eggbowl | [Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.

honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The accusation is... absolutely ludicrous, truly. No matter what happened, the idea that Serval could be plotting against Dohalim... no. It's not even feasible. If she'd wanted something like that, it would be foolish to leave the guard and thereby be ever more noticeable.

So why, then, is this the path Kelzalik has chosen? Should he interrupt this?

The anger that burns in response to this conversation is white-hot, but he curtails it to the best of his ability. Dohalim probably doesn't need his input to make his own decisions... but he also can't sit idly by and listen to Serval being slandered.

Knocking firmly on the door before he enters, slipping through the door.]

... forgive the intrusion, my Lord, but I was on my way to the training hall when I overheard Serval's name. [His face is surprisingly stoic, gaze turned to Kelzalik as he speaks, and his arms cross idly as he speaks.] Any claim of wrongdoing, as you know, is a serious claim - even if it involves my own sister. I presume you have concrete evidence of her plot?

[Kelzalik scoffs as Gepard enters and admits to his eavesdropping, his own gaze just as stoic as he stands by Dohalim.

"Though it is of no concern to you, of course I do. She had confessed to me when I had confronted her. I then gave her a choice: be persecuted by the laws of the land and bring shame to your family name, or step down quietly to save face.

"Had you really not been part of her scheme? Or is this a contingency plan of yours in case something like this were to happen? Get closer to Lord Dohalim so you can carry out whatever plot the both of you had concocted--"]

Kelzalik, that is enough.

[at some point during the older man's rant, Dohalim had stood up, amber eyes simmering with quiet anger. he doesn't lash out, but instead speaks with a low tone]

This meeting is over. I will take whatever you had told me into consideration.

[if Kelzalik is taken aback, he doesn't show it. "My Lord--"]

Leave.

[the other Renan doesn't say anything else, but pauses for a moment before turning on his heels and silently walking out. he doesn't however spare Gepard the near death glare as he walks past him; soon he's gone with the door shut behind him]

Edited 2023-10-12 11:04 (UTC)

[it's a difficult thing, keeping his stoic face in the face of such claims. there's no chance in hell that Serval confessed anything of the sort; she's many things, but a dissident? to Dohalim, of all people?

he's about to respond to the accusations against himself, in turn, when Dohalim speaks up instead. so he quiets, letting the Lord say his peace and Kelzalik slink out with his oh so mature glare.

left alone with the redhead, Gepard isn't... entirely sure what to do or say, now that the faint frustration of those false accusations is bleeding out of the air.]

... apologies, my Lord. I realise it's none of my business what conversations you have in private, but... I couldn't keep quiet when I heard what he was saying about Serval.

[Dohalim doesn't go to Gepard to seek consolation, but instead sits back down in his seat, leaning back into it unceremoniously as he bring a hand up to his face. thumb and forefinger pinch the bridge of his nose, and he doesn't speak for a while; eventually, he does look at the blond and lets out a soft sigh]

Did Serval really not say anything about her departure?

[Dohalim's voice isn't accusatory, but it's still full of doubt about everything. should he doubt Kelzalik, his advisor? or should he doubt Gepard, his guardsman, childhood friend, and lover? is Gepard's feelings for him even real, or is it exactly what Kelzalik said, and that he's only trying to get closer to him for whatever their plot is?

he doesn't want to doubt the captain, he really doesn't. nor does he want to believe that Serval would try to assassinate him. what would she gain from that? the Landau name is already so prolific, and she never once hinted that she wanted the lordship. so then what... but if what his advisor is saying is true, then...

Dohalim huffs out another sigh, heavier this time, as his hand moves to press the palm against his face. who and what is he supposed to believe?]

No... nothing at all.

[Gepard exhales a sigh, running a hand through his hair. no matter how much he wracks his brains, he can't think of anything she'd said that would even hint at the possibility of insurrection. for now, he takes a seat in turn, not too close despite every instinct saying that he should comfort Dohalim.]

I'll go through our records when I leave; there should be something to at least imply the real reason. If she did intend something like that...

[the conflicted expression on his face really says it all. it's his job, after all. if she intended harm or worse... then she would be a threat not just to Dohalim, but also to all of Menancia.]

Rather... that's my intention. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I will maintain standby while someone else checks the records. I'm sure it's no surprise that I intend you no harm - I could never - but... with no evidence to speak of, I understand if you're hesitant.

[the idea that Dohalim could think him capable of such atrocities is heartbreaking, but it's a reality he has to face. even if he doesn't think it likely, it would be foolish not to be careful.]

I am, as always, at your beck and call. Whatever you say, I will abide.

[dropping his hand enough to look at Gepard, Dohalim pauses for a moment to sort out his thoughts. Gepard... he's so loyal that it can almost be to a fault, and not once has he given him any doubt of his trust in the man. but... could it all be a facade to hide the truth? no, it can't be... but what if it is?

Gepard might not think that Dohalim's hesitation and caution is foolish, but Dohalim himself thinks it is. why doubt someone who has been by his side even before he'd ascended the lordship?

thoughts swirl in his mind, his heart pounds in his chest, and all Dohalim wants is to run away from the problem. it's what he's best at, after all. perhaps he can step out from the city for a moment, to gather his thoughts, away from any influence. but would it be fair to the captain if he just up and left without a single word? if he and Serval really were plotting against him, would it even be safe to do so? he doesn't know what to do...

Dohalim suddenly stands, hands pressed against his desk as he holds himself up for a moment. his head is dropped down, eyes fixed on the grain of the wood. the air in the room is stifling, and definitely not helping with his thoughts; it's all he needs to convince himself to get out]

I need to...

[he mutters the words softly to himself before straightening up. he makes a bee-line to the door, without even saying another word to Gepard; the blond might pick up on this as a sign that Dohalim is on the verge of a panic attack]

Dohalim-

[it's the suddenness of it that concerns him, the way he stops mid-sentence to flee. by now, he knows enough to guess at what it is... and with the circumstance, he also guesses that following too closely would probably exacerbate the issue. so he gives the redhead a moment before following completely, just watching to ensure he doesn't slip too far out of sight.

air will do him good, no doubt about that, but being alone...? the blond isn't so sure. so the least he can do is move forward to protect his Lord, his lover, the man whose gentle soul he's wanted to care for, for ages. for both of their sakes, he tells himself he won't call out until it feels safer, until there should be fewer eyes and ears to take notice. it's likely Dohalim's headed to one of his quiet places anyway.

can he even help with this? he doesn't know, he just... can't stay away. it's silly, foolish even, but here he is. if he's pushed off, that's fine, but he can't just do nothing.]

[Dohalim doesn't stop even as Gepard calls his name; all he really cares about is getting out. his steps are brisk, and there must be some sort of expression painted on his face telling anyone not to interrupt him. he's not fully aware of Gepard following him either; as far as his mind is concerned, he'd just left the captain in his office. what else is he supposed to do? ask the man to accompany him when there's the smallest seed of doubt about his intentions planted in his mind? it's that thought alone that drives Dohalim to pick up his pace as soon as he steps out of the palace, hurrying down the steps and into the bustling bazaar.

it's when he finally steps out from the city walls that he almost runs, much to the concern of the guards standing by the gate, confused as to where their lord is off to in such a hurry. as soon as they see Gepard, they ask their questions, unaware of what exactly is happening and if there's need for alarm. Dohalim doesn't hear them as he rushes past the hamlet and deep into Traslida Highway.

he's not even conscious of where he's going until he stops, and when he does, it's at the mountainside spot he'd taken Gepard up to. all he can hear is the wind blowing in the trees and grass, still not aware that the captain had followed him. his breath is heavy, both from his speedy pace and the panic that is currently gripping him, and even as he tries to take deep breaths, he just can't seem to calm down]

[Gepard pauses long enough to assure the guards that he'll be fine, that there was just something Dohalim needed to do outside the city and that it's time-sensitive. it's enough of a truth that he doesn't stumble through it, particularly as he promises he'll let them know if anything does come up.

as he follows in the Lord's footsteps, he wonders if he should really even join him. the need to comfort him is strong, but if his presence is causing an issue, isn't that a sign he should keep his distance? he's still wrestling it as Dohalim disappears into the trees in that mountainside spot.

in the end, he decides to wait a minute or two, taking a breath in as he approaches.]

Dohalim...?

[making sure his voice carries, he's slow in coming around the corner, trying not to frighten him or make things any worse.]

If you want me to leave, I'll leave, but you don't have to be alone right now...

[his concern is plain, and it only occurs to him now that he'd left his shield. it should be fine - even if they have to fight, it's not like he can't survive without it. Dohalim is the only thing that matters to him right now.]

[Dohalim almost jumps out of his skin as soon as he hears Gepard's voice; he spins on his heel to face the man, eyes widened. he's still trying to calm his breathing down, to no avail, and it's making him dizzy. with how close he is to the cliffside, it might prove to be dangerous. but where else can he go; with the captain in front of him, he's basically trapped. does he want him to leave, now that he's here? or does he want him to stay? his mind spirals, back to what Kelzalik had said, what he'd accused, and if what he says is true, then he may as well let himself fall off the edge.

but he doesn't move from his spot, hand reaching up to press against his chest in a futile attempt to even out his breath, fingers curled around the eagle splayed across his front. everything seems so heavy a burden, all of a sudden; his duty, his decisions, the accusations made against his close friends and his lover. even his clothes are starting to feel like weights, and all he wants is to crumple under all of it]

I don't... I don't know what I want...

[it's the first time he's felt a panic this strong since descending own to Dahna; the first time he'd felt this way in Menancia was when he heard the screams of pain and torment from the Dahnans themselves. he hid it so well until he got to his room, and even with the doors shut, he could hear them. the anxiety had gripped him, rooted him to the spot that he couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't act. much like now...]

... it's okay. Breathe, Dohalim.

[the progression of it only propels Gepard forward, to gently pull the other to his chest. really, if he'd wanted anything, he wouldn't have had to really try - but that doesn't matter. all that matters to him is being here, a stable heartbeat and warm body for the other renan to cling to. slowly, he leads him to sit down right where they are, finding Do's free hand to twine their fingers.]

Just keep breathing. It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to not know what to do. I'm not going anywhere, so just take your time.

[he's certainly no stranger to that predicament...]

[the coolness of Gepard's armour does soothe Dohalim for a moment, paired with warm hands that hold him close. but he can still feel how tense he is, hand still gripping onto the ornament on his chest, while his other arm is wrapped around himself, as if to try to keep himself from falling apart completely. he hadn't felt his anxiety this intensely in so long that it's making him dizzy, and he's thankful that Gepard has the sense to lower the both of them down to sit. the blond's hand finds his; fingers grip onto his hand tightly despite the worry of Gepard's true intentions. he doesn't want to believe Kelzalik's words and accusations, both on Gepard's and Serval's parts, but what if they're true? what if he really should take his warnings to heart?

but it's Gepard... he'd known the Landaus for so long that it just can't be plausable... right?

Dohalim buries his face in the crook of the other Renan's neck, breathing heavily against it; he just can't seem to calm himself down and swirling thoughts in his head aren't helping in the slightest, either. is it really okay for him not to have an answer to this problem right from the get go? he's supposed to be a lord; there's no room for uncertainty. as for his fear... that should never be allowed to see the light of day, especially in the face of his people]

It... It is not alright... I can't... I cannot be afraid, and I cannot be uncertain. I must make a decision on how to proceed, but I just... I don't know what to think...

[His other hand soothes through Dohalim's hair, holding him close. It's... inconvenient, when he's trying to calm the man, to be unable to talk about Serval. Laughable, really, how much of his current stability is directly her doing. Without her, he'd still be a soft little boy, crying over every loss and every scolding.

... Dohalim doesn't know that side of him, though.]

You're not omniscient, Dohalim. This isn't a decision you need to rush right now... [If he'd wanted to, if there was any terrible intent in his heart, it would be so easy to act... but then again, Gepard can see in Kelzalik, after those accusations levied at him, why that's not always reliable.] But if it were me, I would let the guard do it, and detain all relevant suspects.

An accused should be removed from their post, to ensure no tampering of evidence can happen. Anyone closely related would similarly be excused. A direct claim has been laid against my sister... and another implied against me. It's rational, even if you harbor no question of my innocence, to proceed this way. To do so proves your lack of favoritism, and your commitment to the pursuit of justice.

I have nothing to hide, and your potential worry brings me no offense; without proof on either side, it's impossible to know who to choose.

[for Gepard to say it so straightforwardly, to put it out into the world for Dohalim to make a decision on only makes him want to retreat even more. the thought of pulling another captain away from the guard, to detain a friend-- a lover of his because of an accusation... this is Gepard's livelihood they're talking about and for him to say all of that without pause...]

I can't let the guards lose another captain, and I certainly can't have you detained.

[it's such precarious position to be in, for the both of them, and it's something Dohalim doesn't want to face. what if he makes the wrong decision? what if Gepard ends up falsely prosecuted? or what if he was blinded by his attachment to him and the worst case scenario comes to light? he's so unsure of what to do and what to say, but it's also like he can't stay up on the mountainside stuck in this loop of despair.

taking several deep breaths, he lifts his head back up, hand on his chest dropping to his lap. the absolute fear on his face is now gone, replaced by a seemingly calm, if not blank look now, one of his many masks he'd learn to throw on to hide his true feelings. he's a lord, after all. even if it's Gepard, it's still unbecoming to show such raw emotion in front of his people]

However, I suppose you're right. I cannot let my own emotions cloud my judgement.

[it's hard, watching him pick himself up and put his mask on. the sheer necessity of it is just too much, and Gepard's smile is wan, wry even. they're alone out here, and still he can't show it...

but then, if Dohalim harbours even a little doubt, it's fair enough. he wishes endlessly that he had a better option, something to suggest, but he doesn't.]

Then... if it works better, you could claim something of a... vacation, a break. Say that Serval's departure has affected me more than expected, and I'll need to rest for a few days. [it's not as if he's not rattled by the accusation Kelzalik made, even though he has every reason to assume the man is trying to distance the Landaus from Dohalim for... some reason.] My men can survive without me for a little while, especially in this time of relative peace.

I am sorry for having to rationalise it this way... but I have no intention of lying to you about how I feel. I'm no advisor, but... I know we'll get through this, as we have with every crisis that's arisen before now.

[while that excuse may work, the idea that he won't be able to see Gepard, or the fact that Kelzalik would try to distance the both of them doesn't sit well with him. there's something in Dohalim's eyes that reflects that, despite his calm demeanor, and the way he wrings his hands in his lap nervously. the very thought of being away from the blond almost leaves him breathless, gasping for air, his heart pounding in his chest. they'd only just reciprocated their feelings for each other and now...]

Will I still be able to see you, then? Or would that be unwise?

[Dohalim's voice is soft, apprehensive, as if the mere suggestion was a taboo. he doesn't know if Gepard intends to stay away while Kelzalik's accusations are investigated, but he doesn't want that. he doesn't want to have to roam the halls of Autelina Palace by himself. he doesn't want to entertain the idea that he won't be able to see Gepard waiting on him with that soft, adoring smile on his face. he still wants to feel his warmth, his strength, but if they have to remain apart...

he lets out a shuddering sigh, bringing his hands up to rub at his face. even if it's just the both of them, Dohalim can't let his true emotions out, even though he desperately wants to]

I don't intend to leave you alone, Dohalim. I wouldn't do that to you. Even if the best choice is that I should remain on arrest somewhere... you are free to visit me anytime.

[he reaches out then, gently placing his hands over one of the other's, warm and calm as his thumb brushes the back of it.. it doesn't escape him that this is exceptionally hard for the Lord, and his heart breaks to see it.]

I'm here with you, always. You should not be punished for claims someone else has made. This investigation is on your terms, no one else's.

We both know that Kelzalik will make up any excuse to keep me away from you, especially with the accusations he's made against you.

[while he does respect his advisor and everything he's aided him with (and accepting so easily the implementation of coexistence in Menancia), even he'll admit that lately, he's been a little... too comfortable with his words. Dohalim is sure he's only making suggestions to better the realm and his rule over it, but... perhaps he's thinking too much on it.

Dohalim drops his hands again, this time grasping at Gepard's fingers. the blond can most likely feel the tremor in his hold; while his outward appearance doesn't show much of his anxiety anymore, it's clear just in his hold that it still has him in a vice grip]

I wish... I wish I could just forget about all of this. About my position, about this situation. I wish I could just... Run from my duties. It would be easier than facing them head on, wouldn't it...

It's true... but you are far more clever than he.

[it's rude to Kelzalik, but he doesn't hold the same need to be kind in his presumptions. the man had claimed that he knew of Serval's supposed treachery, which he sincerely doubts...

his other hand moves to cover Dohalim's when they grasp at his fingers, rubbing his thumb over the back of one. it's as much soothing as he can give under the circumstances, as he listens to him speak.]

... it is easier in the short term, but I think you would feel similar guilt running from everything. [sighing softly, he leans in to rest his forehead against Dohalim's.] I can't offer a full escape, but... if you'd like, we can speak on it when this is all over.

If it's a break from the heaviness of your duties you need... that may at least be something we can offer, then.

[fully severing him from it would be much more work, but they ought to start one step at a time anyway. Gepard wants to protect him as much as he wants to protect all of the citizens, perhaps more still.]

It is not just my duties I need a break from, it's... Everything. I think the accusations made against you and Serval was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Dohalim knows that he'd gone into his position with... not the most stable mind to begin with, but once he'd silenced those wails of despair, he'd been able to maintain himself to the point where no one would notice what was going on in his head. it was easier to push back certain thoughts and tuck them away in a corner of his mind, but now, it seems like they're all starting to bubble over.

sighing softly, he leans against Gepard, eyes slipping closed as he basks in the other man's warmth. despite those accusations, and despite the fact that he should be wary of being alone with him, he can't help but still feel some sort of comfort from his presence. it's not enough to wash away everything for the moment, but it's enough to calm himself down some]

As for running away... Isn't that what I'm best at? I would rather avoid confrontation than face it head on.

You had finally begun to allow yourself to have something... it's a reasonable response in regards to the allegations.

[His hands continue their motions, gently soothing over Dohalim's back as the other leans into him. There's only so much he can offer, but he'd give anything for the man.]

To separate you from all of this... it would be a tricky process, of course. I'm loathe to tell you to remain in a space that causes you pain... but I don't want to make suggestions when you're still not sure what the truth is. [unlike Kelzalik, Gepard doesn't have an agenda to uphold.]

Avoiding confrontation isn't always running away, Dohalim. It's natural to want to avoid it, to seek peaceful ways to exist... at least, I think it is. Even I would rather not have confrontations. But... to me, you are a man of many talents. You may not be able to see them or do them as often anymore, but I'm always impressed by what you do.

[It's not that he makes no mistakes, either - but those mistakes feel small next to everything else. Smaller still next to all the good he's done.]

[it's dangerous, treading this particular thought process, to give Dohalim a moment to even think about stepping down from his position. on the one hand, it really is human nature to want to separate himself from something that, for the most part, had done nothing but torment him in silence, but there are so many reasons as to why he just... can't]

...You should not indulge me into thinking about stepping down as lord. You and I both know that it simply is not feasible.

[with how close an eye Lenegis and the entire empire are probably keeping on Dahna and the crown contest, it's a topic that shouldn't be talked about out loud, even if they're both alone. he just has has to endure for a little bit longer, then he can step down peacefully. it's all he can hope for; he doubts that, even if the Dahnans are more motivated to work, he'd be a shoe-in for the sovereignty.

shifting around, Dohalim tilts his head down to rest his forehead against Gepard's shoulder, just wanting to be a little closer. all caution is thrown to the wind now; he doesn't care if the blond really does want to do anything to him. if he does... then at least he can have this moment of bliss. and really, if Gepard really did want to kill him, then would it be so bad...?]

...We should get back to the city soon, before the guards start to fret.

... I suppose you're right. It isn't really so simple, after all... [Gepard, as is his wont, only shifts to pull Dohalim in a little closer. the idea of being apart from him is... unpleasant, but he'll do what he must. he always has.] At the very least, we can perhaps plan for the future, after the contest's end.

[he doesn't want to let go. he doesn't want to return, in that moment, contrary to every vow he'd ever made. to leave his beloved like this, to know that they'll have to be so exceptionally careful—it's a lot to ask the Lord, too.]

... Yes, of course. I did let them know that we would be out for a time, so they should at least not be worrying too much yet.

[leaning in, Gepard pauses, then just brushes the backs of his knuckles against Dohalim's cheek. if he goes any further, there's no guarantee that he would be able to stop and bring him back home soon enough.]

[Dohalim yearns for more than those gentle touches, loathing the fact that Gepard is being so cautious and hesitant. they both need to be so careful, now, it seems, especially when he himself is still so unsure about everything. he shouldn't even be alone up on the mountainside with someone who's accused of being an accomplice to his betrayal, but... how could he push Gepard away? how could he, when all he wants is to be so close to him, to never part from him?

thoughts shift back to the idea that this could all be a ruse to lure him into a false sense of security, before Gepard strikes, but again, Dohalim finds himself with the same train of thought as before. death... would be a permanent relief from his duties, after all...

not wanting to think on that anymore, he leans in to press his lips against the blond's, hand coming up to rest on his shoulder, as if to keep him from pulling away. if it seems like Dohalim's grip is a little desperate, it might just be his imagination, maybe]

[He'd been the one to suggest distance, but as their lips meet again, Gepard also can't bring himself to pull away. If he could, he would covet this man, take him away from every painful memory...

Do's name is a murmur on his lips as a hand grips his shoulder, his own slipping around his hips to pull him closer. It's unfair; his control is tested on a good day, so knowing he has to let go eventually? Awful, truly.]

... if we don't stop— [His voice is breathy and thick, lips pressing to lips again and again.] I'm afraid I'll get too demanding. I already don't want to go... not when I have to be apart from you.

[He'll follow Do's decision, in the end. Pull away or throw it all to the wind, whatever the choice.]

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)