ilqaras: (pic#15232448)
Dohalim Melqal il Qaras Na'amo ([personal profile] ilqaras) wrote in [community profile] eggbowl2023-08-01 01:28 am

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.


honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]
earthwork: (♪And I'll stand in the snow)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-03 11:55 pm (UTC)(link)
You have nothing to apologise to me for.

[it's only that there's... propriety to consider. life is complicated, far too complicated sometimes. a hand rises up as Dohalim pushes himself up, to cup his chin and stop him from turning away yet. he didn't say it to make him feel guilty, especially with how badly he wants to stay...]

I want to stay. I just... don't want to make things difficult for you later. If you want to continue this way, I won't refuse.

[ultimately, his reputation is... only so endangered. no matter how highly Dohalim is regarded, people attack the highest ranks first, and between a guard captain and his Lord...]

Maybe... there's somewhere we could set up for... times like these. That won't raise suspicions for either of us. Something like it.

[exhaling a sigh, he shifts to sit up - and can't stop the sharp inhale of breath as he does. that... that's unexpected. his whole lower body feels... weak, aching. was it really that much exertion?]

Ah... haaah... it may take me a moment.

[he definitely has every intention of powering through it, but it does dawn on him just how much they've now done, in the most tangible way.]
earthwork: (♪And it's all that I will ever need)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-04 10:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Then stay I shall.

[It's always been a marvel to him, how sweet and gentle Dohalim is. The brush of lips on his palm only brings that thought right back, and his expression is soft and enamored just in watching.

As the other pulls out, Gepard makes every effort not to moan or gasp aloud. The slow movement should help, but it does also stir up some further sensations of want. He opens his mouth to say something when Dohalim's eyes begin to glow though, breath hitching just so faintly at the touch of fingers on his thigh.

He'd never been able to describe it, but Dohalim's healing has always felt... exceptionally pleasant, even compared to equally skilled others. Perhaps it's gentler because of his connection to the earth and plants? Gepard doesn't know.

But it is a little bit of a relief when the ache settles in his legs... and a bit less of a relief when he realises he can feel spend starting to ooze out of him, a reminder of what was done, and that he feels a little... empty now. There's a passing realisation that maybe the redhead had even managed to leave marks on his thighs - and the reminder,
as it tingles in healing, of just how hard he'd sucked on Gepard's neck.]


No, no. I'm fine, it's just... [Gepard has to laugh, scrubbing a cheek idly.] My legs are just a bit wobbly, I think. I'm not used to the exertion, that's all. If I weren't such an awkward mess, I might... not want to stop so soon.

[It's a little embarrassing, maybe. He's always been fit and strong, so it's definitely news to realise he can be taken down so easily in intimacy. Still, he'll be fine once he's on his feet, he just has to get them used to not being wrapped around Do's hips again.]
earthwork: (♪To believe)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-05 01:03 pm (UTC)(link)
I wouldn't call myself worn out, really. [Gepard laughs in turn, taking every expression and feeling in stride.] My legs are the only problem, and I presume it's just because it's a remarkably different exercise from what I'm used to.

[As to just existing when he's so messy... that's a little more personal. Maybe his time on the battlefield has something to do with it, but as slick turns to sticky and eventually dries out... the idea is unpleasant.

The redhead mentions carrying him, and Gepard makes a soft, certainly embarrassed noise. He's got a point, of course - the last thing he'd like to do is make Do heal him more too... but of course, it's easier to push past knowing that no one should see them.

Maybe his reputation does matter a little.]


If... if you're sure, I have no reason to refuse. I doubt I would fall, but I'm... rather loath to be farther from you than I must. [which likely answers the unasked question of bathing... Gepard shifts to make it easier to maneuver, hands already a little antsy to be around Dohalim again.] I'll... try not to make you more messy while we walk.

[never mind that there's still spend both all over his chest and slowly oozing out of him.]
earthwork: (♪My dear I promise)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-05 01:34 pm (UTC)(link)
I... suppose that makes sense. I'm relieved that it at least gets more tolerable with time.

[He really is just always clean, isn't he? But his arms slide around Do's shoulders without hesitation, a soft breath of a gasp puffed out against his neck when arms slide under his thighs. No, he's most certainly not worn out... and it's taking some concentration to focus on getting to the bathroom to get clean.

Maybe Do managed to put some sort of spell on him, as it were.

When they reach the bathroom, Gepard takes a moment to take it in, finally lifting his head from the other Renan's shoulder. It's fitting, both for his style and his status; lavish but functional. Gepard shifts enough to set his legs in the water, but looks up at Dohalim with some faint hesitation on his face.]


... will you not be joining me? Although, I guess it's probably easier for me to clean up, too...
earthwork: (♪And I'll stand in the snow)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-06 09:29 am (UTC)(link)
[really, he would love it if everything Dohalim said didn't make him flush so easily. his gaze flits off briefly before he speaks again.]

I-- my apologies. I'm still not... sure what to expect, or if you... would even like to share a bath.

[in spite of everything, that's true. it leaves him a little antsy, and clearly his head is still foggy enough to misunderstand Dohalim's words. of course, there's a little embarrassment in that misunderstanding, stoked by the redhead's gentle teasing, but it's kept in check by the gentle, chaste kiss and his motions.

at his urging, Gepard offers a soft smile and does shift to settle into the bath, testing his legs as they're submersed. they're fatigued, but that's really to be expected. the heat of the water is an instant relief on that end, indicating the expected muscle aches and little more. it's an even bigger relief to wash away the sticky feeling, seemingly completely at ease now that he's confirmed Dohalim isn't leaving him to his own.

in hindsight, it would have been silly, given what they'd just done and the fact that the redhead wanted him to spend the night. exhaling a sigh, he has to suppose that maybe he is feeling... just a little clingy. perhaps it's just a side effect of all they'd done?

his head tilts to glance back at Dohalim when he speaks, nodding absently in understanding. there's almost no effort expended in lifting himself up again, shifting forward to ensure ample space for the other Renan to settle in behind him.]


... thank you. For... everything, really.

[it feels like a necessity to say it somehow, but perhaps it's just because he's feeling a little awkward, unsure of what to say to keep a conversation going. he's never been the greatest at it to begin with, but this...]
earthwork: (♪Hear my promise of blistering light)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-07 09:12 pm (UTC)(link)
[Gepard settles in against Dohalim without an ounce of protest. The redhead's arms are warm around his waist, and his whole body is much the same, soothing a different sort of ache than the water.

It's... honestly, just these little moments are worth everything. He's still worried about what will happen in the future, of course, but it's easy to set it aside for now.b his hands slide over Do's, thumb brushing over the back of one as a little shiver draws through him.]


Just... for giving me this chance. Maybe it's unnecessary to you, but I just... [He pauses, trying to think through his words. They still feel a little jumbled, and some things are just too painful to talk about.] I can't help but feel a little lucky, even in the face of everything that's happened recently. Moreover, you've been patient with me, especially in light of my... inadequacies. It... just means a lot to me.
earthwork: (♪Trust in the might of a miracle)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-08 12:22 pm (UTC)(link)
I... don't really know what I expected.

[the pause is perhaps too long; he'd claim it was just the reaction to Dohalim's soft kisses, the sweet brush of lips over his neck and shoulder, but... well, it's hard to say. he's glad, then, that they're settled in this way - it makes it harder for the redhead to see the way his gaze flicks off into the distance.]

I didn't expect you to be unkind, to be clear. If anything, I was afraid you would perhaps be impatient, realising how little I knew. But I would never expect you to do anything without my permission, that isn't how you are.

[the words are so carefully chosen, mild but a little distant. it's something he doesn't register as strange at all, but to someone used to keeping secrets - and who keeps them better than the blond ever has - Do might find himself staring at an indication of some kind of unpleasant memory. he can at least stay relaxed within the memory that this is a different time, a different place, and that he's with Dohalim, not... elsewhere. the last thing he wants is to distress the other man when they're meant to be relaxing.]
earthwork: (♪And I'll stand in the snow)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-08 01:11 pm (UTC)(link)
[Gepard lifts his hand to cover Dohalim's, keeping that warmth between them and letting his fingers lace loosely between the other's. It's... he likes that. Gentle, even a little romantic, and isn't that just both of them?]

I know. I just worried that, as someone a fair bit older and... with my personality... well, you would want more, as you deserve. Maybe it sounds silly, but that's the reality.

[His gaze falls down to their hands, resting so comfortably over his chest. Anything he wants to say... Gepard has kept more than enough to himself, but what Dohalim is alluding to now is both harder to keep quiet and harder still to find the words to explain.]

I... I'm not sure how to explain. Honestly, I don't know why the memory has lingered in the first place - nothing came of it, after all.

[and since his return from that cycle of the Crown Contest, he'd not seen that Lord again anyway. It was as if he vanished... but that's also something he can't bring himself to worry Dohalim over. He'll find a way to make sure no harm comes to him.]

You needn't worry about me, Do.
earthwork: (♪And it's all that I will ever need)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-08 01:57 pm (UTC)(link)
I would like to remind you that worrying is my job.

[He laughs as he says it, though he does feel that way. It's still hard to lean on anyone, especially knowing what his history is. But it's not fair, is it? Just leaving Do in the dark is... cruel, probably.]

It's... how do I even begin...

[sighing, he leans back against Dohalim more fully, eyes closing in contemplation. What's the worst that could happen?]

It was just another Lord overstepping his bounds. I suspect he was... quite high on the power he held... and so he forgot who he was talking to.

[It's still so vague, but at least the picture is slowly coming into focus.]
earthwork: (♪My dear I promise)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-09 10:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Dohalim...

[Gepard doesn't answer immediately, just because his instinct is to soothe that anger, the danger in his voice. Shifting, the blond curls a hand around the darker man's arm, fingers soothing gently over skin.]

I'm fine, he didn't do anything that egregious. Perhaps because I think I shattered his nose in response.

[squeezing gently, Gepard gives Dohalim no real way to give him space. He's leaning quite comfortably on him, gaze turning down briefly to the water.]

It's... why I hesitated, when I remembered our positions. I don't... I don't want to think about that time, of course - but I don't want you to think it's why I'm here, either.

[He'd hesitate to even call himself tipsy before, given how much of his blush had just been because of Do... but still.]

I don't want to let go of this... of you. It's selfish, I know; you deserve so much, and I... I'm afraid I won't be able to give it all to you, somehow.
earthwork: (♪And it's all that I will ever need)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-11 05:50 am (UTC)(link)
I think he was more frightened of the repercussions within his guard, if I'm honest.

[not just a Landau, but someone like Gepard - it's like as not that the word never got out how the injury had happened. Perhaps Serval knew, even if he'd never told her... the bond between them always seemed strongest when times were hard. He himself doesn't know, just as he doesn't know what sparked the man to try.]

You had no reason to know there could be a problem. I know... I knew it was a joke even when you spoke it, after all. [His fingers squeeze gently over Dohalim's arm again.] I could never mistake you for someone like that. If I'm honest... I don't know why it made me think of it at all.

[He's always thought that he's... at least acceptable when it comes to putting things behind him. If he wasn't, then his past would weigh on him more, wouldn't it? Even so, it happened. And as Dohalim pulls him closer, Gepard attempts to bury his thoughts in that space, where he's warm, loved... it doesn't completely stay the wonder of where he'd be if that hadn't been enough to stop the lord's advances. Even so, it's enough. It doesn't matter where he would be - he's here now.]

You are exceptionally hard on yourself, Dohalim... you have always deserved more than you have. I know that it's difficult to believe, with everything that happened, and I can understand why you feel the guilt you do. But... you lost a friend, too. I can't imagine it was an easy decision.

[a hand rises to trail fingers over Dohalim's cheek, leaving just a faint trace of water as they go.]

If you deserve nothing for your decisions, then it stands to reason that... the same is true of myself, you see.
earthwork: (♪Hear my promise of blistering light)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-11 08:49 am (UTC)(link)
It isn't selfish to want to live, Dohalim. [Gepard does squash that idea quite immediately, the words sharp and firm.] I sincerely doubt that this guilt would be lost on Tarnigen in the event that he had done the same. The fact that you had to make that decision at all... tells me more than the report ever did.

[He's old enough, experienced enough, to know that something bad happened - and he's experienced enough to know that it isn't easy to accept. Even without knowing the details, let alone Dohalim's reason for keeping some of them private, he can understand the man's want to take this guilt onto himself.]

Everyone has a reason for the actions they take. They weigh the risks, and they act on them. Questioning it doesn't make it easier to see why someone should be without their beloved, and it doesn't help you to ease the burden for yourself or provide closure to any side. The same is as true of Tarnigen as it is of a defector who chooses to attack a Lord for the sake of their family. [There's no attempt to shadow the depth of that - it's well known that rebels and defectors rarely do so out of some abstract, evil concept, and yet they must be dealt with appropriately nonetheless.] I know that it's a hollow comfort, but it's all I can offer. You needn't carry this weight alone. If you try, it may just bury you - especially since you're also carrying Fahria's pain and anguish on your own shoulders.
Edited 2023-09-11 08:53 (UTC)
earthwork: (♪Trust in the might of a miracle)

[personal profile] earthwork 2023-09-11 03:37 pm (UTC)(link)
It wasn't ideal, I know... but that doesn't change my mind. If it is selfish to be glad that you still stand, when the reality is that you could have been dealt the same hand... then perhaps I'm more selfish than most.

[His voice has already softened again; he doesn't intend to demand anything, but he can't accept that idea. That somehow, wanting to live at another's expense is selfish... it's just life.

Gepard reaches up to run fingers through his hair, eyes closing lightly. This is clearly a heavy topic for the redhead, but... he hopes, at least, that speaking about it can help ease a little of it.]


I have no intention of letting it bury you without complaint, Dohalim. I'll support your every effort, but you are... far too important to me to just give up on. Especially now.

[It's a small acknowledgement, a certainty that there really is no going back from this. For better or worse, their relationship has changed... and for better or worse, Dohalim has attached himself to one of the most protective people alive.]

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