eggbowl | [Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim/Gepard] I don't know how to feel...

[Dohalim wouldn't necessarily call it a chaotic disarray currently, but the sudden departure of one of his captains is, understandably, enough to shake the knights. Serval was truly one of his best, and one who upheld his ideals of coexistence to their core. so it was a surprise to receive her resignation letter, and a quick word of appreciation for the opportunity to serve under him; before he could say anything to try to convince her to change her mind, she was off. though, Dohalim is sure that anything he could have said would have been met with decline. the Landaus, for all their loyalty in serving the il Qaras family for generations (despite their own nobility), are a stubborn folk, and once they've made up their mind on anything, there would be no convincing them of otherwise.

honestly, even if the decision was abrupt, Dohalim knows that she'll be fine. that isn't what's on his mind as he heads down the ornate hallway to the barracks. perhaps a visit paid by him will lift the knights' spirits, but really, he has every intention on seeing one person. Gepard... Serval is his sister, after all. he's not sure what the man is thinking, if he knew of her resignation long before she had made it official, or if this came to just as a surprise to him as everyone else. either way, it would be nice to see Gepard and offer whatever words he can to him.

of course, as soon as he enters the barracks, he's bombarded with questions and requests by the other guards, wondering just what will happen, and how Serval's unit will be taken care of. as much as he wants to brush them aside to look for Gepard, he just can't, in good faith, so it seems like he'll be here for a while. oh well, what kind of leader would he be if he didn't listen to his people?]

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He may not have pushed you further, but the fact remains: he could have. And that... It irks me.

[Gepard may say that he prefers not to think about the past, but Dohalim... he's the opposite. it isn't that he likes thinking about past events, it's more that he can't help but focus on them. it's a fault of his and he's at least self aware enough to realise this.

but just hearing the man talk about wanting to stay by his side, and not because of formality and his duty, but because he truly wants to... it's so different from what Fahria had said to him... Avakhir was more quiet on the subject, but he could see the betrayal in his eyes as well. perhaps... it was for the best that he'd gone with her instead; he'd already ripped one person away from Fahria, and she needed all the support she could have gotten. even if that meant leaving him alone...]

I... Am glad. That you didn't leave me alone like Fahria and Avakhir. You could have resigned your post here as soon as I had taken the lordship, but you didn't.

Why does it irk you?

[It's an earnest question. Dohalim wasn't even on Dahna when it happened, and even if he had been, what would it have mattered? Gepard can understand the frustration if it had happened, but... they're just both so different, in that way.

He does smile as Do speaks again, fingers squeezing an arm again. For him, it's a simple enough task... but he knows he's not most.]

I could never leave you like that. As much as I understand them... I also can't condone just abandoning someone, especially after an inconclusive examination.

[Exhaling a soft sigh, he tilts his head back and closes his eyes.]

But... then again, perhaps that's my own bias talking too. I want to see you flourish, and I want to help you in any way I can. No matter what your ambitions... it makes me happy to be by your side.

There is nothing inconclusive about what happened. I killed him, that's all there is to it.

[Dohalim sighs heavily, shaking his head. Gepard can draw his own conclusions and assumptions about the trials, but nothing will change the truth of the matter]

You say you want to see me flourish when all I feel like is a wilted flower.

[this is the most honest he's been with someone in so long. perhaps it's because he's always been closer to Gepard than anyone else, and that he finally has someone to get things off his chest, but... it seems like he's still holding back. it's like he's almost afraid of what the other man might think if he really knew what was going through his head, and the thoughts he constantly has]

And yet, there is division about why.

[Gepard has no interest in trivialising the loss of life, of course - it's just that survivor's guilt is insidious, and he still thinks... well, it doesn't matter.]

Dohalim...

[this time, he does shift more purposefully. Careful not to jostle the redhead too much, every effort is gentle as Gepard turns himself around. He's feeling much better thanks to the heat of the water, and he just... can't help himself. The need to reverse their positions, to pull Do into his lap and hold him close, is just too strong.]

Come here... you owe me no explanations, but I can't help you more if I don't understand. Just... believe me when I say that nothing will change how I feel. I don't imagine it can be easy for you to have no one to talk to, but I won't push you, either. When you're ready, I'll be here.

[as Gepard switches positions and holds him close, Dohalim makes a small sound as he's moved around, slightly surprised that he's now in the other man's lap. but... it feels nice, being held in such a way, when he so lacks a comforting touch like this. resting the side of his head on Gepard's shoulder, he wraps an arm around his back, fingers pressing lightly against soft skin]

It... Isn't a matter of not having anyone to talk to. ["even though it does contribute to it" goes unsaid] It's more... I am the lord of this realm. I cannot talk about my past grievances without...

[Dohalim falls silent for a moment; when he speaks again, his voice is lowered, as if worried that someone might overhear them]

I cannot let anyone know that I never wanted this position. Nor can I step down from it. I could care less for what the Renan people would think of me, but if a new lord were to replace me, I fear for what Menancia would revert back to.

[it's so painfully clear that Dohalim is carrying so much on his shoulders, and he has every intention of making sure that Gepard doesn't have a way to try to shoulder some of that burden with him]

[Gepard's fingers soothe over Dohalim's back as he settles in, and admittedly he's glad he did. There was always a risk that it would be too much, somewhere in his mind.

But as the other man speaks, finally giving words to his reasons for keeping quiet all this time, he can... well, he can understand it. Much like his own thoughts, spoken to carefully into the open air of the surrounding land, there are just... things that Renans couldn't understand as a whole. They are ultimately two very caring people - though Dohalim hides his behind his guilt - who are dissatisfied with their general lack of power in spite of their roles.]

... you can trust me with this knowledge. [His voice is soft and quiet in turn, echoing the need for proper privacy.] Perhaps we cannot work toward that goal just yet, but... if this position is too heavy for you... then perhaps we can find a way to alleviate it. You are already an unconventional lord, after all.

There would be those who look on the decisions with distaste... but that's a reality we already have, after all. I can deal with that.

[The dissatisfied Renans have been a thorn in his side, personally, since they can so easily blend in to the new normal. All their negativity can turn just when things are safe for it, to recruit more dissatisfaction to the cause in the guise of understanding.]

I... [tilting his head, Gepard presses his lips to the corner of Do's own briefly.] for now... just let me be a refuge from your title. Right now, you don't need to be anything more than Dohalim, the young Renan I happen to be quite fond of. I apologize for causing you so much distress when I want nothing more than to just be with you.

I am not that much younger than you, you know.

[Dohalim's voice is still soft, muffled as he buries his face in Gepard's neck. the thought of... simply putting aside his title, his responsibilities and duties, to be selfish for a moment as to indulge in a life he could have been if it weren't for the Crown Contest... it honestly unnerves him. for the last several years, it's all he's known, it's the only constant role. perhaps it's because he'd killed Tarnigen that he couldn't just give up on the lordship, that his death would be in vain if he just... ran away from the duty. from the start, he'd only accepted the lordship to live out a life his friend could not]

Is it truly alright? To simply forget my title for a moment of respite from its duties?

[there's a certain exhaustion in his voice not heard by anyone else before when he says those words, as if holding back on his emotions for so long. sure, Dohalim has had moments where he can relax in his own time, but his mind is constantly spinning when it comes to his rule. it's not like he can really turn himself off from being a lord so easily]

Would you rather I called you an old man, Dohalim? I do still like to think of myself as relatively young, you know.

[amusement colors his words, and warm fingers draw up to knead the back of his head. He's gone through so much, even with others handling much of the physical... and more still weighs on him from before. It's no wonder that Dohalim is so hard on himself, he thinks.]

It's alright. You're not letting anyone down by taking respite. Well... not anyone viewing you in good faith. Your duties are different from ours, but your need to escape from time to time is the same.

[His other arm squeezes gently, holding Do to him as he is.]

... and, I suppose... I'm selfish. I want to lie with you, not the Lord of Menancia. I will carry the secret of this respite to the grave, if you so wish... I cannot overstate how much I would do for you, as yourself.

[hearing his troubles, Gepard truly does wish he could alleviate them, could find a way to covertly lift Do's burdens such that he can help carry them. His own traumas are many, but he's always been able to handle them within the solidarity of his unit...]

What do you think my little escapades outside of the city are? You know as well as I that the guards are not particularly fond of me leaving.

[sure, sometimes he straight up just sneaks out, but there are times he'd made his way out in broad daylight. he and the guards know fully well that they are, ultimately, powerless to stop Dohalim, but the fact remains that there is a certain chagrin every time he leaves Viscint. there are the very few that are willing to turn a blind eye, but it's even rarer for him not to hear even a few words from the guardsmen.

both arms come up now to wrap around Gepard as Dohalim settles in to get more comfortable in his lap. they should get out of the bath soon; the water is considerably colder than when they first slipped in, but this is comfortable. perhaps he's just a little needy and clingy himself, and that he desperately needs Gepard's company]

...I want to reiterate my earlier question. When everything is done, and when my reign as Menancia's lord is over... Will you stay with me?

Having now been on one with you, I sincerely doubt you succeed in managing to take a proper break. And of course we worry when you disappear without warning.

[Do's got a point though, to Gepard's chagrin. He won't scold him now, but the implication is there... the guards worry, and he worries more than most.

Right now, his hands give in to the impulse to trace over Do's skin, head shifting to press his mouth to the soft curve of a shoulder, slowly trailing up to his neck. He barely stops when he's asked a question, at least until the words are all out. Pulling back then, the blond holds his gaze, smile soft and gentle.]

I will do everything in my power to stay by your side, when all this is over. I want to be nowhere else.

It's as much a break as I can afford. There is too much to do and so little time to do it.

[Dohalim hums softly as warm lips trail along his shoulder and neck, his head tilting to give Gepard more room. the simple gesture sends a shiver down his spine; it isn't like he's had the act performed on him, but with the blond it's... different, somehow. for all his inexperience, he really does pick up quickly.

but Gepard's answer soothes his anxiety, just a little. enough that he can relax for just a moment more, to forget who they are in duty alone. there's still the worry that the next lord will demand Gepard to stay with the guard. that Gepard will be out of reach of him, that they won't have moments like this ever again. of course, this is him overthinking things, as usual; as much as he would like to stay in the present, Dohalim can't help but think of the uncertainties of the future]

...Alright. I will spare no less effort. For now, however, we should get out of the bath, if you are ready to.

[of course, Dohalim doesn't make any move to actually get out of the bath, but he'll move once the other man does]

[The blond will simply have to bring Dohalim back to the present, and he'll do so without hesitation. In all honesty, the likelihood that his request would do unfulfilled seems low, especially having served Rena so faithfully for the better part of his life... but the risk is still there.

As Dohalim mentions the water, Gepard exhales a little hum of acknowledgement before leaning in to capture his lips once more. It's soft and sweet, but no less passionate than previous.]

Alright... I think I'm ready now. At least until we get back to the bed.

[Dohalim won't get all that much time to move, if he doesn't notice the way Gepard's hands shift; he has every intention of carrying Dohalim to the towels now that his body is more relaxed.]

[while the chances of not being able to fulfil his request is on the low side, and if they are able to be together after his reign, the other worry Dohalim has is the fact that their relationship would be so unconventional, even in a civilian standpoint. no one would dare question his tastes as a lord, but after that... he can handle scrutiny of others, but Gepard doesn't deserve that.

before Dohalim could say anything or move, Gepard is already lifting him out of the tub. he did intend to get out by himself, if not help the blond out as well, but Gepard was quicker in that regard. at least the bath and his healing artes did the trick, it seems. and honestly, even with his own worries present, he is loathe to part from the man, and is hesitant to let go of him once they get to the towels to dry off.

Gepard's going to quickly realise just how clingy Dohalim can be, especially when he slips into one of his moods. but it's not terribly surprising, considering just how lonely he's been in the better part of the decade, and now that Gepard has given Dohalim an inch, he's taking a mile. it might take some coaxing to get him to let go for just a moment, for long enough that they can dry up]

[It's sweet, really, if you ignore the parts borne of loneliness or desperation. Gepard can't help but laugh in spite of the awkward clinging, just lying Dohalim back against a towel at first and peppering kisses to his lips, his jaw, his neck. Too soon, he has to pull back, cradling the younger man's cheek as he does.]

You haven't forgotten that my night is yours, have you...? I don't mind air drying, but I think we'd both find the bed more comfortable.

[It seems almost funny, how their roles have reversed so easily and comfortably. There's little surprise in it given how plainly sweet and nurturing Gepard has always been, but it seems this experience has also been just what he needed to allow himself to be more confident in his affection. It certainly helps that Do has made it so clear just how much he means to him.]

I... Have not. I'm just particularly clingy, at the moment. My apologies.

[Dohalim finally lets go of Gepard and pushes himself up to sit so he can dry himself off. he busies himself by shifting around, pulling the towel from under him to wrap around himself, clearly embarrassed at the display of desperation of being close to someone so intimately and emotionally. it's not lost on him how bad he can be when showing his emotions, and that he's worried that when he does, it ends up being a lot. he has no other avenue in which to release them, but he also can't just unload all of them onto Gepard so unexpectedly. it wouldn't be fair to the man.

so he just sits there in silence, drying himself off despite wanting more of that affection from the blond. there's a small voice in his head telling him not to be so selfish and not to take so much so quickly. even when all he wants is to wrap himself around Gepard again]

Dohalim...

[Gepard exhales a soft breath, letting the redhead get his towel situated as he does the same. He's not planning on letting the younger man mope anyway, especially as the one who was worried he'd be left alone in the room earlier...]

I didn't mean it like that. [The other will have to deal with Gepard just tugging him in closer, arms slipping around his waist.] I was attempting to be light-hearted so we could dry off, I'm not upset.

[Maybe he's just... too serious, he thinks. It must be something like that, if he's so easily misunderstood in cases like this. The last thing he wants is for Dohalim to feel guilty just for caring for him, wanting him near.]

[it's almost as if floodgates have opened; now that Gepard's seen just a small bit of real emotion from Dohalim, it seems he can't hold back on them anymore. in a way, it scares him a little, just letting the older man see him in such a way, without any walls put up to protect him from scrutiny and judgement. he would never admit this to Gepard, not at all; he's already unloaded more than enough of his own issues onto him so unexpectedly.

but as he's pulled close, Dohalim makes a soft sound, before leaning against him and wrapping his own arms around Gepard as well. like before, Dohalim buries his face in Gepard's shoulder, taking in the warmth, despite how damp the both of them are]

Forgive me... I fear I'm a little... Sensitive, right now.

[it's one of the reasons why he's put up those walls, after all. if anyone else were to see him so... emotionally vulnerable...]

[in turn, Gepard has always been touch and go with his emotions. when it comes to his physical and general wellbeing, he's always been quick to advocate for himself... it's just in cases like this that it slips, it seems. but as Dohalim speaks, the blond smiles and lets his hands draw soothing circles along his skin.]

It's alright. This will no doubt take some time, but I'm here with you every step of the way. Thank you for trusting me with all of you.

[he wouldn't want to put Dohalim in a position to be vulnerable with anyone else, either. he's already so close to it sometimes, in ways he doubts the redhead sees... but like this, it's just them. he can shield the other from everyone, everything else, here in this quiet space that's just for the two of them.]

I will admit... Showing this vulnerability is terrifying. Even to you.

[it isn't to say he doesn't appreciate Gepard's presence and his support, but when was the last time he was able to be this vulnerable? when was the last time he had someone to lean on, to talk about what he was feeling deep down? he... even when he did have his small circle of friends, he never really confided in them, worried about what they would really think of him if they found out about his true thoughts and feelings.

reluctantly, Dohalim pulls away from the blond, wrapping the towel around him a little more securely]

Perhaps we should make ourselves comfortable in bed. Do you need something to wear, or would sleeping in your undergarments be sufficient?

That's alright. It's terrifying because you aren't used to it, so any small steps should help to alleviate that one at a time. I'm not going anywhere, so don't rush.

[in truth, they're not so different in that way. Gepard is a little more open about the things that affect him personally, but anything that crosses the threshold into occupational...

Both of them could surely use someone to talk to about all the things they'll never say otherwise. As Dohalim sits up again, the blond follows suit in securing his own towel, lips quirking at how... silly it feels. They've been naked for so long now that, outside of the need to dry off, it feels pointless.]

Ah... I normally sleep naked or in my undergarments, truthfully, so I'll be fine. I find the nights particularly warm here.

[If he were to think on it, it might be related to his affinity for water and ice... but whatever the case, it's true enough. Convenient, even. Climbing to his feet, he offers a hand to Dohalim.]

Shall we return, then?

I may have gotten used to the milder climate here that nights are a little chilly for me, now. Perhaps it's the air from the mountains bordering Cyslodia.

[it's a wonder how Gepard had found himself in Menancia instead of the colder realm, considering the difference in temperatures and climates, but Dohalim's glad Gepard is here instead. and honestly, the towel is more to keep Dohalim a little warm until they get to his bed again. he isn't sure why, considering the fact that they just had sex and bathed together, but the idea of Gepard sleeping in the nude pulls a soft flush to his cheeks.

taking Gepard's hand, Dohalim hoists himself up, but doesn't let go as he stands. hand clasped around the other's he quickly leads him back to bed; he only lets go to pull the covers back for them to climb in. at least they didn't make a mess everywhere on the covers, and that the only thing they should be concerned about are their clothes strewn across the bed and the floor. and even then, Dohalim turns a blind eye to them for now, unless Gepard busies himself with setting them aside neatly; if he does, then Dohalim will just drape his towel over a chair and settles himself into bed]

I just run hotter than most, I think, so the cool is... appreciated.

[exhaling a soft, amused laugh, Gepard shakes his head. it doesn't bother him at all really, though on the warmer nights in Menancia it can be troublesome. he'd probably find it amusing if he realised Dohalim's blush was simply because of that, though he wouldn't likely say anything about it.

and there's no attempt at freeing himself from Dohalim's grasp anyway, following him back to bed without hesitation. the lack of mess is... good, maybe a little surprising considering everything. even so, he does move to pick up the clothes and set them aside; there's no reason to let them get wrinkled, let alone add more to question from anyone who might come in later.

once it's done, the blond slides into bed in turn, slipping his arms around the redhead's sides to hold him close.]

If this is uncomfortable, just tell me how to lie down. I can sleep most any way.

[as Gepard finally settles in and pulls Dohalim closer, it's easy to tuck himself into the other man, seeking as much warmth from him as possible. he... hadn't realised that even being held like this just feels so good, so comforting... it'll be hard to let this go, if it ever came down to it. had he really been so starved for this sort of touch? it seems like it]

This is fine. More than fine, if I may be honest.

[the warmth between their bodies and the duvet draped over them is almost enough to put Dohalim in a drowsy state, eyes slipping closed as he nuzzles into Gepard's neck. if he stays like this, sleep might come to him easily, for once. but that does remind him of something--]

...Also, forgive me if I wake you in the middle of the night. I... Tend to have a fitful sleep.

I'll be alright, Dohalim. Even if you wake me briefly, I'm sure I'll settle again once you do.

[Gepard's voice reverberates softly in his chest as he speaks, and he nuzzles into the crown of his head without hesitation. Though sleeping with someone else is a new feeling, he thinks he can get used to it.

Perhaps it will be a little awkward later, or in warmer months... but for now at least, the warmth between them and from the blanket pulls at his own tiredness. They'd done quite a lot for the hour of night, after all. The blond is sure he'll remain awake until Dohalim dozes, but not much longer than that.]

If you're sure...

[because Dohalim isn't. what he's sure about, however, is especially after talking about his own issues, that his dreams will be more intense because of them. his own nightmares are usually rather manageable now that he's gotten used to them, but he still wakes up from them. and the particularly bad ones, unsurprisingly, have the worst effects on him; he'll find himself drenched in sweat and staring in confusion in the dark until he comes to his senses.

would it be fair for Gepard to have to deal with that? Dohalim is sure that the other Renan would help, but at the cost of his own rest... he huffs a soft sigh as he buries himself more into Gepard, seeking more of his warmth]

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