eggbowl | [Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.

honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]

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[Gepard settles in against Dohalim without an ounce of protest. The redhead's arms are warm around his waist, and his whole body is much the same, soothing a different sort of ache than the water.

It's... honestly, just these little moments are worth everything. He's still worried about what will happen in the future, of course, but it's easy to set it aside for now.b his hands slide over Do's, thumb brushing over the back of one as a little shiver draws through him.]

Just... for giving me this chance. Maybe it's unnecessary to you, but I just... [He pauses, trying to think through his words. They still feel a little jumbled, and some things are just too painful to talk about.] I can't help but feel a little lucky, even in the face of everything that's happened recently. Moreover, you've been patient with me, especially in light of my... inadequacies. It... just means a lot to me.

[as Gepard speaks, Dohalim peppers the softest of kisses along the back of his neck and down his shoulder, before resting his chin there. he hadn't realised that this really did mean a lot to him, when he himself had been acting on feelings and emotions that he's held in for so long. it makes him wonder, especially when it seems that Gepard had... almost expected him not to be so patient]

Of course... Did you really expect me to bend you to my will and not take into consideration your own inexperience?

[his voice doesn't hold any admonition; it's simply a question. he could never... not to anyone, but especially Gepard. he'll admit, if the other mad had decided to stop him in the middle of everything, he would have been disappointed, but would also have stopped immediately. this was his first intimate experience; Dohalim didn't want to mar that in any way. and he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he made this a bad experience for Gepard]

I... don't really know what I expected.

[the pause is perhaps too long; he'd claim it was just the reaction to Dohalim's soft kisses, the sweet brush of lips over his neck and shoulder, but... well, it's hard to say. he's glad, then, that they're settled in this way - it makes it harder for the redhead to see the way his gaze flicks off into the distance.]

I didn't expect you to be unkind, to be clear. If anything, I was afraid you would perhaps be impatient, realising how little I knew. But I would never expect you to do anything without my permission, that isn't how you are.

[the words are so carefully chosen, mild but a little distant. it's something he doesn't register as strange at all, but to someone used to keeping secrets - and who keeps them better than the blond ever has - Do might find himself staring at an indication of some kind of unpleasant memory. he can at least stay relaxed within the memory that this is a different time, a different place, and that he's with Dohalim, not... elsewhere. the last thing he wants is to distress the other man when they're meant to be relaxing.]

[as someone so experienced in hiding full truths from others, Dohalim can almost hear and feel that distance in Gepard's voice. perhaps he could just brush it off as the man just gathering his thoughts and putting them into coherency, but... no, this is different. it's a little worrying, but then again, when has he never worried about Gepard?

lifting a hand up slowly, Dohalim lets his palm rest on the blond's chest, right over his heart. a small reassurance, to remind Gepard in whatever thought he's stuck in that he's still with him]

Geppie... [Dohalim sighs softly, leaning in to press another soft kiss to his neck] I have nothing but an abundance of patience for you. You do not have to worry about that with me.

With that being said... If there is anything you wish to get off your chest... I would not mind lending an ear.

[if Gepard doesn't want to talk, then Dohalim won't push the issue, nor call him out on it. that would be entirely hypocritical, especially when he himself would rather compartmentalise his own unpleasant memories than talk about them]

[Gepard lifts his hand to cover Dohalim's, keeping that warmth between them and letting his fingers lace loosely between the other's. It's... he likes that. Gentle, even a little romantic, and isn't that just both of them?]

I know. I just worried that, as someone a fair bit older and... with my personality... well, you would want more, as you deserve. Maybe it sounds silly, but that's the reality.

[His gaze falls down to their hands, resting so comfortably over his chest. Anything he wants to say... Gepard has kept more than enough to himself, but what Dohalim is alluding to now is both harder to keep quiet and harder still to find the words to explain.]

I... I'm not sure how to explain. Honestly, I don't know why the memory has lingered in the first place - nothing came of it, after all.

[and since his return from that cycle of the Crown Contest, he'd not seen that Lord again anyway. It was as if he vanished... but that's also something he can't bring himself to worry Dohalim over. He'll find a way to make sure no harm comes to him.]

You needn't worry about me, Do.

I always worry about you.

[no matter how many times Gepard tells Dohalim not to worry, it only manages to increase tenfold. he well knows that if one says not to worry that there is definitely grounds to raise concern, and with what Gepard had prefaced it with, it's a sort of worry that grips him.

he said nothing came out of it, but still. he wants to know what happened]

While you do not need to explain anything... I am here to offer any sort of support. I hope you can confide in me, but if you wish not to, then I won't be upset.

[again, it would be hypocritical of him to get upset if Gepard doesn't want to say anything else on the subject]

I would like to remind you that worrying is my job.

[He laughs as he says it, though he does feel that way. It's still hard to lean on anyone, especially knowing what his history is. But it's not fair, is it? Just leaving Do in the dark is... cruel, probably.]

It's... how do I even begin...

[sighing, he leans back against Dohalim more fully, eyes closing in contemplation. What's the worst that could happen?]

It was just another Lord overstepping his bounds. I suspect he was... quite high on the power he held... and so he forgot who he was talking to.

[It's still so vague, but at least the picture is slowly coming into focus.]

[it's easier to make the connections then, the anvil sized hints painting a picture he wouldn't wish even on his worst enemy]

Did he lay his hands on you?

[Dohalim's voice takes on a tone that's rare to hear; it's low and dangerous, and almost promising bodily harm to whoever it's directed to. he has to wonder if his sisters know about this; though to be fair, if Serval did know, he would have definitely heard of a lord's assassination as she would have made sure he was nothing but a burn mark on the floor once she was done with him.

but it also makes him feel a little self conscious - is he no better than that lord? to have acted on desires such as this, to take Gepard to bed with him... the blond was slightly inebriated when he asked if he could... one could view that as taking advantage of a vulnerable state, even if Gepard said yes.

Dohalim is compelled to let go of the other man, to give him some space as he's reminded of their positions. is his presence a catalyst for that memory? he isn't sure. but... he also doesn't want to let go of Gepard, but to hold him even closer, to show him affection in the light of this confession]

Dohalim...

[Gepard doesn't answer immediately, just because his instinct is to soothe that anger, the danger in his voice. Shifting, the blond curls a hand around the darker man's arm, fingers soothing gently over skin.]

I'm fine, he didn't do anything that egregious. Perhaps because I think I shattered his nose in response.

[squeezing gently, Gepard gives Dohalim no real way to give him space. He's leaning quite comfortably on him, gaze turning down briefly to the water.]

It's... why I hesitated, when I remembered our positions. I don't... I don't want to think about that time, of course - but I don't want you to think it's why I'm here, either.

[He'd hesitate to even call himself tipsy before, given how much of his blush had just been because of Do... but still.]

I don't want to let go of this... of you. It's selfish, I know; you deserve so much, and I... I'm afraid I won't be able to give it all to you, somehow.

[there's some lingering anger there, but at least Dohalim does let out a small snort against Gepard's shoulder. he should have known the captain wouldn't have let himself be put in such an inappropriate position and be defenseless against it]

That is... Very like you. I'm surprised he hadn't called for your execution, or banishment from the realm.

[then again, the lord must have wanted to save face (whatever was left of it, at least). had it come out that he was being untoward with one of his guardsmen... Dohalim is sure he would have wanted to avoid the repercussions of his actions. though, maybe he thought he could really get away with it... Dohalim thinks him brave, to be honest, to go after a Landau, of all people; if Gepard hadn't put him back in his place, Serval definitely would have.

but what Gepard says next makes Dohalim feel a little guilty. he'd only intended to throw his title around as a joke between them, not wanting it to be taken literally. but now that he knows the other man's truth, he can't help but feel awful that he wasn't more considerate with his own words]

I... Apologise. I shouldn't have said something so inconsiderate, without thinking about what effects my words could have on you.

[he'd always been like that, saying things before thinking them through. and this time, he managed to dredge up an unpleasant memory that he's sure Gepard wouldn't have wanted to think about, especially in the heat of passion.

but it does come to a surprise when Gepard admits wanting to keep... whatever it is they have between them now. Dohalim pulls him closer, arms wrapped around him tightly, almost clinging onto him]

You... Do not need to give me anything at all. You think I deserve much, but even this... Whatever this is... I don't deserve even this much.

I think he was more frightened of the repercussions within his guard, if I'm honest.

[not just a Landau, but someone like Gepard - it's like as not that the word never got out how the injury had happened. Perhaps Serval knew, even if he'd never told her... the bond between them always seemed strongest when times were hard. He himself doesn't know, just as he doesn't know what sparked the man to try.]

You had no reason to know there could be a problem. I know... I knew it was a joke even when you spoke it, after all. [His fingers squeeze gently over Dohalim's arm again.] I could never mistake you for someone like that. If I'm honest... I don't know why it made me think of it at all.

[He's always thought that he's... at least acceptable when it comes to putting things behind him. If he wasn't, then his past would weigh on him more, wouldn't it? Even so, it happened. And as Dohalim pulls him closer, Gepard attempts to bury his thoughts in that space, where he's warm, loved... it doesn't completely stay the wonder of where he'd be if that hadn't been enough to stop the lord's advances. Even so, it's enough. It doesn't matter where he would be - he's here now.]

You are exceptionally hard on yourself, Dohalim... you have always deserved more than you have. I know that it's difficult to believe, with everything that happened, and I can understand why you feel the guilt you do. But... you lost a friend, too. I can't imagine it was an easy decision.

[a hand rises to trail fingers over Dohalim's cheek, leaving just a faint trace of water as they go.]

If you deserve nothing for your decisions, then it stands to reason that... the same is true of myself, you see.

It wasn't a simple decision, but a selfish act of self preservation. I've robbed him of his future. Both his and Fahria's.

[had he let Tarnigen win, then maybe the both of them would have come out of the competition alive. sure, perhaps their friendship would have been strained, but at least he and Fahria would have been able to get married. Dohalim had omitted some of the facts, some of what had transpired between them. the fact that Tarnigen, in a fit of desperation, had tried to use astral artes during a test of pure physical combat, that he tried to cheat... but no one needed to know that. especially none in their (former) circle of friends.

this is his own burden to bear, after all. if he could just compartmentalise it...

as damp fingers trail down his face, Dohalim leans into the touch slightly. despite Gepard's station as a captain of his guard, and despite the slight roughness of his hands that are synonymous with a fierce fighter such as he is, the touch is warm, kind, soothing. it doesn't quite quell the simmering storm threatening to overtake his mind like it does from time to time, but it does calm him down some, enough to talk about the events without sending him into a full blown panic attack]

I only wanted to stop his advances. I didn't mean to kill him... Fahria's screams still haunt me. How is it fair that I get to experience this sort of intimacy while she lost her beloved?

It isn't selfish to want to live, Dohalim. [Gepard does squash that idea quite immediately, the words sharp and firm.] I sincerely doubt that this guilt would be lost on Tarnigen in the event that he had done the same. The fact that you had to make that decision at all... tells me more than the report ever did.

[He's old enough, experienced enough, to know that something bad happened - and he's experienced enough to know that it isn't easy to accept. Even without knowing the details, let alone Dohalim's reason for keeping some of them private, he can understand the man's want to take this guilt onto himself.]

Everyone has a reason for the actions they take. They weigh the risks, and they act on them. Questioning it doesn't make it easier to see why someone should be without their beloved, and it doesn't help you to ease the burden for yourself or provide closure to any side. The same is as true of Tarnigen as it is of a defector who chooses to attack a Lord for the sake of their family. [There's no attempt to shadow the depth of that - it's well known that rebels and defectors rarely do so out of some abstract, evil concept, and yet they must be dealt with appropriately nonetheless.] I know that it's a hollow comfort, but it's all I can offer. You needn't carry this weight alone. If you try, it may just bury you - especially since you're also carrying Fahria's pain and anguish on your own shoulders.

Edited 2023-09-11 08:53 (UTC)

It's selfish when he had the determination to win when I didn't. We all know I didn't even want to compete for the title.

[it's no secret among them that Dohalim would have preferred to stay on Lenegis, to pursue music and the arts instead of ruling over a realm. but the tone Gepard takes for just that moment is almost enough for Dohalim to recoil just a little, but with the captain pressed so close to him, it's virtually impossible for him to pull away at all.

but what he can do is hide his face from Gepard's view as he buries it against the crook of the blond's neck, sighing softly. he says he doesn't need to carry this weight, this guilt alone. but it's not right for him to rely on someone else to carry it with him. not when he alone was the one who committed the act and torn down a bright future. the roles should have been reversed, and not a day goes by that Dohalim thinks he should have just yielded to Tarnigen]

It is my burden to bear. If it buries me...

[this is probably the first time they've spoken about this since Dohalim had descended to Dahna; there was some unspoken agreement not to talk about it. but now that it's out in the open again... he should try to bury this conversation again, somehow. this isn't the time or place to have it]

It wasn't ideal, I know... but that doesn't change my mind. If it is selfish to be glad that you still stand, when the reality is that you could have been dealt the same hand... then perhaps I'm more selfish than most.

[His voice has already softened again; he doesn't intend to demand anything, but he can't accept that idea. That somehow, wanting to live at another's expense is selfish... it's just life.

Gepard reaches up to run fingers through his hair, eyes closing lightly. This is clearly a heavy topic for the redhead, but... he hopes, at least, that speaking about it can help ease a little of it.]

I have no intention of letting it bury you without complaint, Dohalim. I'll support your every effort, but you are... far too important to me to just give up on. Especially now.

[It's a small acknowledgement, a certainty that there really is no going back from this. For better or worse, their relationship has changed... and for better or worse, Dohalim has attached himself to one of the most protective people alive.]

I...

[Dohalim sighs softly, lifting his head up and pulling back just a little to lean the back of his head against the edge of the tub. eyes trail up to the ceiling, following patterns of gilded golds and blue hues, before letting them slip closed]

...I should stop pivoting the conversation onto me.

[weren't they just talking about what had happened between Gepard and the previous lord? when did this conversation flip to him? ah, he's being selfish again; and this isn't even the first time this has happened today.

he's already starting to compartmentalise all of his thoughts and feelings again, trying to hide what little is left from Gepard before even that is laid out in the open. he doesn't need the memory of his first few days in Menancia, and how badly the wails of the Dahnan people had affected him so to be picked apart as well]

You needn't change anything for me. I would much rather hear your feelings than to be ignorant of them.

[Gepard shifts; there's plenty of space, if he was only willing to part from Do more. Still, at least he can sort of see the redhead better.]

I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to bring your mood down. But there's really nothing else you need to worry about for me, you know. It just... occurred to me that if he hadn't changed his mind... the reality is that I, as a servant of the Lord's laws, may not have been able to say no. That didn't happen, so it's... fine, really.

I would rather think about the present and future than the past. And... you owe me no explanations about your own circumstances and choices. No choice you make will change how I view you. It never has. I want to support you, and I want to stay by your side.

[He's feeling much better too, the dwindling warmth of the bath doing an excellent job on worn muscles.]

He may not have pushed you further, but the fact remains: he could have. And that... It irks me.

[Gepard may say that he prefers not to think about the past, but Dohalim... he's the opposite. it isn't that he likes thinking about past events, it's more that he can't help but focus on them. it's a fault of his and he's at least self aware enough to realise this.

but just hearing the man talk about wanting to stay by his side, and not because of formality and his duty, but because he truly wants to... it's so different from what Fahria had said to him... Avakhir was more quiet on the subject, but he could see the betrayal in his eyes as well. perhaps... it was for the best that he'd gone with her instead; he'd already ripped one person away from Fahria, and she needed all the support she could have gotten. even if that meant leaving him alone...]

I... Am glad. That you didn't leave me alone like Fahria and Avakhir. You could have resigned your post here as soon as I had taken the lordship, but you didn't.

Why does it irk you?

[It's an earnest question. Dohalim wasn't even on Dahna when it happened, and even if he had been, what would it have mattered? Gepard can understand the frustration if it had happened, but... they're just both so different, in that way.

He does smile as Do speaks again, fingers squeezing an arm again. For him, it's a simple enough task... but he knows he's not most.]

I could never leave you like that. As much as I understand them... I also can't condone just abandoning someone, especially after an inconclusive examination.

[Exhaling a soft sigh, he tilts his head back and closes his eyes.]

But... then again, perhaps that's my own bias talking too. I want to see you flourish, and I want to help you in any way I can. No matter what your ambitions... it makes me happy to be by your side.

There is nothing inconclusive about what happened. I killed him, that's all there is to it.

[Dohalim sighs heavily, shaking his head. Gepard can draw his own conclusions and assumptions about the trials, but nothing will change the truth of the matter]

You say you want to see me flourish when all I feel like is a wilted flower.

[this is the most honest he's been with someone in so long. perhaps it's because he's always been closer to Gepard than anyone else, and that he finally has someone to get things off his chest, but... it seems like he's still holding back. it's like he's almost afraid of what the other man might think if he really knew what was going through his head, and the thoughts he constantly has]

And yet, there is division about why.

[Gepard has no interest in trivialising the loss of life, of course - it's just that survivor's guilt is insidious, and he still thinks... well, it doesn't matter.]

Dohalim...

[this time, he does shift more purposefully. Careful not to jostle the redhead too much, every effort is gentle as Gepard turns himself around. He's feeling much better thanks to the heat of the water, and he just... can't help himself. The need to reverse their positions, to pull Do into his lap and hold him close, is just too strong.]

Come here... you owe me no explanations, but I can't help you more if I don't understand. Just... believe me when I say that nothing will change how I feel. I don't imagine it can be easy for you to have no one to talk to, but I won't push you, either. When you're ready, I'll be here.

[as Gepard switches positions and holds him close, Dohalim makes a small sound as he's moved around, slightly surprised that he's now in the other man's lap. but... it feels nice, being held in such a way, when he so lacks a comforting touch like this. resting the side of his head on Gepard's shoulder, he wraps an arm around his back, fingers pressing lightly against soft skin]

It... Isn't a matter of not having anyone to talk to. ["even though it does contribute to it" goes unsaid] It's more... I am the lord of this realm. I cannot talk about my past grievances without...

[Dohalim falls silent for a moment; when he speaks again, his voice is lowered, as if worried that someone might overhear them]

I cannot let anyone know that I never wanted this position. Nor can I step down from it. I could care less for what the Renan people would think of me, but if a new lord were to replace me, I fear for what Menancia would revert back to.

[it's so painfully clear that Dohalim is carrying so much on his shoulders, and he has every intention of making sure that Gepard doesn't have a way to try to shoulder some of that burden with him]

[Gepard's fingers soothe over Dohalim's back as he settles in, and admittedly he's glad he did. There was always a risk that it would be too much, somewhere in his mind.

But as the other man speaks, finally giving words to his reasons for keeping quiet all this time, he can... well, he can understand it. Much like his own thoughts, spoken to carefully into the open air of the surrounding land, there are just... things that Renans couldn't understand as a whole. They are ultimately two very caring people - though Dohalim hides his behind his guilt - who are dissatisfied with their general lack of power in spite of their roles.]

... you can trust me with this knowledge. [His voice is soft and quiet in turn, echoing the need for proper privacy.] Perhaps we cannot work toward that goal just yet, but... if this position is too heavy for you... then perhaps we can find a way to alleviate it. You are already an unconventional lord, after all.

There would be those who look on the decisions with distaste... but that's a reality we already have, after all. I can deal with that.

[The dissatisfied Renans have been a thorn in his side, personally, since they can so easily blend in to the new normal. All their negativity can turn just when things are safe for it, to recruit more dissatisfaction to the cause in the guise of understanding.]

I... [tilting his head, Gepard presses his lips to the corner of Do's own briefly.] for now... just let me be a refuge from your title. Right now, you don't need to be anything more than Dohalim, the young Renan I happen to be quite fond of. I apologize for causing you so much distress when I want nothing more than to just be with you.

I am not that much younger than you, you know.

[Dohalim's voice is still soft, muffled as he buries his face in Gepard's neck. the thought of... simply putting aside his title, his responsibilities and duties, to be selfish for a moment as to indulge in a life he could have been if it weren't for the Crown Contest... it honestly unnerves him. for the last several years, it's all he's known, it's the only constant role. perhaps it's because he'd killed Tarnigen that he couldn't just give up on the lordship, that his death would be in vain if he just... ran away from the duty. from the start, he'd only accepted the lordship to live out a life his friend could not]

Is it truly alright? To simply forget my title for a moment of respite from its duties?

[there's a certain exhaustion in his voice not heard by anyone else before when he says those words, as if holding back on his emotions for so long. sure, Dohalim has had moments where he can relax in his own time, but his mind is constantly spinning when it comes to his rule. it's not like he can really turn himself off from being a lord so easily]

Would you rather I called you an old man, Dohalim? I do still like to think of myself as relatively young, you know.

[amusement colors his words, and warm fingers draw up to knead the back of his head. He's gone through so much, even with others handling much of the physical... and more still weighs on him from before. It's no wonder that Dohalim is so hard on himself, he thinks.]

It's alright. You're not letting anyone down by taking respite. Well... not anyone viewing you in good faith. Your duties are different from ours, but your need to escape from time to time is the same.

[His other arm squeezes gently, holding Do to him as he is.]

... and, I suppose... I'm selfish. I want to lie with you, not the Lord of Menancia. I will carry the secret of this respite to the grave, if you so wish... I cannot overstate how much I would do for you, as yourself.

[hearing his troubles, Gepard truly does wish he could alleviate them, could find a way to covertly lift Do's burdens such that he can help carry them. His own traumas are many, but he's always been able to handle them within the solidarity of his unit...]

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