eggbowl | [Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.

honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]

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[Gepard pauses long enough to assure the guards that he'll be fine, that there was just something Dohalim needed to do outside the city and that it's time-sensitive. it's enough of a truth that he doesn't stumble through it, particularly as he promises he'll let them know if anything does come up.

as he follows in the Lord's footsteps, he wonders if he should really even join him. the need to comfort him is strong, but if his presence is causing an issue, isn't that a sign he should keep his distance? he's still wrestling it as Dohalim disappears into the trees in that mountainside spot.

in the end, he decides to wait a minute or two, taking a breath in as he approaches.]

Dohalim...?

[making sure his voice carries, he's slow in coming around the corner, trying not to frighten him or make things any worse.]

If you want me to leave, I'll leave, but you don't have to be alone right now...

[his concern is plain, and it only occurs to him now that he'd left his shield. it should be fine - even if they have to fight, it's not like he can't survive without it. Dohalim is the only thing that matters to him right now.]

[Dohalim almost jumps out of his skin as soon as he hears Gepard's voice; he spins on his heel to face the man, eyes widened. he's still trying to calm his breathing down, to no avail, and it's making him dizzy. with how close he is to the cliffside, it might prove to be dangerous. but where else can he go; with the captain in front of him, he's basically trapped. does he want him to leave, now that he's here? or does he want him to stay? his mind spirals, back to what Kelzalik had said, what he'd accused, and if what he says is true, then he may as well let himself fall off the edge.

but he doesn't move from his spot, hand reaching up to press against his chest in a futile attempt to even out his breath, fingers curled around the eagle splayed across his front. everything seems so heavy a burden, all of a sudden; his duty, his decisions, the accusations made against his close friends and his lover. even his clothes are starting to feel like weights, and all he wants is to crumple under all of it]

I don't... I don't know what I want...

[it's the first time he's felt a panic this strong since descending own to Dahna; the first time he'd felt this way in Menancia was when he heard the screams of pain and torment from the Dahnans themselves. he hid it so well until he got to his room, and even with the doors shut, he could hear them. the anxiety had gripped him, rooted him to the spot that he couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't act. much like now...]

... it's okay. Breathe, Dohalim.

[the progression of it only propels Gepard forward, to gently pull the other to his chest. really, if he'd wanted anything, he wouldn't have had to really try - but that doesn't matter. all that matters to him is being here, a stable heartbeat and warm body for the other renan to cling to. slowly, he leads him to sit down right where they are, finding Do's free hand to twine their fingers.]

Just keep breathing. It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to not know what to do. I'm not going anywhere, so just take your time.

[he's certainly no stranger to that predicament...]

[the coolness of Gepard's armour does soothe Dohalim for a moment, paired with warm hands that hold him close. but he can still feel how tense he is, hand still gripping onto the ornament on his chest, while his other arm is wrapped around himself, as if to try to keep himself from falling apart completely. he hadn't felt his anxiety this intensely in so long that it's making him dizzy, and he's thankful that Gepard has the sense to lower the both of them down to sit. the blond's hand finds his; fingers grip onto his hand tightly despite the worry of Gepard's true intentions. he doesn't want to believe Kelzalik's words and accusations, both on Gepard's and Serval's parts, but what if they're true? what if he really should take his warnings to heart?

but it's Gepard... he'd known the Landaus for so long that it just can't be plausable... right?

Dohalim buries his face in the crook of the other Renan's neck, breathing heavily against it; he just can't seem to calm himself down and swirling thoughts in his head aren't helping in the slightest, either. is it really okay for him not to have an answer to this problem right from the get go? he's supposed to be a lord; there's no room for uncertainty. as for his fear... that should never be allowed to see the light of day, especially in the face of his people]

It... It is not alright... I can't... I cannot be afraid, and I cannot be uncertain. I must make a decision on how to proceed, but I just... I don't know what to think...

[His other hand soothes through Dohalim's hair, holding him close. It's... inconvenient, when he's trying to calm the man, to be unable to talk about Serval. Laughable, really, how much of his current stability is directly her doing. Without her, he'd still be a soft little boy, crying over every loss and every scolding.

... Dohalim doesn't know that side of him, though.]

You're not omniscient, Dohalim. This isn't a decision you need to rush right now... [If he'd wanted to, if there was any terrible intent in his heart, it would be so easy to act... but then again, Gepard can see in Kelzalik, after those accusations levied at him, why that's not always reliable.] But if it were me, I would let the guard do it, and detain all relevant suspects.

An accused should be removed from their post, to ensure no tampering of evidence can happen. Anyone closely related would similarly be excused. A direct claim has been laid against my sister... and another implied against me. It's rational, even if you harbor no question of my innocence, to proceed this way. To do so proves your lack of favoritism, and your commitment to the pursuit of justice.

I have nothing to hide, and your potential worry brings me no offense; without proof on either side, it's impossible to know who to choose.

[for Gepard to say it so straightforwardly, to put it out into the world for Dohalim to make a decision on only makes him want to retreat even more. the thought of pulling another captain away from the guard, to detain a friend-- a lover of his because of an accusation... this is Gepard's livelihood they're talking about and for him to say all of that without pause...]

I can't let the guards lose another captain, and I certainly can't have you detained.

[it's such precarious position to be in, for the both of them, and it's something Dohalim doesn't want to face. what if he makes the wrong decision? what if Gepard ends up falsely prosecuted? or what if he was blinded by his attachment to him and the worst case scenario comes to light? he's so unsure of what to do and what to say, but it's also like he can't stay up on the mountainside stuck in this loop of despair.

taking several deep breaths, he lifts his head back up, hand on his chest dropping to his lap. the absolute fear on his face is now gone, replaced by a seemingly calm, if not blank look now, one of his many masks he'd learn to throw on to hide his true feelings. he's a lord, after all. even if it's Gepard, it's still unbecoming to show such raw emotion in front of his people]

However, I suppose you're right. I cannot let my own emotions cloud my judgement.

[it's hard, watching him pick himself up and put his mask on. the sheer necessity of it is just too much, and Gepard's smile is wan, wry even. they're alone out here, and still he can't show it...

but then, if Dohalim harbours even a little doubt, it's fair enough. he wishes endlessly that he had a better option, something to suggest, but he doesn't.]

Then... if it works better, you could claim something of a... vacation, a break. Say that Serval's departure has affected me more than expected, and I'll need to rest for a few days. [it's not as if he's not rattled by the accusation Kelzalik made, even though he has every reason to assume the man is trying to distance the Landaus from Dohalim for... some reason.] My men can survive without me for a little while, especially in this time of relative peace.

I am sorry for having to rationalise it this way... but I have no intention of lying to you about how I feel. I'm no advisor, but... I know we'll get through this, as we have with every crisis that's arisen before now.

[while that excuse may work, the idea that he won't be able to see Gepard, or the fact that Kelzalik would try to distance the both of them doesn't sit well with him. there's something in Dohalim's eyes that reflects that, despite his calm demeanor, and the way he wrings his hands in his lap nervously. the very thought of being away from the blond almost leaves him breathless, gasping for air, his heart pounding in his chest. they'd only just reciprocated their feelings for each other and now...]

Will I still be able to see you, then? Or would that be unwise?

[Dohalim's voice is soft, apprehensive, as if the mere suggestion was a taboo. he doesn't know if Gepard intends to stay away while Kelzalik's accusations are investigated, but he doesn't want that. he doesn't want to have to roam the halls of Autelina Palace by himself. he doesn't want to entertain the idea that he won't be able to see Gepard waiting on him with that soft, adoring smile on his face. he still wants to feel his warmth, his strength, but if they have to remain apart...

he lets out a shuddering sigh, bringing his hands up to rub at his face. even if it's just the both of them, Dohalim can't let his true emotions out, even though he desperately wants to]

I don't intend to leave you alone, Dohalim. I wouldn't do that to you. Even if the best choice is that I should remain on arrest somewhere... you are free to visit me anytime.

[he reaches out then, gently placing his hands over one of the other's, warm and calm as his thumb brushes the back of it.. it doesn't escape him that this is exceptionally hard for the Lord, and his heart breaks to see it.]

I'm here with you, always. You should not be punished for claims someone else has made. This investigation is on your terms, no one else's.

We both know that Kelzalik will make up any excuse to keep me away from you, especially with the accusations he's made against you.

[while he does respect his advisor and everything he's aided him with (and accepting so easily the implementation of coexistence in Menancia), even he'll admit that lately, he's been a little... too comfortable with his words. Dohalim is sure he's only making suggestions to better the realm and his rule over it, but... perhaps he's thinking too much on it.

Dohalim drops his hands again, this time grasping at Gepard's fingers. the blond can most likely feel the tremor in his hold; while his outward appearance doesn't show much of his anxiety anymore, it's clear just in his hold that it still has him in a vice grip]

I wish... I wish I could just forget about all of this. About my position, about this situation. I wish I could just... Run from my duties. It would be easier than facing them head on, wouldn't it...

It's true... but you are far more clever than he.

[it's rude to Kelzalik, but he doesn't hold the same need to be kind in his presumptions. the man had claimed that he knew of Serval's supposed treachery, which he sincerely doubts...

his other hand moves to cover Dohalim's when they grasp at his fingers, rubbing his thumb over the back of one. it's as much soothing as he can give under the circumstances, as he listens to him speak.]

... it is easier in the short term, but I think you would feel similar guilt running from everything. [sighing softly, he leans in to rest his forehead against Dohalim's.] I can't offer a full escape, but... if you'd like, we can speak on it when this is all over.

If it's a break from the heaviness of your duties you need... that may at least be something we can offer, then.

[fully severing him from it would be much more work, but they ought to start one step at a time anyway. Gepard wants to protect him as much as he wants to protect all of the citizens, perhaps more still.]

It is not just my duties I need a break from, it's... Everything. I think the accusations made against you and Serval was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Dohalim knows that he'd gone into his position with... not the most stable mind to begin with, but once he'd silenced those wails of despair, he'd been able to maintain himself to the point where no one would notice what was going on in his head. it was easier to push back certain thoughts and tuck them away in a corner of his mind, but now, it seems like they're all starting to bubble over.

sighing softly, he leans against Gepard, eyes slipping closed as he basks in the other man's warmth. despite those accusations, and despite the fact that he should be wary of being alone with him, he can't help but still feel some sort of comfort from his presence. it's not enough to wash away everything for the moment, but it's enough to calm himself down some]

As for running away... Isn't that what I'm best at? I would rather avoid confrontation than face it head on.

You had finally begun to allow yourself to have something... it's a reasonable response in regards to the allegations.

[His hands continue their motions, gently soothing over Dohalim's back as the other leans into him. There's only so much he can offer, but he'd give anything for the man.]

To separate you from all of this... it would be a tricky process, of course. I'm loathe to tell you to remain in a space that causes you pain... but I don't want to make suggestions when you're still not sure what the truth is. [unlike Kelzalik, Gepard doesn't have an agenda to uphold.]

Avoiding confrontation isn't always running away, Dohalim. It's natural to want to avoid it, to seek peaceful ways to exist... at least, I think it is. Even I would rather not have confrontations. But... to me, you are a man of many talents. You may not be able to see them or do them as often anymore, but I'm always impressed by what you do.

[It's not that he makes no mistakes, either - but those mistakes feel small next to everything else. Smaller still next to all the good he's done.]

[it's dangerous, treading this particular thought process, to give Dohalim a moment to even think about stepping down from his position. on the one hand, it really is human nature to want to separate himself from something that, for the most part, had done nothing but torment him in silence, but there are so many reasons as to why he just... can't]

...You should not indulge me into thinking about stepping down as lord. You and I both know that it simply is not feasible.

[with how close an eye Lenegis and the entire empire are probably keeping on Dahna and the crown contest, it's a topic that shouldn't be talked about out loud, even if they're both alone. he just has has to endure for a little bit longer, then he can step down peacefully. it's all he can hope for; he doubts that, even if the Dahnans are more motivated to work, he'd be a shoe-in for the sovereignty.

shifting around, Dohalim tilts his head down to rest his forehead against Gepard's shoulder, just wanting to be a little closer. all caution is thrown to the wind now; he doesn't care if the blond really does want to do anything to him. if he does... then at least he can have this moment of bliss. and really, if Gepard really did want to kill him, then would it be so bad...?]

...We should get back to the city soon, before the guards start to fret.

... I suppose you're right. It isn't really so simple, after all... [Gepard, as is his wont, only shifts to pull Dohalim in a little closer. the idea of being apart from him is... unpleasant, but he'll do what he must. he always has.] At the very least, we can perhaps plan for the future, after the contest's end.

[he doesn't want to let go. he doesn't want to return, in that moment, contrary to every vow he'd ever made. to leave his beloved like this, to know that they'll have to be so exceptionally careful—it's a lot to ask the Lord, too.]

... Yes, of course. I did let them know that we would be out for a time, so they should at least not be worrying too much yet.

[leaning in, Gepard pauses, then just brushes the backs of his knuckles against Dohalim's cheek. if he goes any further, there's no guarantee that he would be able to stop and bring him back home soon enough.]

[Dohalim yearns for more than those gentle touches, loathing the fact that Gepard is being so cautious and hesitant. they both need to be so careful, now, it seems, especially when he himself is still so unsure about everything. he shouldn't even be alone up on the mountainside with someone who's accused of being an accomplice to his betrayal, but... how could he push Gepard away? how could he, when all he wants is to be so close to him, to never part from him?

thoughts shift back to the idea that this could all be a ruse to lure him into a false sense of security, before Gepard strikes, but again, Dohalim finds himself with the same train of thought as before. death... would be a permanent relief from his duties, after all...

not wanting to think on that anymore, he leans in to press his lips against the blond's, hand coming up to rest on his shoulder, as if to keep him from pulling away. if it seems like Dohalim's grip is a little desperate, it might just be his imagination, maybe]

[He'd been the one to suggest distance, but as their lips meet again, Gepard also can't bring himself to pull away. If he could, he would covet this man, take him away from every painful memory...

Do's name is a murmur on his lips as a hand grips his shoulder, his own slipping around his hips to pull him closer. It's unfair; his control is tested on a good day, so knowing he has to let go eventually? Awful, truly.]

... if we don't stop— [His voice is breathy and thick, lips pressing to lips again and again.] I'm afraid I'll get too demanding. I already don't want to go... not when I have to be apart from you.

[He'll follow Do's decision, in the end. Pull away or throw it all to the wind, whatever the choice.]

[Dohalim doesn't even try to stop Gepard, giving into those kisses and ignoring his words. if they really have to part ways while his investigation, once launched, is ongoing, then he'll make the most of it right now. and if this is Gepard's way of tearing down all of his defenses before striking, then he'll just have to accept it. at least, if the guardsman does have some sort of nefarious plan, then at least, he can enjoy this last moment]

Take what you want from me, then. Be demanding...

[who is he to deny the both of them? perhaps he's being too cavalier at the face of everything that's been said in the palace, but... Gepard really couldn't be planning something, could he? not when he's so affectionate, so loving, so caring...]

Dohalim...

[Gepard's hands cradle the redhead's jaw, gently keeping him in place for each kiss (as if he was moving), warmly drawing him in before guiding him back onto the ground. It's... inelegant, probably, the idea of taking him here and now... but he wants it anyway.

If they have to part, then don't they at least deserve something to hold onto in the interim?]

Do... [His name is a breathy sigh, a repeated mantra as Gepard's hands move, first to drag over covered skin and then to push fabric out of the way. Rough, callused fingers drag over his stomach and chest, soothed in turn by soft lips and tongue.] My sweet Do...

[even as his kisses rain down over skin, hands move to push more fabric out of the way, pants undone with swift impatience. They lack any necessary lube for how much Gepard wants... but he can content himself with first lavishing attention on every bit of skin he can find, and then...

Well, it's no exaggeration to say Gepard is aware of how much Do enjoys, by now. He has plenty of ideas.]

[inelegant, maybe, but Dohalim feels comfort in being outside within his element. and how can he deny Gepard anything if he wants this himself, as well? the thought of being cautious enters his mind again for a moment, telling him that this is dangerous if Kelzalik's accusations are true, but what does he really know about the captain? how can one think him capable of such a betrayal when he's just so... soft?

his name sounds so sweet on Gepard's lips, the same lips that leave a fiery trail of heat in their wake as the other man moves down. a hand comes up to gently thread fingers through soft blond hair, and while Gepard needs no coaxing to continue, Dohalim can't help but knead his scalp lightly in encouragement.

there's a very slim chance that they could get caught out here by someone; while this is a hidden place, it's not exactly private, but Dohalim doesn't care. even as his pants are pushed down and he's lying there exposed, he really doesn't have any concern about being seen. as far as he knows right now, it's just the two of them]

[He'd like to claim he's paying proper attention, honestly. It's hard to fully devote himself to it with the other beneath him, in reality; he can spare enough of a passing effort to not get caught completely unawares. That's probably enough here, at least.

Do's name falls from his lips again in absent murmurs as the redhead kneads his scalp. It's hot on his breath, completely without any of the hesitation he once felt. Lips press their way down one thigh as hands move to cup his balls and wrap around his cock, stroking slowly.

He'll never get over how perfect the man smells, he thinks. How pliant he is even now... how good he tastes on Gepard's tongue. That's dragged along the inside of a thigh first, then to the base of Do's dick, tip pressing in against sensitive spots there.]

[the small, logical part of Dohalim's mind is telling him that they should quit while they're ahead, that this is dangerous in more ways than one. but he doesn't care, not when Gepard has him spread out like this, more experienced hands trailing along the spots that arouse him the most and the quickest. and with his tongue following... it's very clear how quickly he's unraveling.

the most Dohalim can do right now is press the back of his free hand against his lips, as if to silence any sounds that might come out. he has to keep telling himself that they're safe in this spot, that no one will find them. the path leading up to this spot is mostly hidden that he's sure no one else knows about it. so they're fine... and he doesn't want this to stop. he doesn't want this moment to end. because if and when it does, then that means he'll have to part ways with Gepard...

eyes squeeze shut to stem the rolling emotions that want to bubble over. no, he can't let them, and ruin this moment. but past his lips and the hand covering them, a shaky sigh slips, the only indication of those emotions]

[they're both feeling desperation, if in different ways. Gepard is less openly dependent on Dohalim, perhaps because he's kept his feelings under wraps for so long. to be separated from him... well, it'll only be temporary, because he knows he's innocent.

so for right now, he just wants to use the time and space he has. he just wants to see the redhead squirm beneath him, see him forget for just a little while. one hand moves to squeeze and rub absent circles against one side, head tilting up to just... watch him for a moment. lips press to his hip then, soft and warm. he wants to say so much, wants to make so much clear, but... there's not enough time. not really.]

... I'll stay here as long as you like right now, and you'll never get rid of me. Let me please you...

[it's not like he has any doubts that the other wants this, but it's just a reminder. that this isn't the end. and that he can feel what he needs, what he wants, and they can get through anything. moving back again, his hands continue their movements, mouth wrapping around the tip of his cock and sliding downward. Do will know full well that if he wanted, he could stop this, but he's given his permission. Gepard is no saint, especially with this man. just being able to suck his dick like this is on his mind more than he'd like to admit...]

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[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

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