eggbowl | [Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.

honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]

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You have nothing to apologise to me for.

[it's only that there's... propriety to consider. life is complicated, far too complicated sometimes. a hand rises up as Dohalim pushes himself up, to cup his chin and stop him from turning away yet. he didn't say it to make him feel guilty, especially with how badly he wants to stay...]

I want to stay. I just... don't want to make things difficult for you later. If you want to continue this way, I won't refuse.

[ultimately, his reputation is... only so endangered. no matter how highly Dohalim is regarded, people attack the highest ranks first, and between a guard captain and his Lord...]

Maybe... there's somewhere we could set up for... times like these. That won't raise suspicions for either of us. Something like it.

[exhaling a sigh, he shifts to sit up - and can't stop the sharp inhale of breath as he does. that... that's unexpected. his whole lower body feels... weak, aching. was it really that much exertion?]

Ah... haaah... it may take me a moment.

[he definitely has every intention of powering through it, but it does dawn on him just how much they've now done, in the most tangible way.]

[as Gepard gently cups his face, Dohalim reaches up to loosely wrap his fingers around his wrist. he's entirely too kind to him, to want to avoid hardships for him... Dohalim wants to tell him what he wants, that he wants the man to stay with him for the night and for the rest of their lives, but the latter would be too much too fast. the former... there's an ache thinking of sleeping alone in his bed tonight, but in the face of their duties and positions...

bringing Gepard's hand up to his face, Dohalim kisses the palm of it softly, before sighing into it]

I... I don't care about difficulties that could arise later. If you are truly alright with it, I want you to stay with me for the night. We can figure out the rest at a later time.

[there's a moment when Gepard moves that Dohalim realises that maybe he should pull out before it gets really uncomfortable; he does so slowly as to not hurt the both of them. but it still seems that the other Renan is in a bit of pain and discomfort-- they really did go for it, didn't they?]

Here, allow me...

[with eyes glowing indigo and a light flash of green, Dohalim slides his hand down to a thigh, healing any aches and pains Gepard might be feeling. the last thing he wants is for the man to be in any pain after all of that]

Was I too rough with you?

Then stay I shall.

[It's always been a marvel to him, how sweet and gentle Dohalim is. The brush of lips on his palm only brings that thought right back, and his expression is soft and enamored just in watching.

As the other pulls out, Gepard makes every effort not to moan or gasp aloud. The slow movement should help, but it does also stir up some further sensations of want. He opens his mouth to say something when Dohalim's eyes begin to glow though, breath hitching just so faintly at the touch of fingers on his thigh.

He'd never been able to describe it, but Dohalim's healing has always felt... exceptionally pleasant, even compared to equally skilled others. Perhaps it's gentler because of his connection to the earth and plants? Gepard doesn't know.

But it is a little bit of a relief when the ache settles in his legs... and a bit less of a relief when he realises he can feel spend starting to ooze out of him, a reminder of what was done, and that he feels a little... empty now. There's a passing realisation that maybe the redhead had even managed to leave marks on his thighs - and the reminder,
as it tingles in healing, of just how hard he'd sucked on Gepard's neck.]

No, no. I'm fine, it's just... [Gepard has to laugh, scrubbing a cheek idly.] My legs are just a bit wobbly, I think. I'm not used to the exertion, that's all. If I weren't such an awkward mess, I might... not want to stop so soon.

[It's a little embarrassing, maybe. He's always been fit and strong, so it's definitely news to realise he can be taken down so easily in intimacy. Still, he'll be fine once he's on his feet, he just has to get them used to not being wrapped around Do's hips again.]

To think I tired a guard captain out so quickly...

[Dohalim offers Gepard a wry smile, as if to try to get over his small bout of emotions. ah, he's usually so good at hiding them, mostly because he's still a little clumsy at actually showing them, but Gepard just knows him well enough that it's a bit harder to keep them in.

he considers their options they have at the moment; Dohalim can either bring a towel and just wipe the both of them down, or they can bathe together. honestly, he hopes that the latter option is the one Gepard wants... but he'd understand if the blond wants to bathe by himself. either way, that option is the best, considering that his legs are probably still tired, even after he'd healed him.

as he rises and sits back on his heels, Dohalim catches a better view of their mess, and just how... tantalising the other man still looks, laid out before him. if he wasn't already so tired, Dohalim would have continued to push him into real exhaustion if he wanted it, but as it were, he thinks he's done a thorough enough job for Gepard's first time]

I think... I should carry you to the bathroom. The last thing I would want is for you to fall.

I wouldn't call myself worn out, really. [Gepard laughs in turn, taking every expression and feeling in stride.] My legs are the only problem, and I presume it's just because it's a remarkably different exercise from what I'm used to.

[As to just existing when he's so messy... that's a little more personal. Maybe his time on the battlefield has something to do with it, but as slick turns to sticky and eventually dries out... the idea is unpleasant.

The redhead mentions carrying him, and Gepard makes a soft, certainly embarrassed noise. He's got a point, of course - the last thing he'd like to do is make Do heal him more too... but of course, it's easier to push past knowing that no one should see them.

Maybe his reputation does matter a little.]

If... if you're sure, I have no reason to refuse. I doubt I would fall, but I'm... rather loath to be farther from you than I must. [which likely answers the unasked question of bathing... Gepard shifts to make it easier to maneuver, hands already a little antsy to be around Dohalim again.] I'll... try not to make you more messy while we walk.

[never mind that there's still spend both all over his chest and slowly oozing out of him.]

Ah, the mess is usually inevitable. I suppose I could say you do get used to it, but let us get you cleaned up, regardless. Now hold onto me.

[Dohalim can understand wanting to be clean, at least. once the other Renan has a good hold on him, Dohalim lifts him up as easily as he did before, strong arms under Gepard's thighs as he carries him to his bathroom.

it shouldn't come as a surprise, as they both enter the room, just how intricately designed everything is. everything is so perfectly tiled, in white, blues, soft greens and gold, with plants lined up along the walls. the fixtures themselves are in gilded gold to match everything else; honestly, it looks more like a spa than a bathroom. but for it to belong to a lord... it makes sense for it to be so lavish.

off to the side is the bathtub itself, with short steps framing a sunken tub fitted within those steps. it makes it easier for Dohalim to sit Gepard down on the edge of the tub, before standing again]

Feel free to... Take care of yourself while I go and find some towels.

I... suppose that makes sense. I'm relieved that it at least gets more tolerable with time.

[He really is just always clean, isn't he? But his arms slide around Do's shoulders without hesitation, a soft breath of a gasp puffed out against his neck when arms slide under his thighs. No, he's most certainly not worn out... and it's taking some concentration to focus on getting to the bathroom to get clean.

Maybe Do managed to put some sort of spell on him, as it were.

When they reach the bathroom, Gepard takes a moment to take it in, finally lifting his head from the other Renan's shoulder. It's fitting, both for his style and his status; lavish but functional. Gepard shifts enough to set his legs in the water, but looks up at Dohalim with some faint hesitation on his face.]

... will you not be joining me? Although, I guess it's probably easier for me to clean up, too...

[Dohalim blinks for a moment, confused; he'd only meant to give Gepard a moment to... clean himself up properly before slipping into the bath. but he exhales a soft laugh, before leaning down to gently kiss him, soft and chaste]

I never would have thought you would miss me so much even if I was gone for the shortest of moments. I will join you, but towels are rather important to have.

[as he stands, he gives Gepard a gentle nudge on the shoulder, as if to usher him into the bath so he can relax and soothe whatever ache he couldn't reach with his astral artes. Dohalim is sure he was able to take care of most of it, but... he worries he might have been a little rougher than he wanted to be.

Dohalim quickly finds the towels, picking out the fluffiest he can find for the both of them, before joining the blond back at the tub; setting them to the side, he carefully sits at the edge]

If you do not mind moving a little bit, I can settle in behind you.

[really, he would love it if everything Dohalim said didn't make him flush so easily. his gaze flits off briefly before he speaks again.]

I-- my apologies. I'm still not... sure what to expect, or if you... would even like to share a bath.

[in spite of everything, that's true. it leaves him a little antsy, and clearly his head is still foggy enough to misunderstand Dohalim's words. of course, there's a little embarrassment in that misunderstanding, stoked by the redhead's gentle teasing, but it's kept in check by the gentle, chaste kiss and his motions.

at his urging, Gepard offers a soft smile and does shift to settle into the bath, testing his legs as they're submersed. they're fatigued, but that's really to be expected. the heat of the water is an instant relief on that end, indicating the expected muscle aches and little more. it's an even bigger relief to wash away the sticky feeling, seemingly completely at ease now that he's confirmed Dohalim isn't leaving him to his own.

in hindsight, it would have been silly, given what they'd just done and the fact that the redhead wanted him to spend the night. exhaling a sigh, he has to suppose that maybe he is feeling... just a little clingy. perhaps it's just a side effect of all they'd done?

his head tilts to glance back at Dohalim when he speaks, nodding absently in understanding. there's almost no effort expended in lifting himself up again, shifting forward to ensure ample space for the other Renan to settle in behind him.]

... thank you. For... everything, really.

[it feels like a necessity to say it somehow, but perhaps it's just because he's feeling a little awkward, unsure of what to say to keep a conversation going. he's never been the greatest at it to begin with, but this...]

[reaching up, Dohalim tucks a lock of Gepard's hair behind his ear, before moving to sink into the water behind him. there's a small sigh of relief he lets out, not realising that even his own muscles have been aching a little from exertion, and now that the adrenaline has worn off, he's more aware than ever of just how tired he is.

arms wrap around Gepard's waist as he pulls him close, legs resting on either side of him. there's plenty of room for them to easily spread out, but Dohalim doesn't want to part with the man any more than he has to. not right now, at least, not when his body is so acclimated to pressing itself against him. he can't let go of that warmth, now that he has it in his grasp.

tilting his head down, he presses a soft kiss to the back of the blond's neck, before nuzzling it]

Thank you? Whatever for? There is no need to, I think.

[Gepard settles in against Dohalim without an ounce of protest. The redhead's arms are warm around his waist, and his whole body is much the same, soothing a different sort of ache than the water.

It's... honestly, just these little moments are worth everything. He's still worried about what will happen in the future, of course, but it's easy to set it aside for now.b his hands slide over Do's, thumb brushing over the back of one as a little shiver draws through him.]

Just... for giving me this chance. Maybe it's unnecessary to you, but I just... [He pauses, trying to think through his words. They still feel a little jumbled, and some things are just too painful to talk about.] I can't help but feel a little lucky, even in the face of everything that's happened recently. Moreover, you've been patient with me, especially in light of my... inadequacies. It... just means a lot to me.

[as Gepard speaks, Dohalim peppers the softest of kisses along the back of his neck and down his shoulder, before resting his chin there. he hadn't realised that this really did mean a lot to him, when he himself had been acting on feelings and emotions that he's held in for so long. it makes him wonder, especially when it seems that Gepard had... almost expected him not to be so patient]

Of course... Did you really expect me to bend you to my will and not take into consideration your own inexperience?

[his voice doesn't hold any admonition; it's simply a question. he could never... not to anyone, but especially Gepard. he'll admit, if the other mad had decided to stop him in the middle of everything, he would have been disappointed, but would also have stopped immediately. this was his first intimate experience; Dohalim didn't want to mar that in any way. and he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he made this a bad experience for Gepard]

I... don't really know what I expected.

[the pause is perhaps too long; he'd claim it was just the reaction to Dohalim's soft kisses, the sweet brush of lips over his neck and shoulder, but... well, it's hard to say. he's glad, then, that they're settled in this way - it makes it harder for the redhead to see the way his gaze flicks off into the distance.]

I didn't expect you to be unkind, to be clear. If anything, I was afraid you would perhaps be impatient, realising how little I knew. But I would never expect you to do anything without my permission, that isn't how you are.

[the words are so carefully chosen, mild but a little distant. it's something he doesn't register as strange at all, but to someone used to keeping secrets - and who keeps them better than the blond ever has - Do might find himself staring at an indication of some kind of unpleasant memory. he can at least stay relaxed within the memory that this is a different time, a different place, and that he's with Dohalim, not... elsewhere. the last thing he wants is to distress the other man when they're meant to be relaxing.]

[as someone so experienced in hiding full truths from others, Dohalim can almost hear and feel that distance in Gepard's voice. perhaps he could just brush it off as the man just gathering his thoughts and putting them into coherency, but... no, this is different. it's a little worrying, but then again, when has he never worried about Gepard?

lifting a hand up slowly, Dohalim lets his palm rest on the blond's chest, right over his heart. a small reassurance, to remind Gepard in whatever thought he's stuck in that he's still with him]

Geppie... [Dohalim sighs softly, leaning in to press another soft kiss to his neck] I have nothing but an abundance of patience for you. You do not have to worry about that with me.

With that being said... If there is anything you wish to get off your chest... I would not mind lending an ear.

[if Gepard doesn't want to talk, then Dohalim won't push the issue, nor call him out on it. that would be entirely hypocritical, especially when he himself would rather compartmentalise his own unpleasant memories than talk about them]

[Gepard lifts his hand to cover Dohalim's, keeping that warmth between them and letting his fingers lace loosely between the other's. It's... he likes that. Gentle, even a little romantic, and isn't that just both of them?]

I know. I just worried that, as someone a fair bit older and... with my personality... well, you would want more, as you deserve. Maybe it sounds silly, but that's the reality.

[His gaze falls down to their hands, resting so comfortably over his chest. Anything he wants to say... Gepard has kept more than enough to himself, but what Dohalim is alluding to now is both harder to keep quiet and harder still to find the words to explain.]

I... I'm not sure how to explain. Honestly, I don't know why the memory has lingered in the first place - nothing came of it, after all.

[and since his return from that cycle of the Crown Contest, he'd not seen that Lord again anyway. It was as if he vanished... but that's also something he can't bring himself to worry Dohalim over. He'll find a way to make sure no harm comes to him.]

You needn't worry about me, Do.

I always worry about you.

[no matter how many times Gepard tells Dohalim not to worry, it only manages to increase tenfold. he well knows that if one says not to worry that there is definitely grounds to raise concern, and with what Gepard had prefaced it with, it's a sort of worry that grips him.

he said nothing came out of it, but still. he wants to know what happened]

While you do not need to explain anything... I am here to offer any sort of support. I hope you can confide in me, but if you wish not to, then I won't be upset.

[again, it would be hypocritical of him to get upset if Gepard doesn't want to say anything else on the subject]

I would like to remind you that worrying is my job.

[He laughs as he says it, though he does feel that way. It's still hard to lean on anyone, especially knowing what his history is. But it's not fair, is it? Just leaving Do in the dark is... cruel, probably.]

It's... how do I even begin...

[sighing, he leans back against Dohalim more fully, eyes closing in contemplation. What's the worst that could happen?]

It was just another Lord overstepping his bounds. I suspect he was... quite high on the power he held... and so he forgot who he was talking to.

[It's still so vague, but at least the picture is slowly coming into focus.]

[it's easier to make the connections then, the anvil sized hints painting a picture he wouldn't wish even on his worst enemy]

Did he lay his hands on you?

[Dohalim's voice takes on a tone that's rare to hear; it's low and dangerous, and almost promising bodily harm to whoever it's directed to. he has to wonder if his sisters know about this; though to be fair, if Serval did know, he would have definitely heard of a lord's assassination as she would have made sure he was nothing but a burn mark on the floor once she was done with him.

but it also makes him feel a little self conscious - is he no better than that lord? to have acted on desires such as this, to take Gepard to bed with him... the blond was slightly inebriated when he asked if he could... one could view that as taking advantage of a vulnerable state, even if Gepard said yes.

Dohalim is compelled to let go of the other man, to give him some space as he's reminded of their positions. is his presence a catalyst for that memory? he isn't sure. but... he also doesn't want to let go of Gepard, but to hold him even closer, to show him affection in the light of this confession]

Dohalim...

[Gepard doesn't answer immediately, just because his instinct is to soothe that anger, the danger in his voice. Shifting, the blond curls a hand around the darker man's arm, fingers soothing gently over skin.]

I'm fine, he didn't do anything that egregious. Perhaps because I think I shattered his nose in response.

[squeezing gently, Gepard gives Dohalim no real way to give him space. He's leaning quite comfortably on him, gaze turning down briefly to the water.]

It's... why I hesitated, when I remembered our positions. I don't... I don't want to think about that time, of course - but I don't want you to think it's why I'm here, either.

[He'd hesitate to even call himself tipsy before, given how much of his blush had just been because of Do... but still.]

I don't want to let go of this... of you. It's selfish, I know; you deserve so much, and I... I'm afraid I won't be able to give it all to you, somehow.

[there's some lingering anger there, but at least Dohalim does let out a small snort against Gepard's shoulder. he should have known the captain wouldn't have let himself be put in such an inappropriate position and be defenseless against it]

That is... Very like you. I'm surprised he hadn't called for your execution, or banishment from the realm.

[then again, the lord must have wanted to save face (whatever was left of it, at least). had it come out that he was being untoward with one of his guardsmen... Dohalim is sure he would have wanted to avoid the repercussions of his actions. though, maybe he thought he could really get away with it... Dohalim thinks him brave, to be honest, to go after a Landau, of all people; if Gepard hadn't put him back in his place, Serval definitely would have.

but what Gepard says next makes Dohalim feel a little guilty. he'd only intended to throw his title around as a joke between them, not wanting it to be taken literally. but now that he knows the other man's truth, he can't help but feel awful that he wasn't more considerate with his own words]

I... Apologise. I shouldn't have said something so inconsiderate, without thinking about what effects my words could have on you.

[he'd always been like that, saying things before thinking them through. and this time, he managed to dredge up an unpleasant memory that he's sure Gepard wouldn't have wanted to think about, especially in the heat of passion.

but it does come to a surprise when Gepard admits wanting to keep... whatever it is they have between them now. Dohalim pulls him closer, arms wrapped around him tightly, almost clinging onto him]

You... Do not need to give me anything at all. You think I deserve much, but even this... Whatever this is... I don't deserve even this much.

I think he was more frightened of the repercussions within his guard, if I'm honest.

[not just a Landau, but someone like Gepard - it's like as not that the word never got out how the injury had happened. Perhaps Serval knew, even if he'd never told her... the bond between them always seemed strongest when times were hard. He himself doesn't know, just as he doesn't know what sparked the man to try.]

You had no reason to know there could be a problem. I know... I knew it was a joke even when you spoke it, after all. [His fingers squeeze gently over Dohalim's arm again.] I could never mistake you for someone like that. If I'm honest... I don't know why it made me think of it at all.

[He's always thought that he's... at least acceptable when it comes to putting things behind him. If he wasn't, then his past would weigh on him more, wouldn't it? Even so, it happened. And as Dohalim pulls him closer, Gepard attempts to bury his thoughts in that space, where he's warm, loved... it doesn't completely stay the wonder of where he'd be if that hadn't been enough to stop the lord's advances. Even so, it's enough. It doesn't matter where he would be - he's here now.]

You are exceptionally hard on yourself, Dohalim... you have always deserved more than you have. I know that it's difficult to believe, with everything that happened, and I can understand why you feel the guilt you do. But... you lost a friend, too. I can't imagine it was an easy decision.

[a hand rises to trail fingers over Dohalim's cheek, leaving just a faint trace of water as they go.]

If you deserve nothing for your decisions, then it stands to reason that... the same is true of myself, you see.

It wasn't a simple decision, but a selfish act of self preservation. I've robbed him of his future. Both his and Fahria's.

[had he let Tarnigen win, then maybe the both of them would have come out of the competition alive. sure, perhaps their friendship would have been strained, but at least he and Fahria would have been able to get married. Dohalim had omitted some of the facts, some of what had transpired between them. the fact that Tarnigen, in a fit of desperation, had tried to use astral artes during a test of pure physical combat, that he tried to cheat... but no one needed to know that. especially none in their (former) circle of friends.

this is his own burden to bear, after all. if he could just compartmentalise it...

as damp fingers trail down his face, Dohalim leans into the touch slightly. despite Gepard's station as a captain of his guard, and despite the slight roughness of his hands that are synonymous with a fierce fighter such as he is, the touch is warm, kind, soothing. it doesn't quite quell the simmering storm threatening to overtake his mind like it does from time to time, but it does calm him down some, enough to talk about the events without sending him into a full blown panic attack]

I only wanted to stop his advances. I didn't mean to kill him... Fahria's screams still haunt me. How is it fair that I get to experience this sort of intimacy while she lost her beloved?

It isn't selfish to want to live, Dohalim. [Gepard does squash that idea quite immediately, the words sharp and firm.] I sincerely doubt that this guilt would be lost on Tarnigen in the event that he had done the same. The fact that you had to make that decision at all... tells me more than the report ever did.

[He's old enough, experienced enough, to know that something bad happened - and he's experienced enough to know that it isn't easy to accept. Even without knowing the details, let alone Dohalim's reason for keeping some of them private, he can understand the man's want to take this guilt onto himself.]

Everyone has a reason for the actions they take. They weigh the risks, and they act on them. Questioning it doesn't make it easier to see why someone should be without their beloved, and it doesn't help you to ease the burden for yourself or provide closure to any side. The same is as true of Tarnigen as it is of a defector who chooses to attack a Lord for the sake of their family. [There's no attempt to shadow the depth of that - it's well known that rebels and defectors rarely do so out of some abstract, evil concept, and yet they must be dealt with appropriately nonetheless.] I know that it's a hollow comfort, but it's all I can offer. You needn't carry this weight alone. If you try, it may just bury you - especially since you're also carrying Fahria's pain and anguish on your own shoulders.

Edited 2023-09-11 08:53 (UTC)

It's selfish when he had the determination to win when I didn't. We all know I didn't even want to compete for the title.

[it's no secret among them that Dohalim would have preferred to stay on Lenegis, to pursue music and the arts instead of ruling over a realm. but the tone Gepard takes for just that moment is almost enough for Dohalim to recoil just a little, but with the captain pressed so close to him, it's virtually impossible for him to pull away at all.

but what he can do is hide his face from Gepard's view as he buries it against the crook of the blond's neck, sighing softly. he says he doesn't need to carry this weight, this guilt alone. but it's not right for him to rely on someone else to carry it with him. not when he alone was the one who committed the act and torn down a bright future. the roles should have been reversed, and not a day goes by that Dohalim thinks he should have just yielded to Tarnigen]

It is my burden to bear. If it buries me...

[this is probably the first time they've spoken about this since Dohalim had descended to Dahna; there was some unspoken agreement not to talk about it. but now that it's out in the open again... he should try to bury this conversation again, somehow. this isn't the time or place to have it]

It wasn't ideal, I know... but that doesn't change my mind. If it is selfish to be glad that you still stand, when the reality is that you could have been dealt the same hand... then perhaps I'm more selfish than most.

[His voice has already softened again; he doesn't intend to demand anything, but he can't accept that idea. That somehow, wanting to live at another's expense is selfish... it's just life.

Gepard reaches up to run fingers through his hair, eyes closing lightly. This is clearly a heavy topic for the redhead, but... he hopes, at least, that speaking about it can help ease a little of it.]

I have no intention of letting it bury you without complaint, Dohalim. I'll support your every effort, but you are... far too important to me to just give up on. Especially now.

[It's a small acknowledgement, a certainty that there really is no going back from this. For better or worse, their relationship has changed... and for better or worse, Dohalim has attached himself to one of the most protective people alive.]

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