lying. and moreover, Dohalim doesn't need it. he deserves comfort and understanding, yes, but not to the point of delusion.

like this, this acceptance. he can put it all in his actions, dismissing the idea that it'll change anything without dismissing the possibility that something would happen. that's more than just getting lost in the depths of everything, he thinks.]

I would have been fine, even had you continued. And had you lost control to the point that my life was in danger... well, I would have stopped you. You need only trust me that I have enough power for that - and no matter how deep the corruption goes, I will be fine. We will be fine. There is... much that I don't have the words for, but this much I am certain of.

[his arms slip around Dohalim's waist, keeping him close. it's such a comforting place for him, too - giving all of the things he would have given that other side, if he'd simply asked. but if this is their back and forth, that's fine too. he can handle that.]

I don't intend to let myself become something you could ever regret.

We...

[since when have they become "we"? since they forged their contract with each other? or had it been before that? Zhongli was a man shrouded in mystery ever since he'd arrived in Dohalim's court, and even before that, he isn't sure if he'd walked among Viscint's citizens. perhaps, then, he had denied whatever attachments he had for Zhongli, both in part of Kelzalik's warnings of getting close to a stranger, and their social standing.

both regrets, now that he thinks about it.

but feeling the strong arm around him pull him close, Dohalim sinks into it, and into the idea of "we". the idea of the both of them... could he allow himself such a thing? he still doesn't understand why the deity would want to...

Dohalim pulls his head back to glance up at Zhongli. eyes still tired, halflidded, but more present than they have been for... well the last few days, really. in them, no madness, no corruption behind soft amber, just... Dohalim]

[it's a relief to see it, honestly. Zhongli's smile is small, as it always is, somehow mysterious despite everything. for now... for now, this is fine.]

Rest, for now. We can speak in the morning... and... take care of the rest of this as well.

[the mess in particular, and the inevitable need they'll have for a bath after it. and if he's honest, even if Dohalim hadn't practically exhausted himself, Zhongli would like to rest after all that. the pain may be gone, but it doesn't change the exertion.]

[rest and sleep is something else Dohalim is worried about, more for the nightmares that would no doubt plague him, as well as the worry that he'll wake up without Zhongli in his bed with him. it's a worry that he tries to push down, a tentative arm coming up to wrap itself around Zhongli's waist, mirroring him, to help tuck the thoughts away. he had said he won't leave. Dohalim just... has to trust him on that.

the days following have been... better than they have been. not one hundred percent, and there are still moments where Dohalim has to take pause, as those whispers are heard in the back of his head, reaching for him in an unending bid to snatch him back into the darkness. some moments are harder than others, but not hard enough that he warrants a need for Zhongli's help. instead, he would throw himself into his work, working on the state of affairs of Viscint and the rest of Elde Menancia. the mundanity helps, at least.

but when there's that slip that he can't seem to get himself out of, that's when he seeks the other man's help. a façade to hide how he truly is feeling, to keep up appearances around those who don't know what lies in the deep. there's the slightest hint of a tremble in his voice, but he manages to hide most of what he's feeling. to Zhongli, however, he can probably feel that tug in their bond, one that only pulls harder when Dohalim sees him. but even then, he doesn't ask for help, outright. not in public, not when there are others who can hear him]

Would you... Join me for tea?

[a small request, one that seems inconsequential to anyone would be eavesdropping. but Dohalim hopes Zhongli catches the hint]

[it's easier, somehow, staying closer to Dohalim. limiting in some ways, since he can't follow up on the information he's found personally... but there'll be time for all of that. for now, Zhongli just keeps himself nearby, helping with little things where he can. making adjustments to Elde Menancia is something he's surprisingly adept at, as well - well, surprising to those other than Dohalim, perhaps. as the god of commerce and contracts, he has quite the advantage, all things considered.

still, there's the sudden request the young man gives, one that seems so innocuous as to mean nothing really.]

Of course. Shall we take a walk to find a comfortable spot, or did you have one in mind?

[closing the book he'd been notating things in, he sets it aside and turns his attention to the Renan fully.]

[it's a moment of absentmindedness that's the cause of Dohalim's pause in answering straight away, eyes falling on the book in Zhongli's hands. there's a hint of curiosity in his eyes before he shakes his head slightly and bringing his gaze up at the other's]

...My private garden. No one will disturb us there.

[while the two bigger gardens in the palace are a sight to behold, and are both a source of Dohalim's pride, even then does he need a space where he can be alone. it's not like he can sneak away from the palace all of the time, especially during the day when the guards can see him in plain sight. and with his need to be closer to Zhongli, it's not much of a viable option, these days.

before he leads the deity to said gardens, he reaches out to gently place his hand on Zhongli's arm, letting out a soft sigh at the contact. the tremble is a little more apparent in his hand, as if trying to keep himself together]

However... If you would like to go somewhere else...

[there's something, he thinks, to the way Dohalim says that. a place where they won't be disturbed could mean a few things, linked in measure. the base of it, Zhongli's sure he knows, but beyond that...

the deity brushes his fingers along Dohalim's hand in a gentle, reassuring motion. it's easy to hide but equally easy to feel.]

No, the garden sounds perfect for a tea break. The day is quite pleasant as well, I imagine the fresh air will do us both good.

[as to getting the tea... well, that's a simple enough task to pick up on their way out, isn't it? it'll be good, he thinks, for the Renan to get a little free time from his guards too. they do seem to place a fair amount of trust in Zhongli himself, especially now after he's begun assisting with the reformation efforts in earnest.]

[Dohalim's bid for privacy has no ulterior implications, at least he doesn't think so. he just wants to be away from the public view in the event he falls apart again. even though the slip is small, it can still be a slippery slope, and his descent into madness is something he doesn't want the city to experience again. not when its citizens are trying their very best to pick themselves back up. they don't need to see that horror again.

though, he is surprised by the level of support he still has from those who were on his side of coexistence. the small, but genuine smiles they still offer him as they pass him by in the hallways are indicative of that.

the hand placed over his provides a small comfort as Dohalim sighs again, before tilting his head to the side]

Shall we, then?

[he doesn't wait for an answer as he steps back, letting his hand fall away from Zhongli's arm. there's a reluctance there, not ready to separate himself from the deity just yet, but if anyone were to see them... not that his servants or anyone in his court would say anything about it, but still. it would be unbecoming to show such affection...

he trusts Zhongli to follow him down the hallways; he walks in silence, but close to the other to gently brush his hand against his, to remind himself that Zhongli is, indeed, still with him. there's a slight fog in his mind, but it's easily ignorable enough to ask a passing servant to have some tea and snacks delivered to his garden. it's with practiced ease that he can sound level headed enough for just that.

however, it's when they find themselves in the garden tucked away in the back of the palace, and away from the view of others for the time being, does Dohalim turn his attention back on Zhongli again, stepping forward to grasp his upper arm, and resting his forehead against his shoulder. another sigh, heavier this time, as he tries to push that corruption away again]

Of course. Lead the way, my lord.

[Zhongli falls into the faint politeness with similarly practiced ease, and when Dohalim starts to lead, he does keep quite close; as often as the Renan needs, he can reach out and touch him at any time on their walk.

it's a quick enough thing, coming to the garden. quiet and out of the way, with all the same trappings of warm earth as the larger public ones... just... private, of course. private enough that Dohalim steps forward and Zhongli pauses more out of curiosity than anything, staying easily still as the other man's forehead comes to rest against his shoulder.]

... It's loud again, then? [his voice is soft and sympathetic as Zhongli shifts, intending to lead Dohalim to sit down. it'll be easier to comfort him from that position, to offer more of his presence. from there, in fact, he can slip his arms around the redhead's waist, as warm and persistent as their bond.]

Loud enough that I need you.

[not nearly as bad as it was the last time, but loud enough that Dohalim has to take Zhongli's offer up for help. thankfully not loud enough, or imposing enough to violently pull at their bond, to try to taint it again. but the arms around his waist, and the warmth from Zhongli's body is nearly enough to silence the whispers, for the time being. he knows he has limited time before a servant comes by with tea, but for now, he'll sit in this comfort.

his own arms wrap around the other, hands gently tangling themselves in Zhongli's hair. silky smooth around his fingers, it provides another small comfort]

I had thought I would be able to ignore it, but...

[Dohalim shakes his head again, head on Zhongli's shoulder again. it's still an adjustment, trying to get used to this intrusion in his mind, and the comfort sought of this man. but at least he did, at least Zhongli is here]

It truly did want its presence to be known.

[Zhongli exhales an understanding hum, allowing himself to just be there. his fingers trace idle circles over Dohalim's waist, firm enough to be felt in its gentle soothing motions.]

You needn't try to suffer through it, you know...

[tilting his head a little, the deity presses his lips to Dohalim's forehead and squeezes gently where he holds him. it's so much to deal with alone, after all...]

Do you want to talk about it? That may help to settle things a little. I won't judge you for any of it, you realise.

I am... Unsure what I could talk about. The whispers themselves are undiscernible at best, most of the time.

[like right now. he just knows the presence of the corruption, and the general feeling of dread hanging over his head, but... nothing specific. at least, not right now. not like before. the whispers aren't saying truly heinous things to him, aren't picking apart his anxieties, this time]

Though, I suppose I... Hm. The last time, they were particularly vicious about being left alone. That I would always be alone.

[Dohalim's eyes squeeze shut as he quickly pushes those thoughts away before that taint can cling to it and exacerbate it]

I think I came to you just in time for it to run rampant, this time. But the whispers are still there. Even in your warmth...

That is fine. I'm here to listen regardless.

[as he speaks of the last time, Zhongli listens quietly and attentively, reaching to brush the back of his fingers along the redhead's cheek as his eyes squeeze shut.]

... It's hard to change how you feel, when it's gone unchallenged for so long. I don't expect it to change too quickly, but I hope that over time it will start to ease. That... may not be as reassuring as you'd like, of course. For that, I'm sorry.

Time...

[it seems that time is the balm to all of this... but Dohalim has to wonder just how much of it he realistically has. does he have an entire lifetime? or does he have until tomorrow? he doesn't like the uncertainty of waiting for the preventable or inevitable]

I do have to wonder if it's on our side, or if we're just working against it.

[the hand on his face is soothing, but it doesn't completely quell the brewing storm in him. it's exhausting, having this loom over his head]

I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't have a desire for death, still. Less so now, but... Perhaps the corruption is to blame. Or maybe...

[his thoughts are jumbled as he tries to voice them. but before he can finish his train of thought, there's a soft knock on the door, before it opens, letting the servant wheel in a cart with their tea, as well as some biscuits and sweets for them.

as soon as that door does open, Dohalim quickly pushes himself up off Zhongli, sitting up straight. the façade is back up, offering a polite smile as the table is set]

... Perhaps it is a little of both.

[time is a boon and a bane, after all. but... ah. as he starts to open up a little, there's the knock of the servant at the door. Zhongli manages not to sigh, turning himself to give the Renan space. decorum is important, after all, and while they may have come to a tentative arrangement, the people of Elde Menancia don't really... know about it.

his hands rest in his lap as the servant sets their table, offering a smile and a soft thanks in turn. at least they're both adept at their personae, and no one would even think they'd been in such an intimate position only moments before.]

[it's decorum, but a small part of it is because Dohalim doesn't want to show the court something that usually would bring one happiness. not so soon after what he'd done. what would the people say if he was seen showing affection towards someone right after he'd done some of the most heinous acts the realm has seen under his rule?

maybe a part of him still thinks he doesn't deserve this.

but he's quiet while the servant works, save for the soft expressed gratitude before the servant walks out. it's only then, that Dohalim's shoulders hunch slightly, as he drops the act. it's exhausting, but... it must be done]

We should... Tea. Before it gets cold.

[he'll work on pouring it for the both of them, so that he can distract himself from the topic at hand, as well as the whispers. it's an internal struggle, but at least he's getting by]

Of course. It's always best to enjoy these things at their proper temperatures.

[he doesn't want to rush Dohalim, after all. bringing all this up... it's not a circumstance he envies the other for. and if there was more than listening that he could do, he certainly would. for now, he just settles in to enjoy the warm air, the tea and snacks, and the comforting atmosphere of the garden itself.

being around the plants is a comfort he's not used to enjoying, really; it's something Dohalim might have noticed, in their recent time. despite being a creature of the Earth, Zhongli has always seemed more resonant with the rocks and earth itself than the plants that grow from it.]

[while Dohalim does resonate with the earth itself, as is his affinity to wield earth astral artes, he's also been able to extend that to plants as well. alongside being able to control the ground and rock under their feet and manipulate it to his will, so too can he with his vines, summoning them in the heat of battle. but not only that, it's almost like he can feel the plants' as if there's a sentience to them. it's odd to explain, which is why he doesn't. but perhaps the feeling of the plants is what seems to soothe him, sometimes, as he finds himself sitting in the garden often. a meditative experience, he could say. but that was before the corruption. now he's sure that he'd hear nothing but those whispers if he were to sit in silence.

he watches Zhongli while pouring out their tea, perfectly steeped and fragrant. a Menancian offering, of course, of the finest tea leaves in the realm. picking up his teacup and inhaling, Dohalim lets out a soft sigh]

They must have used the leaves from the peaks dividing Menancia and Cyslodia. Aromatic and flavourful...

[Zhongli's eyes close as he takes in the scent of the tea, fingers curling gently around the cup.]

Indeed. Picked recently, I believe. It smells a touch sweeter than normal, with a richer depth.

[he could go on for ages, he knows... but somehow, the idea of prattling on about the things he knows falls flat. instead, his attention wavers between the offerings and Dohalim, mind wandering. how to proceed, how to work through what they need... he knows the people of Viscint won't stay silent, nor are they stupid enough to miss what's going on. perhaps not the depth of the issue, but his sudden closeness to their Lord...]

Mm, yes. Truly a treat for the senses.

[Dohalim blows on it for a moment, before taking a sip. it seems like the tea had pushed away the corruption for the time being; he's pretty sure it's a brief interlude, so he'll take what he can get.

with his free hand, he reaches over to gently place it over Zhongli's arm again, not wanting to go without some sort of contact. he has the same thoughts about Viscint's people, especially those within his court. there is no doubt about his closeness with the deity, and he has to wonder if there would be any contention about it. after all, who he thought to be his most trusted advisor turned out to be a traitor...

if the time comes where he has to explain his closeness to Zhongli... would he be able to? would he want to? it would open up another multitude of problems if he were honest as to why Zhongli is so close, but what could he possibly say in lieu of "he keeps my head stable"? to voice his instability could bring chaos to the realm again, and that's something he desperately wants to avoid.

but to keep this hidden from plain view, is that fair to Zhongli? to shroud their relationship in mystery... does the deity not care? or does he, but doesn't want to say anything so as to not trigger an emotional reaction? what should he do...]

[this time, it's hardly surprising when Dohalim places a hand over his arm. a small smile flits over his lips and he shifts a little, moving to draw his arm up and instead take the Renan's hand in his own.

it's reassurance, and it's a little selfishness, really. he can certainly drink tea just fine with one hand, and so he does. its warmth fills him with a gentle sense of contentment, sweet and persistent. in the wake of it and the garden itself, there's an ephemeral feeling of serenity that hangs in the air, he thinks.

when it comes to their circumstance... in truth, he doesn't mind keeping their relationship shrouded. he's more worried about the effects it'll have when people put the pieces together and stop choosing to stay quiet about them.]

Thank you for coming to me before things got too overwhelming, Dohalim.

[the touch is so simple, yet it floods Dohalim with a sort of warmth he never knew he'd be able to experience; it's enough for the time being to illuminate the darkness in his heart. his fingers squeeze Zhongli's gently, as a sign that he's still with him in mind and body]

I had to. I didn't want another situation where I end up hurting you again. Perhaps this way... This way will be better for the both of us.

[the nightmares that followed the last few days have been nothing short of horrific, causing him to jolt from slumber so violently, and leaving him drenched in sweat as he struggles to catch his breath. nights are the worst, for not being able to keep Zhongli close to him while he slept. sure, their rooms are nearby each other, but... Dohalim can still feel the strain on their bond for being separated for so long.

but... it's not like he can ask Zhongli to sleep in his room with him... no, that would be too forward...]

Ah... I suppose that's true. Still, I can imagine it wasn't easy to do.

[Zhongli is mild in his commentary, smiling warmly and gently between sips of his tea. He can tell there's something more, but how to get Dohalim talking about it? That's a harder question to answer.]

I know I've at least implied it before, but you needn't feel guilt for what you need from me, Dohalim. I rather enjoy being here to assist and offer my presence, as well as whatever comfort I can.

Edited 2022-09-13 20:03 (UTC)

You... Are too kind to me.

[Dohalim looks down at the pale orange-brown of the tea in his teacup, his finger tapping the side of it in thought. Zhongli had so many reasons not to show him this sort of kindness and warmth, and yet here he is, still, even after what he'd done. there's the guilt that weighs him down again, and he has to let out a sigh as he leans back in his seat]

What I need-- want from you is a little too forward, I'm afraid.

[he really does want Zhongli's presence in most times, if he can have it. but it really would be too much. he does respect the deity's privacy away from him, as well. but every time he thinks about being away from him, it only tugs at their bond even more. he can't explain it, he's never been this attached to anyone before...]

I don't believe I am to kind at all.

[He gives just little denials of the most important things, really. Dohalim leans back and speaks again, and Zhongli hums softly. Really, he's making this so hard on himself...]

Too forward? For me? [wry amusement shows on his face as Zhongli watches Dohalim.] that gives me an idea of what you want... but I would rather hear it from you directly than assume, I think.

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