eggbowl | [Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.

honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]

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Dohalim...

[Gepard exhales a soft breath, letting the redhead get his towel situated as he does the same. He's not planning on letting the younger man mope anyway, especially as the one who was worried he'd be left alone in the room earlier...]

I didn't mean it like that. [The other will have to deal with Gepard just tugging him in closer, arms slipping around his waist.] I was attempting to be light-hearted so we could dry off, I'm not upset.

[Maybe he's just... too serious, he thinks. It must be something like that, if he's so easily misunderstood in cases like this. The last thing he wants is for Dohalim to feel guilty just for caring for him, wanting him near.]

[it's almost as if floodgates have opened; now that Gepard's seen just a small bit of real emotion from Dohalim, it seems he can't hold back on them anymore. in a way, it scares him a little, just letting the older man see him in such a way, without any walls put up to protect him from scrutiny and judgement. he would never admit this to Gepard, not at all; he's already unloaded more than enough of his own issues onto him so unexpectedly.

but as he's pulled close, Dohalim makes a soft sound, before leaning against him and wrapping his own arms around Gepard as well. like before, Dohalim buries his face in Gepard's shoulder, taking in the warmth, despite how damp the both of them are]

Forgive me... I fear I'm a little... Sensitive, right now.

[it's one of the reasons why he's put up those walls, after all. if anyone else were to see him so... emotionally vulnerable...]

[in turn, Gepard has always been touch and go with his emotions. when it comes to his physical and general wellbeing, he's always been quick to advocate for himself... it's just in cases like this that it slips, it seems. but as Dohalim speaks, the blond smiles and lets his hands draw soothing circles along his skin.]

It's alright. This will no doubt take some time, but I'm here with you every step of the way. Thank you for trusting me with all of you.

[he wouldn't want to put Dohalim in a position to be vulnerable with anyone else, either. he's already so close to it sometimes, in ways he doubts the redhead sees... but like this, it's just them. he can shield the other from everyone, everything else, here in this quiet space that's just for the two of them.]

I will admit... Showing this vulnerability is terrifying. Even to you.

[it isn't to say he doesn't appreciate Gepard's presence and his support, but when was the last time he was able to be this vulnerable? when was the last time he had someone to lean on, to talk about what he was feeling deep down? he... even when he did have his small circle of friends, he never really confided in them, worried about what they would really think of him if they found out about his true thoughts and feelings.

reluctantly, Dohalim pulls away from the blond, wrapping the towel around him a little more securely]

Perhaps we should make ourselves comfortable in bed. Do you need something to wear, or would sleeping in your undergarments be sufficient?

That's alright. It's terrifying because you aren't used to it, so any small steps should help to alleviate that one at a time. I'm not going anywhere, so don't rush.

[in truth, they're not so different in that way. Gepard is a little more open about the things that affect him personally, but anything that crosses the threshold into occupational...

Both of them could surely use someone to talk to about all the things they'll never say otherwise. As Dohalim sits up again, the blond follows suit in securing his own towel, lips quirking at how... silly it feels. They've been naked for so long now that, outside of the need to dry off, it feels pointless.]

Ah... I normally sleep naked or in my undergarments, truthfully, so I'll be fine. I find the nights particularly warm here.

[If he were to think on it, it might be related to his affinity for water and ice... but whatever the case, it's true enough. Convenient, even. Climbing to his feet, he offers a hand to Dohalim.]

Shall we return, then?

I may have gotten used to the milder climate here that nights are a little chilly for me, now. Perhaps it's the air from the mountains bordering Cyslodia.

[it's a wonder how Gepard had found himself in Menancia instead of the colder realm, considering the difference in temperatures and climates, but Dohalim's glad Gepard is here instead. and honestly, the towel is more to keep Dohalim a little warm until they get to his bed again. he isn't sure why, considering the fact that they just had sex and bathed together, but the idea of Gepard sleeping in the nude pulls a soft flush to his cheeks.

taking Gepard's hand, Dohalim hoists himself up, but doesn't let go as he stands. hand clasped around the other's he quickly leads him back to bed; he only lets go to pull the covers back for them to climb in. at least they didn't make a mess everywhere on the covers, and that the only thing they should be concerned about are their clothes strewn across the bed and the floor. and even then, Dohalim turns a blind eye to them for now, unless Gepard busies himself with setting them aside neatly; if he does, then Dohalim will just drape his towel over a chair and settles himself into bed]

I just run hotter than most, I think, so the cool is... appreciated.

[exhaling a soft, amused laugh, Gepard shakes his head. it doesn't bother him at all really, though on the warmer nights in Menancia it can be troublesome. he'd probably find it amusing if he realised Dohalim's blush was simply because of that, though he wouldn't likely say anything about it.

and there's no attempt at freeing himself from Dohalim's grasp anyway, following him back to bed without hesitation. the lack of mess is... good, maybe a little surprising considering everything. even so, he does move to pick up the clothes and set them aside; there's no reason to let them get wrinkled, let alone add more to question from anyone who might come in later.

once it's done, the blond slides into bed in turn, slipping his arms around the redhead's sides to hold him close.]

If this is uncomfortable, just tell me how to lie down. I can sleep most any way.

[as Gepard finally settles in and pulls Dohalim closer, it's easy to tuck himself into the other man, seeking as much warmth from him as possible. he... hadn't realised that even being held like this just feels so good, so comforting... it'll be hard to let this go, if it ever came down to it. had he really been so starved for this sort of touch? it seems like it]

This is fine. More than fine, if I may be honest.

[the warmth between their bodies and the duvet draped over them is almost enough to put Dohalim in a drowsy state, eyes slipping closed as he nuzzles into Gepard's neck. if he stays like this, sleep might come to him easily, for once. but that does remind him of something--]

...Also, forgive me if I wake you in the middle of the night. I... Tend to have a fitful sleep.

I'll be alright, Dohalim. Even if you wake me briefly, I'm sure I'll settle again once you do.

[Gepard's voice reverberates softly in his chest as he speaks, and he nuzzles into the crown of his head without hesitation. Though sleeping with someone else is a new feeling, he thinks he can get used to it.

Perhaps it will be a little awkward later, or in warmer months... but for now at least, the warmth between them and from the blanket pulls at his own tiredness. They'd done quite a lot for the hour of night, after all. The blond is sure he'll remain awake until Dohalim dozes, but not much longer than that.]

If you're sure...

[because Dohalim isn't. what he's sure about, however, is especially after talking about his own issues, that his dreams will be more intense because of them. his own nightmares are usually rather manageable now that he's gotten used to them, but he still wakes up from them. and the particularly bad ones, unsurprisingly, have the worst effects on him; he'll find himself drenched in sweat and staring in confusion in the dark until he comes to his senses.

would it be fair for Gepard to have to deal with that? Dohalim is sure that the other Renan would help, but at the cost of his own rest... he huffs a soft sigh as he buries himself more into Gepard, seeking more of his warmth]

I'm sure. I've handled nightmares before, Dohalim. And if there's anything that would help you relax, you need only ask.

[pressing a kiss to the crown of his head, Gepard watches quietly as the redhead seems to make his decision and finally settle in against him. It feels so... sweet, just holding him this way. Personal and intimate, almost more than the time they'd spent entwined earlier.

Ah, but thinking about it again finally pulls a little flush to the blond's cheeks, buried unnecessarily in the soft tufts of his hair when Gepard nuzzles into it.]

... I'm glad. That you gave me this chance, and that we did all this. It may seem silly to you, but it's... you could call it a dream come true, for me.

[He's a bit of a silly romantic at heart. Eyes closing, he squeezes Dohalim's waist fondly.]

May your rest be even a little sweet, Dohalim.

[Dohalim almost says something, almost tells Gepard about how bad his nightmares can get. he doesn't like being this open and vulnerable, despite putting so much of his trust in the man; it's a side of him that he doesn't want anyone to see. and with the chance that he could wake the other man up...

but with the warmth and Gepard's words, they only get Dohalim to settle in even more. maybe it won't be so bad]

...Good night, Gepard.

[and with sleep nipping at him, Dohalim falls into it easily, for once, nestled against warm skin and a faint heartbeat. he manages to sleep through most of the night, only waking up a couple of times with sharp breaths, momentarily confused as to who's in bed with him. it doesn't take long for him to remember that it's Gepard with him, and that's enough for him to relax into sleep again. the next time he wakes in the morning is to rouse the other man from sleep so he can sneak out without raising too much suspicion.

however, with their short rendezvous together every so often, when the both of them don't think anyone is watching, spread like wildfire within the palace walls. though, no one dares to speak up; honestly, Gepard's already climbed the ranks to Captain well before Dohalim had ascended the lordship (which rules out the rumour of nepotism), and really, Dohalim is free to do what he wants without consequence. this is his realm, after all...

Kelzalik, on the other hand, does speak up eventually, as he requests a private meeting with the lord, behind what they think is a closed door. it's not a heated conversation, per say, but the stern tone does reflect the older man's disapproval.

"My Lord, I am your advisor. And it is within my duty to advise you. This... Partnership with Captain Landau is risky."]

I am not sure what you mean by this.

["Please do not play dumb with me. We both know you are smarter than this."]

[as time continues on, Gepard finds himself both worried and a little excited about the reality coming forward - there's no way it'll stay secret forever, after all. rumours fly about them both, but it changes nothing for the captain.

in fact, it's pure happenstance that he's in the same hall as that very meeting, the muffled statements hardly catching his ear until he's brought into the conversation. that's... Kelzalik? and Dohalim, clearly. rude though it is, and inappropriate besides, he can't help but pause to listen - maybe he'll explain it away as concern for anyone else finding out the Lord's business.

on the other hand, he himself is curious. Kelzalik has had his hands in everything, as an advisor and seemingly more, and it's... a little concerning, perhaps. the man is nothing if not the very model of a Renan, prejudices and all, and he struggles to hide it even slightly.]

You are being rather forward, Kelzalik. A little too forward, I think.

["I am only looking out for the wellbeing of my Lord and Elde Menancia. I have respected your choice not to compete for the sovereignty, but I cannot sit idly by while you are manipulated--"]

Manipulated? By Ge-- Captain Landau? That's a bold and out of pocket claim.

[Dohalim's voice is clipped and short, as if his patience is wearing thin. and for someone who seemingly has an abundance of patience, that's no small feat.

"Perhaps you are right." Kelzalik's voice is slow, thoughtful. "I just worry, considering his sister's plot against you."

there's a stretch of silence between them before Dohalim speaks up again, voice just as curt as before]

I would suggest what you say next about Serval is careful and thought out.

["You still hold her in high regards even after she plotted to betray you?"]

[The accusation is... absolutely ludicrous, truly. No matter what happened, the idea that Serval could be plotting against Dohalim... no. It's not even feasible. If she'd wanted something like that, it would be foolish to leave the guard and thereby be ever more noticeable.

So why, then, is this the path Kelzalik has chosen? Should he interrupt this?

The anger that burns in response to this conversation is white-hot, but he curtails it to the best of his ability. Dohalim probably doesn't need his input to make his own decisions... but he also can't sit idly by and listen to Serval being slandered.

Knocking firmly on the door before he enters, slipping through the door.]

... forgive the intrusion, my Lord, but I was on my way to the training hall when I overheard Serval's name. [His face is surprisingly stoic, gaze turned to Kelzalik as he speaks, and his arms cross idly as he speaks.] Any claim of wrongdoing, as you know, is a serious claim - even if it involves my own sister. I presume you have concrete evidence of her plot?

[Kelzalik scoffs as Gepard enters and admits to his eavesdropping, his own gaze just as stoic as he stands by Dohalim.

"Though it is of no concern to you, of course I do. She had confessed to me when I had confronted her. I then gave her a choice: be persecuted by the laws of the land and bring shame to your family name, or step down quietly to save face.

"Had you really not been part of her scheme? Or is this a contingency plan of yours in case something like this were to happen? Get closer to Lord Dohalim so you can carry out whatever plot the both of you had concocted--"]

Kelzalik, that is enough.

[at some point during the older man's rant, Dohalim had stood up, amber eyes simmering with quiet anger. he doesn't lash out, but instead speaks with a low tone]

This meeting is over. I will take whatever you had told me into consideration.

[if Kelzalik is taken aback, he doesn't show it. "My Lord--"]

Leave.

[the other Renan doesn't say anything else, but pauses for a moment before turning on his heels and silently walking out. he doesn't however spare Gepard the near death glare as he walks past him; soon he's gone with the door shut behind him]

Edited 2023-10-12 11:04 (UTC)

[it's a difficult thing, keeping his stoic face in the face of such claims. there's no chance in hell that Serval confessed anything of the sort; she's many things, but a dissident? to Dohalim, of all people?

he's about to respond to the accusations against himself, in turn, when Dohalim speaks up instead. so he quiets, letting the Lord say his peace and Kelzalik slink out with his oh so mature glare.

left alone with the redhead, Gepard isn't... entirely sure what to do or say, now that the faint frustration of those false accusations is bleeding out of the air.]

... apologies, my Lord. I realise it's none of my business what conversations you have in private, but... I couldn't keep quiet when I heard what he was saying about Serval.

[Dohalim doesn't go to Gepard to seek consolation, but instead sits back down in his seat, leaning back into it unceremoniously as he bring a hand up to his face. thumb and forefinger pinch the bridge of his nose, and he doesn't speak for a while; eventually, he does look at the blond and lets out a soft sigh]

Did Serval really not say anything about her departure?

[Dohalim's voice isn't accusatory, but it's still full of doubt about everything. should he doubt Kelzalik, his advisor? or should he doubt Gepard, his guardsman, childhood friend, and lover? is Gepard's feelings for him even real, or is it exactly what Kelzalik said, and that he's only trying to get closer to him for whatever their plot is?

he doesn't want to doubt the captain, he really doesn't. nor does he want to believe that Serval would try to assassinate him. what would she gain from that? the Landau name is already so prolific, and she never once hinted that she wanted the lordship. so then what... but if what his advisor is saying is true, then...

Dohalim huffs out another sigh, heavier this time, as his hand moves to press the palm against his face. who and what is he supposed to believe?]

No... nothing at all.

[Gepard exhales a sigh, running a hand through his hair. no matter how much he wracks his brains, he can't think of anything she'd said that would even hint at the possibility of insurrection. for now, he takes a seat in turn, not too close despite every instinct saying that he should comfort Dohalim.]

I'll go through our records when I leave; there should be something to at least imply the real reason. If she did intend something like that...

[the conflicted expression on his face really says it all. it's his job, after all. if she intended harm or worse... then she would be a threat not just to Dohalim, but also to all of Menancia.]

Rather... that's my intention. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I will maintain standby while someone else checks the records. I'm sure it's no surprise that I intend you no harm - I could never - but... with no evidence to speak of, I understand if you're hesitant.

[the idea that Dohalim could think him capable of such atrocities is heartbreaking, but it's a reality he has to face. even if he doesn't think it likely, it would be foolish not to be careful.]

I am, as always, at your beck and call. Whatever you say, I will abide.

[dropping his hand enough to look at Gepard, Dohalim pauses for a moment to sort out his thoughts. Gepard... he's so loyal that it can almost be to a fault, and not once has he given him any doubt of his trust in the man. but... could it all be a facade to hide the truth? no, it can't be... but what if it is?

Gepard might not think that Dohalim's hesitation and caution is foolish, but Dohalim himself thinks it is. why doubt someone who has been by his side even before he'd ascended the lordship?

thoughts swirl in his mind, his heart pounds in his chest, and all Dohalim wants is to run away from the problem. it's what he's best at, after all. perhaps he can step out from the city for a moment, to gather his thoughts, away from any influence. but would it be fair to the captain if he just up and left without a single word? if he and Serval really were plotting against him, would it even be safe to do so? he doesn't know what to do...

Dohalim suddenly stands, hands pressed against his desk as he holds himself up for a moment. his head is dropped down, eyes fixed on the grain of the wood. the air in the room is stifling, and definitely not helping with his thoughts; it's all he needs to convince himself to get out]

I need to...

[he mutters the words softly to himself before straightening up. he makes a bee-line to the door, without even saying another word to Gepard; the blond might pick up on this as a sign that Dohalim is on the verge of a panic attack]

Dohalim-

[it's the suddenness of it that concerns him, the way he stops mid-sentence to flee. by now, he knows enough to guess at what it is... and with the circumstance, he also guesses that following too closely would probably exacerbate the issue. so he gives the redhead a moment before following completely, just watching to ensure he doesn't slip too far out of sight.

air will do him good, no doubt about that, but being alone...? the blond isn't so sure. so the least he can do is move forward to protect his Lord, his lover, the man whose gentle soul he's wanted to care for, for ages. for both of their sakes, he tells himself he won't call out until it feels safer, until there should be fewer eyes and ears to take notice. it's likely Dohalim's headed to one of his quiet places anyway.

can he even help with this? he doesn't know, he just... can't stay away. it's silly, foolish even, but here he is. if he's pushed off, that's fine, but he can't just do nothing.]

[Dohalim doesn't stop even as Gepard calls his name; all he really cares about is getting out. his steps are brisk, and there must be some sort of expression painted on his face telling anyone not to interrupt him. he's not fully aware of Gepard following him either; as far as his mind is concerned, he'd just left the captain in his office. what else is he supposed to do? ask the man to accompany him when there's the smallest seed of doubt about his intentions planted in his mind? it's that thought alone that drives Dohalim to pick up his pace as soon as he steps out of the palace, hurrying down the steps and into the bustling bazaar.

it's when he finally steps out from the city walls that he almost runs, much to the concern of the guards standing by the gate, confused as to where their lord is off to in such a hurry. as soon as they see Gepard, they ask their questions, unaware of what exactly is happening and if there's need for alarm. Dohalim doesn't hear them as he rushes past the hamlet and deep into Traslida Highway.

he's not even conscious of where he's going until he stops, and when he does, it's at the mountainside spot he'd taken Gepard up to. all he can hear is the wind blowing in the trees and grass, still not aware that the captain had followed him. his breath is heavy, both from his speedy pace and the panic that is currently gripping him, and even as he tries to take deep breaths, he just can't seem to calm down]

[Gepard pauses long enough to assure the guards that he'll be fine, that there was just something Dohalim needed to do outside the city and that it's time-sensitive. it's enough of a truth that he doesn't stumble through it, particularly as he promises he'll let them know if anything does come up.

as he follows in the Lord's footsteps, he wonders if he should really even join him. the need to comfort him is strong, but if his presence is causing an issue, isn't that a sign he should keep his distance? he's still wrestling it as Dohalim disappears into the trees in that mountainside spot.

in the end, he decides to wait a minute or two, taking a breath in as he approaches.]

Dohalim...?

[making sure his voice carries, he's slow in coming around the corner, trying not to frighten him or make things any worse.]

If you want me to leave, I'll leave, but you don't have to be alone right now...

[his concern is plain, and it only occurs to him now that he'd left his shield. it should be fine - even if they have to fight, it's not like he can't survive without it. Dohalim is the only thing that matters to him right now.]

[Dohalim almost jumps out of his skin as soon as he hears Gepard's voice; he spins on his heel to face the man, eyes widened. he's still trying to calm his breathing down, to no avail, and it's making him dizzy. with how close he is to the cliffside, it might prove to be dangerous. but where else can he go; with the captain in front of him, he's basically trapped. does he want him to leave, now that he's here? or does he want him to stay? his mind spirals, back to what Kelzalik had said, what he'd accused, and if what he says is true, then he may as well let himself fall off the edge.

but he doesn't move from his spot, hand reaching up to press against his chest in a futile attempt to even out his breath, fingers curled around the eagle splayed across his front. everything seems so heavy a burden, all of a sudden; his duty, his decisions, the accusations made against his close friends and his lover. even his clothes are starting to feel like weights, and all he wants is to crumple under all of it]

I don't... I don't know what I want...

[it's the first time he's felt a panic this strong since descending own to Dahna; the first time he'd felt this way in Menancia was when he heard the screams of pain and torment from the Dahnans themselves. he hid it so well until he got to his room, and even with the doors shut, he could hear them. the anxiety had gripped him, rooted him to the spot that he couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't act. much like now...]

... it's okay. Breathe, Dohalim.

[the progression of it only propels Gepard forward, to gently pull the other to his chest. really, if he'd wanted anything, he wouldn't have had to really try - but that doesn't matter. all that matters to him is being here, a stable heartbeat and warm body for the other renan to cling to. slowly, he leads him to sit down right where they are, finding Do's free hand to twine their fingers.]

Just keep breathing. It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to not know what to do. I'm not going anywhere, so just take your time.

[he's certainly no stranger to that predicament...]

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